DEAR ABBY: I recently found out that after 13 years of marriage, my son and daughter-in-law are expecting a child; my first grandchild! I was overjoyed at the news. They live about 1,000 miles away from me.

I mentioned to my son that I have been looking at flights and want to come out a week before her due date so I'll be there for the big moment, and stay three to four weeks to help with the baby. I was shocked when he told me they don't want me to visit until at least three weeks after the birth, and stay for one week max.

He said my daughter-in-law will need time to heal, and they both need time to adjust to being parents before they have guests. I am not a "guest." I am the grandmother! I was also told not to expect to take care of the baby because it is "their" job.

It hurts so bad not to be wanted to share in the joy of the new baby. I have always dreamed of watching my grandchild take his or her first breath, and see the look on my son's face when he holds his child for the first time.

Is there anything I can do to change their minds and allow me to be there for my son at this important moment? Do you agree that they are being unreasonable and cruel? -- FAMILY FIRST IN FLORIDA

DEAR FAMILY FIRST: I'm sure you are a loving mother, but I don't agree, and I doubt you can change their minds.

If it is going to take three weeks for your daughter-in-law to heal, it appears the baby's birth will be by C-section, and she will need time to regain her strength. The new parents will also need time to adjust to the baby's sleep and feeding schedules. They will be sleep-deprived, and she will be nursing every few hours and not up for company.

While you have always dreamed of being present at your grandchild's birth, the reality is your son and daughter-in-law would prefer this intimate moment be shared by them alone. I'm sorry you are hurt, truly. Let them know you are willing to help them in any way you can on their terms, and take your cues from them. Do not take any of this personally.

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother died recently after a long life. A cousin decided that all of the grandchildren should chip in for an expensive floral arrangement. I reluctantly participated after my wife said it would be "cheap" of me to refuse.

I had a closer relationship with Grandma than most of my cousins did, but I felt it was an odd request. I have always understood that flowers were sent to the grieving family. In this instance, we were the family. It felt like we were sending condolences to ourselves. Am I wrong, or was I just being cheap, as my wife suggested? -- MOURNING IN NEVADA

DEAR MOURNING: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Your assumption that families do not provide flowers at a loved one's funeral was incorrect. It is very common for family members to arrange for a floral display or spray of flowers for a deceased relative's casket. At a sad time like this, it is never wrong to err on the side of being generous, and I'm glad that is what you did.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in fifth grade, and I have noticed that teachers pick favorites. I'd like to know if or how I could be one. -- NERVOUS STUDENT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NERVOUS STUDENT: Teachers have favorites for various reasons. Sometimes it happens because they see something in a child that reminds them of how they were at that age. With others it's because the student shows an interest in the subjects being taught, isn't disruptive and always tries his or her best. And that is what I recommend you do.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and a new bride. My husband is in the Army. We're very happy, but I just found out that I'm pregnant -- I'm not sure how far along yet -- and I feel torn about what to do.

My husband wants a child very badly, but he did say he would support whatever decision I make. While I have no objection to having a child, I know my family will make me feel guilty if I do by saying they are disappointed, that I should have waited and that I'm "throwing my life away."

Abby, I am so confused. I don't know what to do. I want my family to support me and be there when I have our first child. -- PRESSURED AND CONFUSED

DEAR PRESSURED: Was your family disappointed and saying you were throwing your life away when you married your husband? If the answer is no, then why would they accuse you of doing so because you are pregnant?

You are an adult, albeit a young one, and a wife. The first thing you need to do is see a gynecologist and find out how far along you are. Your next step is for you and your husband to decide if you are emotionally and financially ready to be parents.

No one can decide this for you, but your family's possible "disappointment" should not enter into your decision. If they are not supportive, your in-laws might be.

DEAR ABBY: Before my son met his fiancee of five years, "Shelby," he went with another girl, "Dana," for three years. During that time we became good friends with Dana's parents (the "Smiths"). After the breakup, we stayed in touch with the Smiths and go out occasionally.

Recently, Mrs. Smith invited us to her husband's retirement party. When we told our son we were going, he mentioned it to Shelby, who told us we were being disrespectful to her by continuing our relationship with the Smiths.

