DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "Anonymous in Wisconsin" (Aug. 11), the cancer survivor whose husband has lost interest in her after her double mastectomy. I am outraged by his insensitivity and lack of love. She says she doesn't want to leave him. My question to her is, why not? She deserves better.

I am a cancer survivor who was diagnosed with breast cancer seven months after I was married. Prior to my decision to have a radical mastectomy, I offered my husband the chance to leave. (After all, one doesn't expect "worse" to come so soon after the wedding.) The prospect of children, which we had discussed and was important to us, was uncertain because of my subsequent chemotherapy. My husband didn't hesitate. He said, "You would not leave me. We will adopt."

On our first wedding anniversary I was bald, and he treated me to a beautiful, romantic getaway. Although I did have reconstruction, it was a long process. He was supportive from day one.

Fifteen years later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer again. I had another radical mastectomy followed by chemo and reconstruction. Abby, my husband again made me feel beautiful even when I didn't. There are men out there who define a woman not by the size of her breasts, but by the beauty of her heart. -- SURVIVOR IN NATICK, MASS.

DEAR SURVIVOR: I want to thank you and the many breast cancer survivors who wrote me -- and their supportive spouses -- for telling me your personal stories. Readers, I am printing this to remind you that October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I had to write to "Anonymous." I kept hoping my husband of 20 years would change his mind and accept my new body. However, because he could not, I chose to divorce him and it liberated me.

At first, I felt that if the one person who was supposed to care couldn't look at me, then no other man would either. I was wrong. After five years of dating, I never once encountered a man who was as insensitive as my husband had been. I have now found the man of my dreams.

In some respects, my "medical adventures," as I refer to them, were the best thing that ever happened. They enabled me to see my ex for who he really was, and find a man who truly is a man. -- GOT A NEW SET AND A NEW LIFE

DEAR ABBY: Breast cancer doesn't ruin your life unless you let it.

I am 66 years old. When I was in high school, my mom had a breast removed. My parents and I just took it in stride. It didn't define us. Dad adored her.

Mom would come in dressed up for whatever reason and ask, "Am I even?" because the "falsies" then were made of foam and were lightweight. She kept the vacation money pinned to it. She made a few new friends faint when she used it as a pin cushion. Dad died at 90, and Mom died the following year.

Mom could have helped "Anonymous." She would have cut her a slice of homemade pie, poured a cup of coffee, sat down at the table and just talked to her. Women need other women. "Anonymous" should find a friend who has gone through the same thing and talk and pray. She needs both. -- EARLENE IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My wife went through a lumpectomy, chemotherapy, then radiation. During that time she went to work every day, except when she had a treatment.

Of course, I have a visual reminder of what she went through when we share an intimate moment, but she has had to deal with it every day of her life since then. When I see her scar, I think about how strong she was going through that difficult period of time. Rather than drive us apart, it has brought us closer together than I ever thought possible. -- HUSBAND OF A BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR

DEAR ABBY: I was divorced 14 years ago. Afterward, my ex, "Tom," hid from me because he was afraid I'd have him arrested for not paying child support.

Our son is a Marine, and the Red Cross notified him that his father was dying in a hospital on the East Coast. My ex's aunt had contacted them to notify my son as next of kin. Tom had remarried, divorced again and had a girlfriend. He died a few days later.

Nobody is willing to pay for his cremation. I asked his sister and aunt if we could split the bill three ways, even though I realize I'm not obligated. They refused, even after being told the remains would be deemed "unclaimed." The county would dispose of him as an indigent drifter. Their excuse was they hadn't heard from him in several years. I told them they were preaching to the choir, since I was the one he hid from.

I do not resent my ex because I realize his death was as unpredictable as his life. But I do feel bitterly taken advantage of. When I accused his relatives of false concern, they got angry at me. How can I demonstrate honor to my son by dishonoring his father that way? -- ON THE SPOT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ON THE SPOT: You are not the next of kin; your son is. Ask him what he thinks would be the appropriate way to handle his deadbeat dad's remains. You made the effort to have the family pay for the burial, and that should show your son that you tried to honor his father.

I don't know how long it has been since your ex passed, but this is a case where the body could have been donated to a medical school. There is nothing dishonorable about that.

DEAR ABBY: A friend who lives out of town asked me if she can stay with me for a few days. We often host each other. However, she also mentioned that she has a bedbug infestation.

