DEAR ABBY: Legal marijuana is making my best friend stupid, boring and insipid. "Susan" and I are in our 50s and have been best friends off and on since childhood. A decade ago, we started taking better care of our friendship because so few longtime friends were still in our lives. Since then, I have been careful not to be judgmental or condescending because it was the source of past friction.

Susan is a regular marijuana user, which has sapped away all of her ambition and curiosity. Even when she isn't actually high, she lacks the cleverness and mental acuity I have always treasured about her. Otherwise, her life is functional. She's in a good marriage, loves her pets and enjoys her job. I think if I said anything, it would cause a major rift.

Should I just limit our time together and accept this is how things are going to be from now on? I'm a widow who has lost my parents and others to illness. I have other friends and family, but I don't want to lose my old chum, even though being around her is starting to make me sad. -- FRIENDSHIP GOING TO POT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR F.G.T.P.: As people grow older, long and well-established relationships become more precious. But much as we might wish otherwise, relationships do not always remain the same. Because you are no longer receiving what you need from your interactions with Susan, I agree you may need to see her less often.

In light of your long relationship, I don't think it would be offensive to tell her you have noticed a change in her and you miss the person she used to be. However, are you absolutely certain that what you have observed is caused by marijuana? If you're not, then consider sharing your observation with Susan's husband, in case her lack of sharpness could be the result of another medication she's using or a neurological problem.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for one year. Yesterday I put all the pieces together and realized he's been cheating on me.

I called the other woman, and after she regained her composure and heard she is a mistress, she told me everything. She gave me the answers I desperately needed, and I am thankful for her honesty and -- surprisingly -- her compassion.

Now I need to move forward. I am crushed, and even though he can't explain why he cheated, I still want to know why. He says he's going to counseling, which is something I have been begging him to do since I had a miscarriage last summer.

Will he change? Or should I continue to pack the house and move on? -- CRUSHED IN CHICAGO

DEAR CRUSHED: Much depends upon the reason your husband started cheating. If it was a way to avoid experiencing the pain of the loss of the baby, it's possible that with counseling the two of you can get beyond this.

I suggest you ask to be included in one or more of the counseling sessions. If he agrees, at least you will know he is seeing a therapist. If not, you will have to decide whether you have had enough loss in one year to last you a lifetime, and whether you still have a future together.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl who has been in a relationship for a year and a half with "Richard." I love him with everything in me, but he is mentally and physically abusive. He is also addicted to cough medicine.

I knew I should have stopped talking to him before we started dating, but he was such a mess I thought I could help him -- and I did. He's no longer an alcoholic. He went to jail for seven months because of our age difference, but I refused to testify, so he got out. While he was in there I thought he had changed and wouldn't hit me anymore, but he still does.

Anyone in their right mind would get up and leave, but the one time I did, he pretended he didn't care and I attempted suicide. I don't know what to do. I love him, but I know I shouldn't. -- ABUSED TEEN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TEEN: I'm glad you wrote. Richard may no longer be drinking liquor, but cough medicines contain alcohol, which means he's still an alcoholic. His violence toward women will probably never stop unless he is incarcerated for it, and even then there is no guarantee.

Regardless of how much love you give him, you can't fix what's wrong with him or make him love you back because he isn't capable of it.

Because you are so emotionally fragile, you should seek refuge with relatives who can help you heal physically and emotionally from this experience. If that's not possible, then contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Its website is www.thehotline.org, and the toll-free phone number is 800-799-7233. Ask for a referral to a women's shelter where you can receive counseling and support.

Help is available for you if you are open to it. Staying where you are is not an option because if you do, this man could kill you.

DEAR ABBY: While riding with my new boss to a sales appointment, he needed some information from his company-issued iPad. He asked me to turn it on and gave me the passcode. When I did, up popped a porn site. He almost wrecked the car grabbing the iPad from me.

Not another word was said until we arrived at the appointment and he looked up the item prior to going in. Nothing has been said about this incident since.

Every time I think about my boss having gone to that porn site before I touched the iPad, I get sick to my stomach. He makes me sick. Do I resign or stay? -- GROSSED OUT IN OHIO

DEAR GROSSED OUT: If the nausea is affecting your ability to perform your job, you should quit. But before you do, be sure you have another one lined up. And when you interview, as tempting as it may be, refrain from saying anything negative about your boss because to do otherwise will reflect poorly on you.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend wants to open the door for me when I am the one driving. I'm thrilled that he wants to be a gentleman, and I love when he opens the door for me when I am in the passenger seat or in front of any other door, as he always does. I am just not comfortable with it when I'm the one who's driving. It seems awkward to me. Your thoughts? -- AT A LOSS IN COLORADO

DEAR AT A LOSS: Your boyfriend may do this because he wants to please you, or he was raised this way. Personally, I think what he's doing is endearing. However, because it makes you uncomfortable, explain that it "isn't necessary" and you would prefer he not do it when you are the driver.

DEAR ABBY: I am thinking about planning a "surprise" wedding for me and my fiance. We have been together for eight years and have lived together for seven. We put off the wedding for many reasons, chiefly the cost because those things are expensive. We do not want to just elope.

The idea of having a theme party and inviting all our friends and family occurred to me the other day. Then, in the middle of it, we could bring in a priest and tie the knot! I have figured out the cost, and it shouldn't be more than a grand. We could swing that.

But my question is, do we tell anyone about it beforehand? I told one of my girlfriends and my fiance, and they think it's a great idea. It would take a lot of stress off. Should I tell my parents? They sometimes blab (Dad is worse than Mom) when they're excited about something. -- STEALTH BRIDE-TO-BE

DEAR STEALTH BRIDE-TO-BE: One person you should definitely discuss this with would be the priest. Ask if he would be willing to marry a couple who has been living together because some aren't, and also if he'd prefer the solemn vows be taken in a house of worship rather than a theme-party atmosphere. If that's the case, you may have to settle for an officiant of another faith or a justice of the peace to perform the ceremony.

Also, I suggest you rethink your idea of keeping this happy news from your folks, who may have been praying for this for seven years. They might feel very hurt to find they were kept in the dark.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's stepmother and father send religious-themed gifts for every holiday. We have an abundance of unused books, DVDs, stickers, coloring books, dolls, bookmarks, etc., purchased from local Christian stores for a hefty price.

We don't see them often during the year because we live in different states, but we would like our kids to have a good relationship with them. The kids don't seem to be fazed by it, but they also don't get excited about opening and using these gifts.

We pay for our children to participate in religious education as well as attend several church functions during the school year. We believe grandparents should be interested in learning about what each child is drawn to, and not so much about preaching their own religious beliefs to us. It makes us uncomfortable and resentful at times.

How does one politely tell in-laws to stop sending religious-themed gifts? -- OVERLOADED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR OVERLOADED: One doesn't. A better way to handle it would be to communicate with them in between these holidays and tell them what activities the grandkids are involved in, and any new interests they may have. A stronger hint than that would be offensive, and I don't recommend it.

As to what to do with the unused items -- donate them.

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter calls her mother-in-law "Mom," it hurts my feelings. I gave birth to her, worked hard to put a roof over her head and food in her mouth. She has only one mother during her lifetime -- me. I never called my mother-in-law "Mom." The name meant something to me, and it was reserved for the woman who gave me life! -- DISAPPOINTED IN IDAHO

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Many women besides your daughter call their mothers-in-law "Mom." Rather than be jealous and territorial, you should be happy that your daughter has such a warm relationship with her mother-in-law.

However, because you feel slighted, ask if she would be willing to call her MIL "Mama Smith" -- something other than her name for you when you are all together in order to avoid "confusion."