Shelby's position is that all ties to Dana and her family should have been severed when the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship ended. Our position is the Smiths became friends of ours before Shelby was in the picture, and we don't think we are being disrespectful to anyone by continuing our relationship with this couple. Are we wrong? -- JIM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR JIM: Of course not. Your son's fiancee appears to have serious insecurities. I sincerely hope you won't allow her to control your lives and your relationships, because if you do, this is just the beginning of how she will try to control you -- and your son. This is Shelby's problem. She will have to deal with it. Please do not make it yours.

DEAR ABBY: I have friends who exclude me or take off with other friends before I can get to where they are meeting. What can I do to get them to call me? Why am I their whipping post? -- FRIEND-CHALLENGED IN OVERLAND PARK, KAN.

DEAR CHALLENGED: Friends don't treat friends the way you are being treated. There is nothing you can do to get them to behave differently. You are letting them do this because you're hoping that if you ignore their insensitivity and rudeness, they will accept you.

Please stop trying to cling to them. Join activities where you'll meet people with whom you really have something in common. If you do, you will be much happier than you are today.

DEAR READERS: Once again, here is my "timely" reminder that daylight saving time ends at 2 a.m. Sunday -- so don't forget to turn your clocks back one hour before bedtime.

DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced five years and have five children, ranging in age from 23 to 8. When I was having trouble with my middle son, "Logan," I found help from his godfather, "Carl." I hadn't seen Carl in years. He was my ex's best friend when Logan was born.

Long story short, Carl and I have been in a committed relationship for two years now. He has been more a part of our lives than my ex has. Four of my kids love Carl, and he is very involved in their lives. Logan, however, hates him and throws a fit if his name is mentioned. I have tried to explain that I didn't intend this to happen, but Logan feels I "took away his godfather from him." Carl is still there for him, but Logan will have none of it and refuses to listen.

Carl and I mainly spend time together on the weekends we don't have our kids, or meet for lunch or breakfast. I'm at a loss. Logan is now 17. I don't want to lose Carl. He's a great man and wants what's best for me and the kids. What should I do? -- PULLED IN TWO DIRECTIONS IN CANADA

DEAR PULLED: Logan may be 17, but he is acting like a child. Do not let his behavior discourage you from having a life. In another year he will be 18 -- and either concentrating on finishing his education or finding a job.

Logan needs to realize that he hasn't "lost" a godfather, and that everyone may eventually be gaining a stepdad. He also needs to understand that if he can't accept it, he will find himself odd man out in an otherwise healthy, happy and functional family.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of five years, "Todd," is a daily pot smoker. We met during our senior year of college, and I knew he smoked. I don't use drugs, and I assumed that after college he would grow up. However, it seems unlikely that he will quit, and frankly, I'm sick of it.

I have asked Todd for the last four years to please stop, but he hasn't. He keeps saying he will, but I don't know how much longer I want to wait. I know it's unfair to expect to change someone, but I would not be comfortable getting engaged or married to Todd if he's still getting stoned. I love him. Should I give it more time or move on? -- PATIENT GIRLFRIEND IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR GIRLFRIEND: You have been patient enough. If Todd had any intention of quitting, it would have happened already. Four years of procrastination are enough. Because you feel so strongly about this, it's time to move on because your boyfriend is not going to change.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to share a Thanksgiving tradition our family has enjoyed for years. We realized that after a big holiday dinner we weren't ready to eat a lot of dessert, so we started having "Pie Night" the evening before Thanksgiving. After a light meal we could enjoy the various pies or cakes family members brought. It became one of our favorite traditions.

My father suggested it as a social event/fundraiser to the pastor of our local church, and it was one of their best-attended events. Our family is scattered across the country now, but those times were some of my favorites, and I thought some of your readers might like to incorporate it into their holiday celebrations, too. -- GOOD TIMES IN ARIZONA

DEAR GOOD TIMES: They might, indeed, especially if they are trying to spread those extra calories over a longer period. (And it would be a good idea to exercise the day after they indulge.) Thanks for the suggestion.