DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Jenny," her husband, "Bob," and their three dogs live with my husband and me in our home. We live on a fairly busy road. The dogs used to always be leashed when they were taken out. They have now made a habit of letting the dogs out without leashes.

This frightens me. Not only am I concerned about one of the dogs getting hit by a car, but also any legal ramifications if they cause damage to others. I have spoken to my daughter about it, but nothing has changed.

Abby, what can we do to make Jenny and Bob responsible for any damages incurred by their actions? One last note -- one of their dogs was hit by a car and had a long, painful recovery with a very expensive vet bill. -- OUT OF IDEAS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR OUT OF IDEAS: You have a right to be concerned. Contact your attorney and your insurance broker to find out what the fallout could be for you as homeowners because of your daughter and son-in-law's laziness and carelessness.

Responsible dog owners keep their pets leashed so they won't be hurt by running into traffic or biting a child or an adult they don't recognize as a friend. If your daughter and S.I.L. can't abide by your wishes and behave responsibly, they shouldn't be living under your roof.

P.S. This isn't just about the dogs and liability; it's also about respect for you.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, my extended family found a fun, all-inclusive solution to the grumbling (and expense) of preparing the holiday meal.

Each family is assigned a portion of the meal they are going to prepare. For fun, it has to be a recipe that has never been tried before so no one can fret that it isn't made like Grandma used to make it. The person holding the party coordinates kitchen time, but to be honest, everybody enjoys helping each other out, and the cooks spend most of their time chatting.

We have tried wonderful variations to the traditional turkey, enjoyed an awesome pie straight from the Renaissance, and learned that we will never again try oyster stuffing. Because the recipes are untried, no one feels bad if the dish isn't perfect, and we have tried things we were surprised we liked.

Most important, we do it together and spend the day laughing, talking and catching up, and no one has to be a slave to the day. Hope this will give other people ideas. -- SCOTT IN BALTIMORE

DEAR SCOTT: So do I, because your family has captured the true spirit of the holiday season, which is too often lost because of the pressure people put on themselves to achieve perfection.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and his sister had a falling out after their parents died and haven't spoken for a few years. My husband is very stubborn and holds grudges.

He is very ill now. I have asked him if he wants to tell his sister about his illness, and he says no. I'm not sure how much longer he has left.

I am thinking about going against his wishes and calling her in the hopes that they can make peace. Your thoughts? -- NOT MUCH TIME LEFT

DEAR NOT MUCH TIME LEFT: Depending upon how deep the rift between them is, I do think you should make a confidential phone call and tell her it might be a good idea to call her brother. If she does, the conversation could be healing for both of them. However, if she chooses to ignore the situation, the choice will have been hers, and no harm will have been done.

DEAR READERS: Today, Veterans Day, I would like to thank not only all of you who have honorably served our country, but also those men and women who are on active duty for your service as well. I salute each and every one of you. -- ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law cheated on my sister two years ago. He was caught by the private eye his lover's husband had hired. My sister took him back and has been trying to be "the good wife," but he has never really seemed to be sorry or a changed man.

My problem is I can't stand him. When we get together as a family, I know I'm supposed to be civil and respectful, but I ask myself, "Why?"

I love my sister and the children. The holidays are coming. I'd like to ask him if he's faithful now, but if I did, I know he'd only lie. Can you offer me some advice? -- HOLDING A GRUDGE IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.

DEAR HOLDING A GRUDGE: Yes. For the sake of your sister and the children, please resist the urge to make things more difficult by confronting your brother-in-law. Asking him about his fidelity status would embarrass him and possibly terminate their participation in any visit.

Because your sister is trying to make her marriage work in spite of the hurt her husband has caused, the kindest thing you could do for her and the children would be to make the reconciliation as easy as possible. Tempting as it may be, please don't stir the pot.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 10-year-old girl whose family is divided. My dad brought me up, and I love him. However, my aunt hates him. I don't really know why. Dad tells me she helped my mom argue with him. My aunt is nice to me. They rarely talk to each other anymore.

