DEAR ABBY: I am a twice-divorced woman who has never been good at choosing the men in my life. Two years ago, I met a man who is 12 years my senior. He is sweet, thoughtful and caring, and would do just about anything for me. What started as companionship has turned into a full-blown love affair. The problem is that he is married.

His wife is not well. She has a chronic disease and other medical problems. The way he cares for her is what attracted me to him in the first place. He spends what time he can with me, but mostly he is there for his wife.

I am OK with the situation, as I don't want him to leave her for me. I have tried breaking it off with him, but he gets me to take him back, saying he doesn't know what he would do without me in his life. He is very strong-willed.

Abby, I feel like I'm in the background waiting for her to die so I can take her place as his wife, and I hate this feeling. What should I do? -- GUILTY IN KENTUCKY

DEAR GUILTY: Your feelings are well-founded. You are waiting in the background for this man's wife to die. But what if she doesn't?

You say you have never been good at choosing men, and I have to agree. Please don't think I am unsympathetic, but it's time to ask yourself why you chose to get involved with someone who isn't available except for a few stolen moments. If marriage is what you really want, your priority should be to find a man who doesn't have the kind of previous commitment this one does.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently been contacted by an old boyfriend who is now incarcerated. He claims I was the love of his life and he thought about me often after our breakup. He is now asking me to become his pen pal and send him money occasionally.

I have bitter memories of our relationship, so it's hard to believe he cared for me as much as he says. He is begging me not to "abandon" him or forget about him, but I don't want the role of pen pal and provider. How do I share my thoughts without hurting his feelings? -- RELUCTANT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR RELUCTANT: If you are smart, you won't respond to him at all. I have printed letters from more than one prison guard who wanted to warn kind-hearted, gullible women that inmates send multiple "solicitations" of this kind in the hope that several of the recipients will send money.

You are not responsible for this man's well-being. Since your breakup, your lives have obviously gone in polar opposite directions. My advice is to keep it that way, for your own sake.

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper way to dispose of leftover milk in your cereal bowl? To dump it out is wasteful, to spoon it up like soup seems a bit much, and to drink it right from the bowl seems rather cat-like. Does the answer differ if you are in your own kitchen vs. a restaurant or other residence? -- GOT MILK IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR GOT MILK: If you're in a restaurant, you should not lap liquid from the bowl. If you're at home -- anything goes. And if you have so much milk left in your bowl after the cereal has been consumed, you are pouring too much in and need to adjust the amount.

DEAR ABBY: I recently declined a wedding invitation because my spouse and I will be out of town on the date of the wedding. A few days after I sent the RSVP, I got an email from the groom saying he had "suspicions" that I wasn't attending because I was bitter about not being in the wedding party.

I was shocked by the email. Not only do I not care about who is in the wedding party, I don't think we're such close friends that we should have been invited in the first place. I think it's appalling that he would accuse someone who declined an invitation of having ulterior motives for not going.

I emailed him back, explaining that we will be out of town and how upset and disappointed I am that he would think something like that. Wasn't what he did a breach of etiquette? -- APPALLED IN NEW YORK

DEAR APPALLED: Yes, it was. Your inability to attend the wedding appears to have brought to the surface the groom's insecurity about his social relationships. I don't blame you for being appalled. The man's behavior was inappropriate.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is 63, divorced, educated, intelligent, self-employed and receives monthly support from her ex-husband. The problem is she takes no responsibility for her health. She's extremely overweight because she overeats and doesn't exercise. She complains every day that she feels "terrible." (I call it self-pitying whining.)

Our other siblings think it is too late to confront her about it. I want to address the issue now, before she gains even more, or has a stroke or heart attack and, quite frankly, won't be able to care for herself. I don't want to see the responsibility fall on her three kids or us siblings. It's not fair. She's just too lazy to make necessary changes and constantly whines! Your thoughts? -- SIBLING STANDING BY

DEAR SIBLING: The problem with "confronting" someone is that it usually makes the person being confronted defensive. In a case like this I don't recommend it. However, a family intervention might work. If the family members were to get together and, as a group, talk to your sister about your concern for her health, it might be the wake-up call she needs.

No mention of "whining" should be made, but suggest that she might have a touch of depression that could be helped if she brings it to the attention of her doctor. Tell her you all love her, that you're worried about her, and are willing to help her schedule an appointment with her physician if she's willing. I think that would be a loving thing to do.

DEAR ABBY: When my wife and I go to a busy restaurant or a concert where we can pick up last-minute tickets, I often ask her to hop out of the car to find out if the wait times are reasonable or tickets are available while I wait in the car. I do this so I won't have to find a parking space until we're sure we will be staying.

My wife says my doing this is tacky. I believe it is efficient. What are your thoughts, recognizing that I usually come up with the short straw on matters of manners? Thanks! -- JOHN K. IN WINDSOR, CONN.

DEAR JOHN K.: Your request makes perfect sense to me. Parking spaces are sometimes hard to find and valet parking isn't cheap. However, because your wife resents doing this, either she should be the one to drive so you can "hop out," or tickets and reservations should be made in advance either online or on the phone.

DEAR ABBY: My husband lost his job more than a year ago because his plant closed. He was almost retirement age, so he took an early retirement. The problem is he isn't adjusting well to the change.

He has his hobbies, but he seems to have lost interest in them. He is angry a lot of the time and lost at other times. I understand it's a huge adjustment for him, but I'm concerned that it has been going on too long. I have tried to get him interested in things, but he doesn't take my suggestions well anymore. He thinks I want him out of my hair, but it's not true. I want him to be happy.

I know he's depressed but he denies it. When other people ask how he likes retirement, he says he loves it. I think he feels silly for not enjoying it. He doesn't want to spend money for counseling, even though he knows he can get the fee adjusted according to our income.

I'm at a loss about what to do to help him. He reads your column regularly, and I think he would take seriously any advice you could offer. -- CONCERNED WIFE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CONCERNED WIFE: Retirement is not for everyone, and not everybody "loves it." That's why it's so important that before a person retires, he or she have a plan in place for staying mentally and physically active.

Your husband may have valuable skills he could pass on by mentoring others. He could volunteer in the community, delivering meals to shut-ins, coaching youngsters' sports, help out at the police department or a hospital. All he needs to do is go to his computer and type in "volunteer opportunities in Michigan" to find plenty of opportunities. He can donate as little or as much time as he wants. But first, he will have to admit that he isn't loving retirement and needs an outlet. Please make sure he sees this column.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 12, and for the last five months my family hasn't been getting along. We act like we love each other, but I'm not so sure. My mom and dad have been fighting. I saw something Mom left on our computer she had been looking at, and the title was "How to Let Go of Emotions During the Divorce Process." I don't know if my parents are getting a divorce or not, but it's slowly tearing my family apart, and I don't know what to do. What can I do to prevent it? -- CONFUSED PRE-TEEN

DEAR CONFUSED: Tell your mother you saw the article she left on the computer, and ask her if she and your dad are separating. If the answer is yes, tell her you hope they're getting counseling.

It is important you understand that while they both love you, they have reached a point where their relationship may no longer be working. Much as you might like to, there is nothing you can "do" to head this off because their problem has only to do with them and not you.

DEAR ABBY: I was just wondering why when men drink and get drunk, they always talk about themselves. -- HEATHER IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR HEATHER: They may do it because the alcohol allows them to loosen up and open up. Or, because they think the subject is fascinating, and you are a willing listener.