DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law died two weeks ago. The services were beautiful. Many people sent flowers, but one arrangement -- a bouquet of white flowers -- arrived anonymously. I didn't think much about it, just that someone wanted to express sympathy. Now my mother-in-law has become frantic with concern about the flowers. She sobs over not knowing who sent them and -- we think -- suspects they came from an old or not-so-old flame.

My in-laws were married for more than 50 years, and it is heartbreaking to see her compound her grief with these thoughts. We have suggested various reasons that someone might have sent the flowers anonymously, but she refuses to accept them.

Is sending flowers this way unusual? Or are there good reasons to do it? For the record, is it even good manners to send flowers to a funeral anonymously? Or is my mother-in-law's reaction normal? -- GRIEVING IN GEORGETOWN, TEXAS

DEAR GRIEVING: Your mother-in-law is grieving. She is fragile right now, and possibly not thinking straight. A card may have been sent with the bouquet that was somehow lost in transit.

That she was married to her husband for 50 years and now suspects he was unfaithful because of a bouquet of flowers at the man's funeral is a sad reflection on their marriage. She should discuss this with her spiritual adviser, if she has one, or a grief therapist.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 30s and have been married for five years. My husband and I decided to have a baby, and five months ago I found out I was pregnant. When I told my mom the great news, she wasn't happy to hear it. She doesn't care. All she cares about is how "fat" I'm going to get.

My mother never wants to talk about anything baby-related. If I complain about an ache or pain, she quickly says, "It's because you're fat!" The last time I went to the OB/GYN for a checkup, Mom didn't even ask if everything was OK. All she said was, "How much weight have you gained?"

It hurts me so much that she treats me and her future grandchild this way. I almost feel like having this baby was a mistake. Please help me. I don't know what to do anymore. -- ALMOST IN TEARS IN OHIO

DEAR ALMOST IN TEARS: Stop depending so much on your mother's approval and you'll have a happier pregnancy. The person you should talk to about your weight is your OB/GYN. If your weight is such that it might affect your health or your baby's, you need to know it ASAP. Your doctor can refer you to a nutritionist if you need guidance about your diet.

Your relationship with your mother doesn't appear to be particularly positive. As you grow closer to motherhood, talk more with your girlfriends, talk more to your husband and less to your mother.

DEAR ABBY: I don't go to nightclubs often, so I'm curious as to what the protocol is for this. Sometimes, in the ladies' room, there is a woman there with toiletries, gum, cosmetics, etc. Before you can get your own, she puts soap in your hand and gives you a paper towel. There is a bowl on the counter for people to leave tips. The club manager says she isn't an employee of the club, but simply looking to make tips. I understand this.

My question: Am I supposed to tip her just once for the evening, or each time I use the ladies' room? -- INQUISITIVE CLUBBER IN FLORIDA

DEAR CLUBBER: Tip the attendant each time you use the bathroom and she hands you the soap and towel -- the standard rate is 50 cents to a dollar. However, if you tip the person generously the first time, you shouldn't feel obligated to do it again if you need to return.

DEAR ABBY: I am a self-employed general contractor, and have been for the most part successful. My wife, "Janine," worked in the mortgage industry, but because of the economic downturn hasn't worked in three years.

After her mom provided some financial help to my business eight months ago, Janine decided she wanted to work for me doing the office work and bookkeeping. The problem is, she doesn't show up until late afternoon and stays only a short while. She doesn't get any work done, and then she leaves. She constantly rushes to get the bills paid at the very last minute.

Although my wife is college-educated, she really can't handle the job. Her work ethic is terrible. I started my company and I'm the boss. When Janine doesn't agree with me about something, she yells so loud I'm sure the people who work next door can hear her. I have talked to her about this, and we have fought about it. I tried to fire her but she says if she can't work for my business, we might as well get divorced.

I never wanted a partner and didn't ask for one, and now I feel trapped with an employee from hell. I love Janine and don't want a divorce. How can I get her to quit and still stay married? -- NEEDS HELP IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NEEDS: Your wife's behavior is immature and inappropriate. If her being in your office is connected to the money her mother loaned you, my advice is to repay it immediately before your wife's "dabbling" as a business partner disrupts the business any further.

