life

Couple Shies From Sharing Facts Behind Twins' Birth

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 5th, 2013 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are the proud parents of beautiful 4-year-old twins. After years of infertility, we found out that my husband has a low sperm count. Additionally, I have very few eggs. Ultimately, we conceived our miracles with IVF and the help of a sperm donor.

We do not want to keep this a secret from our children. We want them to eventually know, understand and be proud of the journey it took to bring them into this world. However, my husband and I are very private people. We understand that once the dialogue with our children begins, others will naturally find out.

My husband still feels very uncomfortable discussing his condition. How do we explain to our children, friends and family without becoming the focus of gossip and whispers? -- PROUD PARENTS

DEAR PROUD PARENTS: Infertility among couples is no longer a deep, dark or shameful secret, and the fact that you needed help to have your children shouldn't generate gossip or whispers because, frankly, it isn't shocking or titillating anymore.

When your children are old enough to be told the facts of life, they can be told that they were conceived through in vitro fertilization. They do not have to be told every detail all at once. When they are older, they may ask questions about why it was necessary -- and when they do, their questions should be answered honestly and in an age-appropriate manner.

Marriage & DivorceFriends & NeighborsFamily & ParentingEtiquette & EthicsHealth & SafetySex & Gender
life

Unhealthy Relationship Leads To Violent Breakup

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 5th, 2013 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Last year I started dating the man I thought I would someday marry. We connected instantly and had a deep love for each other. We argued during most of our relationship, but strangely, never stopped feeling the way we did at the start. Our connection was undeniable and our love endless.

One night we got into a heated argument over "inappropriate" emails between him and an ex. The argument escalated and I was arrested. Worse than being in trouble with the law for the first time in my life was losing my other half.

Most people would say, "Walk away; you never belonged together." But I don't agree. I have never been in a relationship that had such highs and lows. I miss him and miss sharing my life with him. -- CONFUSED AND HEARTBROKEN

DEAR CONFUSED AND HEARTBROKEN: Whether you agree with "most people" or not, the most important person -- the man you were involved with -- no longer wants to be involved with you. As much as you cared for him, if he was sending "inappropriate" emails to an ex, it appears he was not equally devoted to you. The coup de grace was when you became so violent you were jailed.

You may miss what you thought you had with him, but what you need now is a therapist who can help you understand what a healthy relationship is all about, because this wasn't one. It's time to accept that this drama is over, because unless you do, you could be labeled a stalker and find yourself in even more trouble.

Love & DatingSex & GenderMental Health
life

Liking Man's Teeth Doesn't Qualify As A Fetish

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 5th, 2013 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I met this guy recently and I guess he's good-looking enough, but the thing is I really like his teeth. Like really, really like them for some reason. They're just so perfect, and I like the shape and everything.

The thing is, I've never actually paid that much attention to anyone else's teeth, just his. So does this count as a fetish or not? -- AM I WEIRD?

DEAR AM I: No. If the only thing that attracted you about every man you met was his teeth, you might have a tooth fetish. But because it's only this one set of choppers that turn you on, I wouldn't call that a fetish.

Love & DatingMental Health
life

Mother in Law's Nightly Calls Invade Couple's Private Time

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 4th, 2013 | Letter 1 of 4

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 14 years. During that time her mother has called every single day.

Initially, I was OK with it because we were living in Florida and she was in Iowa. However, since we moved back to Iowa to be near her (we live three miles apart), she continues to call nightly. Sometimes she'll call during dinner or during our "couple's time" after the kids are asleep. I have expressed my dissatisfaction with this, particularly because my wife and MIL see each other and talk throughout the day.

Am I out of line to ask for family/couple time during which no outside calls come in, or am I being unreasonable? This is a touchy subject, and I don't know how to resolve it to everyone's satisfaction. -- BOTHERED IN THE HAWKEYE STATE

DEAR BOTHERED: With whom is this a touchy subject? Your wife? Her mother? The two of them? Considering that your mother-in-law lives close by and that she and your wife talk during the day, they appear to be excessively dependent upon each other.

As a partner in your marriage, you have the right to a quiet family dinner and private time with your spouse. If your wife can't bring herself to get that message across to her mother, then you should set a time after which "Mama" should refrain from calling unless it's an emergency.

