life

Driver Puts Phone Out of Reach After a Frightening Close Call

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 22nd, 2013 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: The other day, while backing out of a parking space, I nearly hit a woman who was walking behind my car with her toddler son. I didn't see them because I was dialing my cellphone and was distracted. The woman rightfully yelled at me to pay attention and get off my phone, and although she was gracious and encouraged me to consider it a "wake-up call," I didn't react as kindly to her out of embarrassment. Instead, I became defensive and didn't apologize, even though it was my fault.

I shudder to think of what might have happened, and I admit this wasn't the first close call I've had. I'm a married mother of two and should know better.

While I can't go back and find her, I hope the woman sees this letter. I want her to know that because of that incident, I now lock my purse and phone in the trunk or place them on the backseat out of reach before I start my car. This way, I avoid the temptation to look at messages or make a call.

I have also asked my kids to keep me accountable by reminding me if I happen to forget. They will be driving in a few years, and I want to set a good example for them.

Please pass this idea along -- especially to moms like me who try to multitask in the car. -- HANDS ON THE WHEEL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HANDS ON THE WHEEL: Your suggestion of placing your purse and phone on the backseat out of reach is a good one. You are really lucky you didn't kill or seriously injure that mother and her child. Regardless of whether or not the woman sees your letter, I hope it will remind other drivers of the danger of driving while distracted.

And while I'm on the subject, I read an article recently that discussed distracted walking. According to U.S. Secretary of Transportation Anthony Foxx, this has caused an increase in pedestrian deaths. In 2011, more than 1,500 pedestrians were treated in emergency rooms because of injuries they suffered while using a portable electronic device.

The safest course of action for drivers and pedestrians is to do only one thing at a time, and to be fully present while doing it.

Health & Safety
life

Married But Estranged Is Still Technically Not Single

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 22nd, 2013 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for 13 years, and I often wonder how to fill out questionnaires that ask my marital status. I have recently started checking "single" because enough time seems to have passed, and I don't define myself by my divorce. However, now I'm wondering if there's a certain etiquette recommended. -- STATUS UNKNOWN IN OHIO

DEAR STATUS UNKNOWN: Honesty is recommended. As much as you might like to present yourself that way, you are no longer single. Calling yourself single is dishonest. As someone who has been married and divorced, you are a divorcee -- and you will be until you remarry. Saying you are single is a misrepresentation of the facts.

Love & DatingMarriage & Divorce
life

Son-In-Law Needs To Get To The Point

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 22nd, 2013 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a son-in-law whom I hate to ask questions. He goes into so much detail that I'm always sorry I asked. Is there any way to make him get to the point? -- LIKES IT BRIEF

DEAR LIKES IT BRIEF: Yes. Explain that when he goes into so much detail, you can remember only 10 percent of what he says, so please get to the point. And when he forgets, remind him.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Husband's Nonstop Nature Wears on Wife's Patience

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 21st, 2013 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am fortunate to be a stay-at-home mom. My days are spent doing chores and taking care of the kids. I also volunteer extensively at their schools, but I do find time for other pursuits, such as reading and writing.

My problem is my husband. "Bob" is the kind of guy who can't sit still. When he's home on weekends or taking a day off, he constantly needs to be doing something. This involves projects around the house. Other than spending time online, his hobbies are active ones. Because he's always on the go, he insists I should be equally "productive." He constantly wants to know what I'm doing, and if it's not something he thinks is useful, he becomes passive-aggressive.

Bob initiates big projects and then complains that he gets no help and has no time for himself. He says my volunteerism takes away from time I should be doing things around the house. In addition, Bob is incredibly neat and often insists that our immaculate house needs to be cleaned.

I dread the days he's home because I have to constantly justify my activities or feel guilty if I'm not busy the entire time. Don't misunderstand -- Bob is a great guy, a good dad and my best friend. But I'm afraid I will soon resent him to the point of dislike if I must live my life according to his unrealistic expectations. Any advice other than to seek counseling? -- NOT A LOAFER IN CHICAGO

DEAR NOT A LOAFER: Nope. It appears that your great guy, good dad and best friend is so controlling he makes you miserable when he's home. I agree that if this continues, it will have a negative effect on your marriage. The person who should explain it to him is a licensed mental health professional who can provide the counseling and/or medication he may need, because I suspect he may have OCD.