I don't know which side to take. I don't want to take sides and I don't plan to. My mother died a few years back and my dad took custody. I want to stay neutral, but I don't know who to trust. -- IN THE MIDDLE IN MISSOURI

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Not knowing your father or your aunt, I can't decide this for you. I will point out, however, that when a couple is having a disagreement, it rarely helps if other family members get involved. What happens then is the person with less support feels ganged up on and becomes defensive.

If your aunt makes you feel torn between her and your dad, then what she's doing is wrong. It's OK to love both of them. While I agree that you should remain neutral, your father is the person who is raising you, and he deserves your love and loyalty unless he proves he cannot be trusted.

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful wife and I were a team for many years. She was the brains and I was the brawn. She took care of business matters, taxes and household duties. I did the repairs, vehicle upkeep and took care of the lawn and our garden. She was a computer whiz, while I remained computer illiterate.

As we advanced in age, I made preparations for my demise. I had everything perfectly planned. Then the unexpected happened. My wife died suddenly. I was devastated. Then I realized I was also totally lost.

She had gone completely paperless. I had no knowledge of anything. Some things were filed in the computer and others in the filing cabinet. I didn't know her email address, any account numbers and no passwords. All business transactions stopped completely, and my credit rating plummeted.

It has been a year since her death and I'm still trying to get everything corrected. Please remind your readers that the word "assume" can be a real meanie. -- SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS

DEAR SOMEWHERE: What a sobering letter. Usually the surviving spouse is the wife who was left in the dark. I'm glad you wrote, and I hope your letter will be a wake-up call to couples about sharing information.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single woman who has had a string of unsuccessful relationships. When a man is into me, I'm not into him and vice versa.

I know the problem is mostly mine. I'm very independent. I don't want a man to consume my life -- just be a part of it. It seems like the men I date want to smother me.

My friends tell me that most women enjoy this. I hate it. I need a certain amount of time alone. I am attracted to manly men, but the ones who are attracted to me are either emotionally needy or they take longer to get ready to go anywhere than I do. It's frustrating.

I have met some men who would have been wonderful catches, but I felt nothing. I know friendship is the basis of all relationships, but physical attraction is important to me. A relationship won't work if I can't bring myself to be intimate with the person.

In all my years of dating, I have been in love only twice. Any help would be appreciated. -- LOST IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR LOST: I wish I had a magic lamp that would give you what you're looking for in a puff of smoke, but I don't. What I can offer is that you need to continue looking for someone who is as independent as you are, so you can find an attractive man whose needs are similar to yours.

Some couples find the process of dating a smooth and easy one. For others it's complicated, but not impossible. I agree that the basis of strong relationships is friendship and compatibility.

DEAR ABBY: How does one stop family and old friends from going on and on about their aches, pains, symptoms, conditions, doctor visits and medications in excruciating detail? Aside from my mother (who is 85), I don't care to hear about this from others. It has taught me a lesson I wish people would follow: While I do have back issues, I speak of them only to my doctor.

I try to be patient, but some folks seem to need someone to vent to. I don't want to be the one they "tell all" to. I try to tune it out, but I wish there was an easy way to let them know enough is enough.

Any ideas on the best way to handle these people? Or am I stuck being a good listener forever? -- NOBODY'S THERAPIST IN CROFTON, MD.

DEAR NOBODY'S THERAPIST: Try this: Say, "Really, I'm sorry to hear that." Then change the subject to something you read in the newspaper, saw on television or that's happening in your community.

DEAR ABBY: Tell me what you would have done in this situation. While dining at an expensive restaurant on a rare night out, we were seated directly across from a nice-looking family. As I was eating my meal, I had a nauseating view of their child's butt crease. The boy was about 12 or 14, and I didn't want to embarrass him in a public place, but it put a damper on my enjoyment of the meal.

Would it have been appropriate to approach his mother and quietly tell her? Obviously, the kid didn't know or care that he was exposed. The restaurant was full, so I couldn't request another table. -- LOST MY APPETITE IN MYRTLE BEACH, S.C.

DEAR LOST YOUR APPETITE: The first thing I would have done was resist the urge to walk over and plant a stalk of celery in the great divide. And then, because moving to another table wasn't possible, I would have moved my chair so that the view of the young man's cleavage wouldn't have been "head on."