Family & ParentingMarriage & DivorceEtiquette & Ethics
life

Unicef Program Takes Unused Foreign Coins

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 4th, 2013 | Letter 2 of 4

DEAR ABBY: After years of traveling overseas, I have finally found a wonderful way of getting rid of unwanted foreign coins the banks won't exchange. Please let your readers know they can put their leftover coins to good use by mailing them to UNICEF'S Change for Good program. -- PAT IN COLORADO

DEAR PAT: I'm glad you wrote because so many people travel outside the country during the summer months.

Readers, when travelers return from an international vacation, many are shocked to find that banks change only foreign paper currency back into U.S. money, so they are left with pockets full of coins that can't be spent. UNICEF'S Change for Good program (which is supported by some airlines) collects donated coins and uses the money to support disaster relief programs worldwide, as well as programs benefiting children in areas that include education, water and sanitation, HIV/AIDS and child protection.

Those interested in participating in this worthwhile effort should send their coins to: U.S. Fund for UNICEF, ATTN: Change for Good Program, 125 Maiden Lane, New York, N.Y. 10038.

Money
life

Wife's Need For Privacy A Concern For Husband

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 4th, 2013 | Letter 3 of 4

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I disagree about privacy. He believes he should have the password to my email and Facebook accounts. I have nothing to hide, but I think I'm entitled to my privacy. Can you settle this for us? -- PRIVATE IN BATTLE CREEK

DEAR PRIVATE: Probably not. Everyone is entitled to privacy, and being private doesn't necessarily mean you have something to hide. Your husband may want to look at your postings because he doesn't completely trust you. Or he may have no interests of his own. No third party can settle this tug-of-war with so little information about what else may be going on in your relationship.

Marriage & DivorceEtiquette & Ethics
life

Happy Fourth Of July

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 4th, 2013 | Letter 4 of 4

TO MY READERS: Happy Fourth of July, everyone!

Holidays & Celebrations
life

Brother in Law's Kisses Leave Sister in a Fury

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 3rd, 2013 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law, "Dave," has twice kissed me passionately when my sister was not around. I made light of it and pushed him away. The third time it happened was when he came to my house to do a little repair job for me. That time he also grabbed my breast. I exploded and told him off.

Later on, Dave called and said he was going to come back to do some other things that needed attention. I told him he was not welcome in my house and that I'm furious he would do such a thing. He apologized and said he hoped I could forgive him.

I am so angry! I no longer want to be in his company. I also don't like that I have to keep his behavior a secret from my sister. I haven't told anyone, and it is keeping me up nights. Please help. -- FUMING IN FLORIDA

DEAR FUMING: Your mistake was in not setting your amorous brother-in-law straight the first time he made a pass at you. Because you didn't, he thought his advances were welcome.

Now that you have made plain to him that you're not interested, you will probably have nothing more to worry about. But you are wise not to have him over unless your sister is with him.

I don't blame you for being angry, but do nothing until you cool off. The question then will be whether to tell Sis that her husband behaves inappropriately and how you know.

Family & ParentingSex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Grandmother's Insensitivity Riles granddaughter

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 3rd, 2013 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently moved back to my home state and in with my grandmother to get away from my abusive husband. I have also filed for divorce. I love my grandmother dearly, but when it comes to the divorce or the therapy I go to weekly, she is not understanding and constantly brings up what he did to me.

I believe she's frustrated because I'm in therapy and she doesn't see a reason for me to go. She thinks "if it's not talked about, then it never happened." I have tried to explain to her that I can't just let go of what he did to me and my son. How can I make her understand that I'm trying to heal wounds that aren't visible from the outside? -- TRYING TO HEAL ON THE INSIDE

DEAR TRYING TO HEAL: Your grandmother may come from a generation in which therapy was something to be ashamed of. A way to help her understand the importance of what you are doing would be to invite her to a session with your therapist, let her air her concerns, and let the therapist explain to her why it is important that you work this through to become healthy again. This must be very uncomfortable for you, and you have my sympathy.

Family & ParentingMental HealthAbuseHealth & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Mom's Poverty Jokes Embarrass Daughters

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 3rd, 2013 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a teenage girl living with my mom, who is a single parent, and my younger sister. We have struggled financially, but we mostly live a relatively comfortable life, and Mom owns her own home.

However, she constantly says things to me and my sister like, "We're so poor," or, "We're going to live under a bridge," even in public! We have asked her to stop several times, but she doesn't care that we are upset and embarrassed. How can I get her to stop? -- EMBARRASSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Rather than ask her to stop, don't you think you should approach her privately and ask why she is saying it? She may be joking, but her concerns could also be a holdover from when her financial situation was less secure. Please do it. Her response might be educational.

Family & ParentingEtiquette & EthicsMoneyTeens

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