DEAR ABBY: I am the oldest of four children. I grew up in a family that looked perfect from the outside, but was far from it. My parents tried to shield us from most of the problems, but because I'm the oldest, I remember a lot.

My parents both had affairs. My siblings recently learned about the affair Dad had because Mom told them, but they have no idea about the one Mom had. Because of this, my brother hardly speaks to Dad.

Mom was diagnosed with a mental disorder when I was a child. I remember her violent outbursts. I know Dad stayed only for us. We're all adults now, and my parents are divorced. My mother plays the victim and my brother blames Dad for everything. It breaks my heart.

I have tried to convince Mom to stop trying to hurt Dad through my brother, but she won't. I want my family to be able to attend milestones without turmoil. I don't know how to make this better. Please help. -- DOESN'T WANT THE TURMOIL

DEAR DOESN'T: Making this better may take the help of a licensed professional and some family counseling -- provided everyone is willing to cooperate. But don't count on your mother. She doesn't appear to be interested in healing any breaches. I do think, however, that because you are all adults, your siblings should know the entire story about your parents' infidelities -- particularly your brother, so his relationship with Dad can be repaired.

DEAR ABBY: Our son recently told us he will be proposing to his girlfriend before Christmas. We're happy for him, but concerned that he'll want to get married next year, which will be our 25th anniversary. We can't afford to celebrate our 25th the way we want to and help with their expensive wedding. We have been planning this for years, and we don't want to sacrifice our celebration for their plans.

We think they should either postpone the wedding or pay for it themselves. We have always taken care of our son, but we feel 2014 is "our" time. Are we wrong, and how can we tell him without feeling guilty? -- PARENTS OF THE FUTURE GROOM

DEAR PARENTS: While you have always taken care of your son, he is an adult now and you should be able to communicate with him on an adult level. Tell him how pleased you are that he and his girlfriend are planning to be married, but that you will be unable to contribute financially because you're celebrating your 25th in 2014 and can't afford to do both.

Not all couples marry soon after becoming engaged. Some wait a year or longer, and more and more couples pay for their own weddings these days, so don't feel guilty.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man for the last three years who is very much my senior. His children are also much older than I am, and there is a mutual awkwardness when we interact. My boyfriend does the best he can to ease the situation, but it is painfully obvious that they are uncomfortable with our relationship and my presence. What can I do to show them I want to be viewed as family, too? -- UNWELCOME IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR UNWELCOME: There is nothing you can do. But there is something your boyfriend can do. He can make it clear to his adult children that unless they make you feel more welcome than they have done, they will be seeing less of both of you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mother. My two sons are practically grown and out of the house. I haven't dated much over the years, but there was one man I did bond with and cared very much for at one point.

He lived across the country, and the long-distance relationship was difficult. I was reluctant to move my kids across the country for someone I barely knew, so the relationship ended. Thank God, I followed my instinct on that one!

Feeling sentimental one evening, I went online and searched for his name. Up popped a mug shot of him posted on a Megan's Law website, identifying him as a deviant offender. The police code indicated he was someone who had intercourse with a person under the age of 13. I couldn't believe my eyes.

Now I can't stop thinking about what might have happened had I not followed my instincts. I'm afraid to date anyone for fear I'll find another creep. Is there a way to "screen" prospective mates without them knowing -- like a background check for daters, perhaps? -- STILL SHOCKED IN TEXAS

DEAR STILL SHOCKED: The way to screen someone for a criminal conviction would be to go online and search in the state the person lives in or came from. That, however, is no guarantee you won't meet another creep.

Finding Mr. Right is a process that involves trial and error. In many cases, a lot of error. That's why it is better to meet men through personal introductions, volunteer groups or because you have mutual interests -- and even then, take your time getting to know them.

DEAR ABBY: May I tell you about an incident that happened last Halloween? I took my daughters, ages 12 and 6, and a co-worker's 4-year-old son trick-or-treating. My 12-year-old is becoming a young woman and appears older. When we came to one house, the homeowner promptly gave the smaller children candy and had a conversation with them, but completely ignored my older daughter. She was very hurt, and it cast a pall on the evening. I was stunned.