Mental HealthMarriage & Divorce
life

Absent Dad Whisked Away Again By His New Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 21st, 2013 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I reconnected with my dad two years ago. I hadn't spoken with him for almost 10 years, following my parents' divorce. I'm thankful he's back in my life again.

The problem is his wife, "Kathy." Ever since we reunited, I have felt she resented me. It's like she doesn't like sharing Dad with me. She had him all to herself for 10 years, so I guess I kind of understand.

Kathy recently found a job across the country, so she and Dad sold their house and moved away a few weeks ago. Her family lives here and she had job offers closer to home, but she chose the one farthest away. I can't help but feel she did it to put distance between Dad and me, and it hurts me deeply. How do I talk to my dad about it without damaging the relationship? -- LOVING DAUGHTER IN WISCONSIN

DEAR LOVING DAUGHTER: What do you think talking about it to your father will accomplish? You don't know for certain that she accepted the job to separate you and your dad. Remember, he agreed to the move.

The problem with family estrangements is that you can never get back the time you lost. Keep in touch with your father via cards and letters, texts and emails, video chats or other social media -- whatever you and your father are most comfortable with. But I do not advise saying anything negative about Kathy.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Father's Continuing Dalliance Takes a Toll on Mom's Health

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 20th, 2013 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My father admitted to having an affair a few years ago. At the time, my mother was very upset and threatened to leave, but somehow they worked it out. However, he is still seeing this woman. They talk on the phone for hours, and he visits her house frequently, leaving my mother alone for extended periods of time.

When I ask my mother why they are still in contact, she doesn't want to talk about it, and my father seems to think he isn't doing anything wrong. Normally I wouldn't get involved, but I'm worried about my mother's health, which wasn't quite great to begin with and has gone downhill since this all started. Is there anything I can do in this situation? -- WORRIED ABOUT MOM

DEAR WORRIED: It appears your parents made a deal with each other -- he would live his own life and they would remain married. Because it is affecting your mother's health, suggest that she discuss this with her physician and perhaps get a referral to a therapist who can provide her with emotional support during this difficult time. If she agrees, it could help her physically and emotionally because stress and depression have been known to make people sick.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Couple Defines Their Marriage Long Before Wedding Date

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 20th, 2013 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My partner, "Rob," and I are delighted we can finally marry in our home state of California. When we do, how do you suggest we answer the question that straight married couples often get, "How long have you two been married?"

Rob and I have been together for 17 years, and it's not our fault that we didn't get married many years ago. Without having to make a political statement each time we're asked, should we simply tack on the number of years we've been together without the benefit of marriage? I'm proud of the time we've been a couple, and even prouder that I love Rob as much today as when we first fell for each other.

What should the answer be after we tie the knot? -- KEN IN THE GOLDEN STATE

DEAR KEN: Congratulations on your forthcoming nuptials. The answer you should give is the most accurate one: "Rob and I have been married for (insert the number) years and together for 17 years before that." To say that is not making a political statement; it's the unvarnished truth.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Husband Treats Wife Like The Poo On His Shoes

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 20th, 2013 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We live in the country with livestock. I was taught to remove my shoes when I entered my house, especially since I was raised on a farm. My husband wasn't required to do the same as he was growing up.

I have asked him for the last 10 years to kindly take his shoes off when he comes in so he won't track dirt, mud, manure, etc. into the house. He absolutely refuses. I have explained my reasons repeatedly and told him it hurts my feelings and makes me feel disrespected. He still won't do it. Can you please tell me why? Am I being too demanding? -- TIRED OF WALKING ON GRIT AND POOP

DEAR TIRED: I don't think so. Your reasons for wanting his dirty shoes off seem sensible to me. From where I sit, it appears your husband cares little for your feelings, isn't concerned about any extra work he creates and stopped listening to you 10 years ago. You have my sympathy, and I sincerely hope he has some virtues that compensate for his selective deafness.

Marriage & Divorce

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