You may love Janine, but if the only thing holding your marriage together is allowing her to play at working in the office, then I'm sorry to say you don't have much of a marriage. Wake up and smell the coffee. You need an assistant and your wife needs something else to occupy her time.

DEAR ABBY: I was abused as a child through my teenage years. I told my mom and we talked about it. My stepfather was the molester.

Part of me is still angry about what he did to me, but another part thinks fondly of the life we had as kids. What's wrong with me? Is it normal to have conflicted emotions about a person who hurt you? None of my siblings know about my past. My stepfather is deceased now and so is my mom. -- SURVIVOR IN MARYLAND

DEAR SURVIVOR: You deserve credit for not only being able to acknowledge your pain, but also emotionally mature enough to look back and not diminish the good things. It's a sign that you are healthy. Your feelings are normal, and you are to be congratulated for being able to view your history in its entirety.

DEAR ABBY: The women I work with are now starting to have grandchildren. That's great, but when did it become trendy to have baby showers for the grandmothers? Personally, I think this is over the top. What about you? -- SHOWER OVERLOAD IN MINNESOTA

DEAR SHOWER OVERLOAD: I don't agree. It may have become trendy around the time that so many grandmothers assumed responsibility for raising their grandchildren. Or, the women may be so excited about welcoming a first grandchild that they want to celebrate with a party of their own. Because you feel differently, simply decline the invitations.

DEAR ABBY: I'm hoping you will pass this on to your readers. Many of us these days have to work two jobs to make ends meet. In addition to a full-time job, I work a second one in a call center. Yes, I'm one of those dreaded people who call and ask you to do a phone survey.

What I would like to remind everyone is that we are just people on the other end of the line. I have been cursed at and called names you can't print in your column. I have had the phone slammed in my ear. A little courtesy would go a long way.

If you don't want to participate in the survey, that's fine. We understand that. But have the guts to say, "Not interested" or "No, thank you," and show a little respect. We're simply trying to do a job, earn a living and pay our bills like everybody else. -- HAPPY TO BE EMPLOYED

DEAR HAPPY TO BE EMPLOYED: I am not excusing poor manners, and I do sympathize with your position. But when companies make these incessant calls, they are entering people's homes without being invited, and it can make some of them very angry, particularly if they have been interrupted while eating, working, napping or caregiving.

The people you call might be less hostile if they hadn't been called repeatedly and asked to participate in these surveys after they had refused four, five or six times and had asked not to be called again. They might be more polite if they hadn't registered on a "Do Not Call" list that was ignored.

DEAR ABBY: I am recently retired. I enjoy it, and my daily routine is filled with activities that keep me busy.

My problem is relatives who retired a few years ago who are bored out of their minds. They show up at my home unannounced at all hours of the day and disrupt my routine. They assume I have nothing to do like them. I am not interested in baby-sitting these people so their wives won't have to put up with them. What should I do? -- RETIRED IN BOSTON

DEAR RETIRED: Tell your relatives -- nicely -- that you have a definite routine and things scheduled that you must attend to. If you feel they would be receptive, suggest that they drop by a senior center and ask about what activities it offers or look for volunteer opportunities in the community. Then suggest that instead of dropping by, they call first to see if you are available.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend's mother has dementia. It is usually worse in the evenings, but she can function during the day -- somewhat. My friend and her husband both work, leaving the mother alone at home during the day with the door locked from the outside so she can't wander off.

I have told my friend many times how dangerous this is, but she continues to do it. It makes me sick worrying about her mother, but I don't know what to do about it. -- FRIEND IN FLORIDA

DEAR FRIEND: Your friend and her husband may have the best of intentions, but locking a demented person inside the house is not the answer to their problem. If a fire were to start, she might not be "with it" enough to know how to put it out or summon help. She could also fall and injure herself.

A better solution would be to find a day-care program where the mother would have company, be entertained and safely looked after. Please suggest it to them. However, if they are not receptive, Adult Protective Services should be notified because the woman's life could depend on it.

TO MY MUSLIM READERS: It's time for the breaking of the Ramadan fast. Happy Eid al-Fitr, everyone. May God make yours a blessed feast.