I could take precautions, but some friends have said it was nervy of her to even ask because it put me in an awkward position. I honestly would prefer she not come, but I feel guilty. Any advice? -- POSSIBLE HOST IN NEW YORK

DEAR POSSIBLE HOST: Yes. Tell your friend you would love to see her, but in light of her revelation, you think it would be better if she stays in a hotel during this visit. And unless you are absolutely sure that her home and clothing are insect-free, entertain her away from your dwelling. Bedbugs can cling to everything -- suitcases, clothing, you name it. Hostess, protect thyself.

DEAR ABBY: My husband died three years ago and I'm still grieving deeply. Time hasn't made it easier; in fact, it's getting more difficult. No one around me understands or even cares, for that matter.

How do I find a good therapist? I don't know what questions to ask to see if I can trust him or her with my thoughts, and if we would get along. Any suggestions? -- DYING OF A BROKEN HEART

DEAR DYING: A way to find a good therapist would be to ask friends and/or your doctor for referrals and explain that since your husband's death your grief hasn't lessened. Your state psychological association can also provide the names of members who specialize in grief counseling.

Interview several prospective therapists. A question you should ask is how many patients with your problem he or she has successfully treated. However, the bottom line is whether you feel the therapist listens well and has the compassion to help you, which is as important as any diploma hanging on the wall. You'll know when you meet someone you are comfortable with.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the Aug. 13 letter from the adoptive mom in Indianapolis, we, too, are sometimes questioned about our son. I don't find it at all offensive, and I encourage her to view it from a different perspective.

Just as mothers enjoy telling stories about their pregnancy and delivery, I relish talking about how our son came to be part of our family. I have talked openly about it to strangers in front of my son since he was a toddler. I tell them how amazing it is that a mother could love her child so much that she would be willing to give him to us so he could have a better life than she could offer.

By not shying away from the topic, my son has seen that his adoption doesn't make us uncomfortable, and as a result, it's something he is comfortable with. Our son is full of confidence because he knows how much joy he has brought to our lives. -- REAL PARENT IN COLORADO

DEAR REAL PARENT: Thank you for writing. My office was flooded with comments from adoptive parents and adopted children, but not all of them were as positive as yours. "Why do you need to know?" was frequently cited as a way to deflect unwelcome questions about why the biological parents placed the child for adoption, as was, "I'll forgive you for asking that question if you forgive me for not answering."

Many also prefer to say, "That is my child's story and he'll know it and share it when and if he thinks it is appropriate." My favorite was, "We don't discuss such intimacies. Have you told your children the details of their conception?"

Readers, thank you all for sharing.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in an on-again-off-again, long-distance relationship with a guy for a year and a half. I have broken up with him and taken him back six times. It is always for the same reason: We are not compatible as a romantic couple.

I have explained that we would be better as friends, but when I try to leave, he cries and begs me not to go. I'm afraid he could be suicidal, based on past reactions.

I love him as a friend and I want him to be with someone who can love him the way he wants to be loved. How do I let him down easy, if there is even such a thing? I'm afraid I might ruin his life.

I guess my question is, when you know in your gut that things won't work out, when is it OK to throw in the towel? -- PERPLEXED IN PENSACOLA

DEAR PERPLEXED: After six breakups, your long-distance romance is well past its expiration date. When there is a lack of chemistry between a couple, it's no one's fault and it's usually a deal-breaker. The problem with letting someone down the way you're trying to is that it prolongs the pain, like removing a sliver halfway, then jamming it back in because the person is wincing.

Threats of suicide if a romance is unsuccessful are attempts to control the partner who wants to leave through guilt. The time to throw in that towel is now.

DEAR ABBY: When did it become acceptable to ask for a doggie bag after an elegant dinner in a friend's home? I'm known as an excellent cook. I entertained eight guests in my home last night and served expensive meat, an accompanying salad, vegetables and a great dessert. They wanted the leftovers! I thought if they had the nerve to ask, they were welcome to the goodies. Would you? -- HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST

DEAR HOSTESS: Would I what? Ask for the leftovers or give them? To ask for leftovers in someone's home is rude, and I wouldn't do it -- although some hosts do offer them to their guests. If you preferred to keep the leftovers for yourself, you should have said no -- with a smile, of course.