I'm the kind of person who doesn't care how old you are -- if you're dressed up for Halloween, you can come knocking and you'll get a treat. I'd rather give someone candy than have him or her feel the way my daughter did.

How should I have handled this? Is there an age limit for trick-or-treaters? -- FESTIVE MOM IN KANSAS

DEAR FESTIVE MOM: If you refrained from challenging the homeowner, you handled it correctly. Halloween is a holiday during which all of those who participate celebrate their inner child. As my dear mother once said to me, there were times when the doorbell would ring and she wasn't sure whether to offer the trick-or-treater candy or a martini. And I think that's where I'd draw the line.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 10 and I have a sister who copies everything I do. For example, I was known for my good cooking until she made "amazing" banana bread. Now nobody thinks I'm the best cook in the house anymore.

My sister tags along with whatever I do. I sell dog treats; she sells dog treats. My mom thinks it's cute and says I should be flattered. All I want is to be unique, but it's hard with my sister who steals the show. Please help! -- FRUSTRATED IN BEND, ORE.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Talk to your mother again about this. While I agree that your sister's desire to do what you do is cute, it can also create a cutthroat competition between siblings. Your mother could avoid this if she would encourage your sister to develop interests or talents of her own and help you become involved in after-school activities that do not include your sister. Sports or a church group come to mind.

DEAR ABBY: My kids attend a private school that has made it a goal to be a "blue ribbon" school. To that end, teachers pile on so much homework that many of our parents send our kids to bed after three hours and finish it ourselves. Our kids are completely overwhelmed with senseless piles of busywork.

This summer, our children had to read four substantial books and complete hefty vocabulary packets and math packets that required most of us parents to hire tutors. Our children are stressed, anxious and depressed. We have never indulged them with a lot of video game or TV time. I have considered pulling my kids out of this school, but the public schools around here are awful.

Parents are miserable. Kids are miserable. We want them to have a decent education, but we also want them to be happy people -- and right now, no one is happy. -- PRESSURED MOM OF PRESSURED KIDS

DEAR PRESSURED: Are you aware that some educators feel that students should have no summer vacation at all, and should be in class year-round? The assignments your children were given may have been designed to keep their skills sharp so they would be prepared for the fall term. Because you and other parents feel your children are being overburdened with busywork, it's time to address this as a group with the principal so you can voice your concerns and get an explanation.

DEAR ABBY: My 12-year-old grandson lies often. His parents are trying to give him consequences for his lying as a "team effort." I don't want to be the stern grandma and have him have bad memories of me. When he lies to me, should I look the other way and ignore it or follow through with my own consequences? -- GRANDMA IN ST. PETE, FLA.

DEAR GRANDMA: Would you prefer your grandson remember you as the grandmother whose eye he could spit in, tell her it's raining and she would accept it? It would be better to ask him why he feels it is necessary to lie to someone who loves him, tell him that you expect honesty from him and if you don't receive it there will be more consequences. Remember, you are also a part of the team, and this is an important life lesson he needs to learn.

DEAR ABBY: My only son is 18. He didn't attend his prom. He quit school and goes to night school instead. I'll never see him in a cap and gown, holding his diploma. On top of that, he told me six months ago that he's bisexual and that he has a boyfriend in the U.K. I'm having a hard time with all of this.

I taught my son to love and respect everyone, regardless of race, religion or sexual orientation. Now I'm afraid I won't have any grandchildren. Even more upsetting, he wants to move to the U.K. to be with his 26-year-old boyfriend.

I feel so cheated -- no prom, no graduation, no grandchildren! I'm scared and I cry every day. How do I accept him being him? -- CHEATED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR CHEATED: OK, so reality isn't in sync with your fantasy about how your son would turn out. But why are you dwelling on the negative?

Your son is completing his high school education, and with his GED could very well go on to college or a technical school. While he didn't attend his prom, he has found a meaningful relationship. He may eventually give you the grandchildren you long for -- other same-sex couples have done it.

So look on the bright side. If you count your blessings, encourage him and accept the man he loves, you could have a life of adventure and international travel, a warm relationship with both of them and gain a son.