DEAR ABBY: My family has had our dog "Pouncer" for 10 years. He was originally bought to be a "family" dog, but I am the one who feeds and takes care of him. Because of that he sleeps with me and licks and obeys only me.

When I say Pouncer is my dog, the rest of my family chews me out and insists he is the family's dog, not mine. Don't you think I have the right to call him my dog? -- WILLIE IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR WILLIE: I think this is less a question about ownership than it is about tact. Because you are the one who feeds and takes care of Pouncer, and he sleeps with you and obeys only you -- in that sense, he is your dog. But unless you are the only one paying for his food and veterinary bills and the roof over his head, Pouncer is also the family's dog. Remember that and you'll get chewed out less often.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married more than 20 years. Her best friend from childhood, "Jill," and her husband, "Jack," are two of our closest friends.

On a recent visit to their home in another state, Jack made a pass at my wife. He said he'd always had a crush on her and asked her to go to our hotel room and have sex while the rest of us were at an amusement park. She refused.

We cut our vacation short and left for home immediately. She told me about it after we got home, concerned that if she said anything while we were there, a confrontation would have ensued. To date, Jill knows nothing about what occurred.

My wife asked me not to say anything until she decides what to do. She's concerned that if she tells Jill, the friendship will be over. On the other hand, if nothing is said, she will be hiding a guilty secret from Jill, which will probably damage the friendship.

Should my wife tell her friend? Should I call Jack and confront him one-on-one? Or should we do nothing? -- UPSET HUSBAND IN NEW YORK

DEAR UPSET HUSBAND: The friendship has already been damaged thanks to the husband's inappropriate behavior. What you and your wife must now decide is whether he has caused a permanent estrangement.

If you both agree you can look beyond his boorish lapse in light of the length of the long friendship, then by all means call Jack and tell him how you feel about what he did. And when you do, make it plain that if it happens again, you and your wife will discuss it with Jill together.

DEAR ABBY: My sisters and brothers and I don't speak and haven't in five years. When I pass, I have a list of people who will be welcome at my services. If someone's name is not on the list, they will be asked to leave. I want my children and some of my grandchildren there, but no one else. Do you think I am wrong? -- TROUBLED IN TEXAS

DEAR TROUBLED: No, I don't. Your wishes are your wishes. However, it is sad when families feud and, at the end, things that should be said are left unspoken.

One would hope that anyone who comes to your funeral would be there to support your children and grandchildren, or to pay last respects. I think it would be rude to ask someone who came to leave. A better way to handle it would be to specify in the funeral announcement that services will be for "your children only" and for further information people should contact a person you designate to carry out your wishes.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with my girlfriend, "Robin," for four years. She has children from a previous marriage, and their father is fairly active in their lives. I jumped in and have taken the kids to activities, helped with homework and I pay the majority of the bills. I dearly love the children.

My problem is I no longer love their mother. Robin and I are like roommates who share a bed. There is no passion, no joy together and no partnership. I spend my time with the kids or alone. She's with them at different activities or busy on her computer. When I suggest ways we could bond together, she says, "I'm too tired," or "I don't want to do that," or "This is the way it is!"

I have stayed this long only for the kids, but I'm unhappy to the point of aching. I feel guilty about leaving and the strain it will put on the kids. Is there a way to leave a situation like this? Am I a bad man for wanting out and possibly leaving the children to a tougher life? -- UNHAPPY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR UNHAPPY: Because the woman you're living with shows no interest in improving the quality of the relationship, wanting to leave does not make you a bad person. You will have to accept that because the children depend upon you for certain things they will be affected by your departure. It's too bad you didn't consider that before moving in with someone who had a family.

Try to make the breakup as civil as possible. Before you go, talk to each of the children individually. Make it clear that they are not the reason the relationship is ending and that you will always care about them. That way, they won't think they did something bad and blame themselves.

DEAR ABBY: My only daughter, "Claire," who is 25, has always had a strong work ethic. Her boyfriend "Charles" has never held a job, either during college or in the year and a half he has been out of school. They were living with his parents until Claire accepted a one-year job overseas. Charles followed.

Claire's salary isn't great, so I know she has little money saved, but she wants to start planning her wedding when they return. Should I stick with tradition and pay for it or listen to my head, which is telling me I don't want to see her marry Charles until he has held a full-time job for at least a year? I think she can do better, but I suppose she could also do worse. They do seem to love each other. -- HESITANT MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: Listen to your head. When Claire returns, let her know that she and her fiance will be paying for the wedding. It will be an introduction to the financial realities she and her husband will encounter after their marriage. Later on, when they're considering buying a home, you can give them the money that might have been spent on the wedding as part of their down payment -- if they are still together.

DEAR ABBY: How do I break up with friends who I love but have nothing in common with anymore? I'm married with a child, but as a new business owner, I don't have time to meet their needs. How do you tell people in a loving way that you have appreciated their friendship in the past, but it's over? We have grown apart. -- DON'T HAVE THE TIME

DEAR DON'T: Is it possible that your feelings are temporary, and that you are simply overwhelmed by the demands of your new business? If so, I'd hate to see you end friendships with people you love. Relationships don't always remain at the same level or have the same intensity. Rather than cut the people off entirely, explain that you can't be as available because you have a new business and don't have the time. It would be kinder.

DEAR ABBY: We have a grown son who is married with his own family and home. He and his wife have jobs. My husband and I are semiretired -- not rich, but we live comfortably. Our credit score is great.

My son wants us to co-sign a loan for him. I know his credit is not good because I get phone calls from collection agents looking for him. We really don't want to co-sign.

How do I explain this to him? I feel that because I'm his mother it obligates me. I am also afraid he will stop letting us see the grandkids if I refuse. -- SCARED OF THE DOTTED LINE

DEAR SCARED: Since debt collectors are calling because your son isn't paying his bills, do not co-sign for a loan for him! If you do, you could wind up having to pay it off yourselves.

Your son is an adult. That you are his mother does not obligate you to assume responsibility in case he doesn't pay his bills. If he retaliates by not allowing you to see the grandkids, so be it. If you knuckle under to emotional blackmail, it won't stop, and it could affect your standard of living for the rest of your lives.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in high school and my daddy just passed away. I want to know why I have so much anger and hurt about this. I feel like he never got to see me reach any of my goals in life. The main goal was to see my graduation.

What is the best way I can get my mind off this? -- YOUNG GIRL IN ALABAMA

DEAR YOUNG GIRL: I am sorry for your loss, which is a particularly difficult one at your age.

It's important that you understand the feelings you are experiencing are normal. Anger is a part of the grieving process, and it may take some time for you to get beyond it.

The best way to "get your mind off this" would be to find a safe place to talk about it. A grief support group would be helpful. Your clergyperson could help you find one and so could your family doctor.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding the letter from "Appreciative in Hitchcock, Texas" (June 17) about the importance of sending thank-you notes.

Maybe this will help others: When our three children were young, we had a "note rule." When they received a present, they had five days to write the note. If written within two days, the note only had to be three lines long. On the third day, it was four lines. On the fourth day, five lines. On the fifth day -- the gift went to charity!

None of them ever complained about doing their notes, and it became a habit while growing up. We were proud of each of them when their wedding thank-yous were out within a week! -- STRICT PARENTS IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR STRICT PARENTS: Good for you! You taught your children that there were consequences for shirking responsibility. That's an important lesson because the same is true when they become adults.

DEAR ABBY: I was wondering, do you ever read a letter and say to yourself, "If this is all you have to worry about, you're lucky"? -- JEFF IN FORT MCCOY, FLA.

DEAR JEFF: No. I have more respect for my readers than that. However, many people have written me to say that after reading the letters that appear in my column, they felt lucky!