DEAR ABBY: My husband and I attended the wedding of the son of some old friends in another state. Rather than buy the young couple a gift, we instead gave them a check for $1,000. Imagine our astonishment when a month later the following arrived in our mailbox:

"Dear 'Loretta' and 'Evan,'

"Thank you for the generous donation. We really enjoyed spending that money. If ever you feel like you have too much of it, we would gladly take it off your hands.

"Love, 'Mason' and 'Candace'"

Abby, my husband and I have worked hard for many years in our business and have been blessed by the Lord. We are not millionaires. We were happy and humbled to be able to share with them -- until we received this. The money wasn't a donation; it was a gift. -- STUNG IN SIOUX CITY

DEAR STUNG: Let's hope the note you received was an unfortunate attempt at humor. While the message may have gone over like a lead balloon and I'm sure the parents would be beyond embarrassed if they knew, at least you received a thank-you for your generosity. I hear from many people who complain that their gifts were not acknowledged at all.

DEAR ABBY: I have many problems, but my biggest one is, how do I forgive someone so I can move on with my life?

It would take me forever to tell you everything that has been said and done. Forgiving sounds simple, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Can you help? -- CHALLENGED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CHALLENGED: If hate and resentment are eating away at you, then it is probably healthier for you to let go of it. Forgiving someone isn't doing something for someone else; it is a gift you give yourself that allows you to move forward with your life. Your religious adviser can help you -- or, if you prefer, a licensed mental health counselor.

DEAR ABBY: I was surprised to see you equate a concerned grandmother's creative solution to smoking with bribery in your Feb. 14 column. The word "bribe" has a negative connotation. What the grandmother did was offer an incentive, not a bribe, that will benefit her grandchildren in the long run. I think the woman should be congratulated.

Now for a disclaimer: When my daughter was 14, I came up with the same idea in the form of a wager. I bet her that if she could resist peer pressure and not become a smoker by the time she was 21, I would buy her the dress of her dreams. To my delight, she won the bet. By then she was studying to become a marine biologist, so instead of a dress, the money went toward a wetsuit.

At 43, she's still a nonsmoker and she has now made that same bet with her children. It's the best money I ever spent. -- RETIRED CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKER

DEAR R.C.S.W.: Oh me, oh my, did I get clobbered for my response to that letter. Out of the hundreds of letters and emails received, only one person agreed with me. The rest were smokin' mad. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In my many years as a school psychologist, I have counseled hundreds of parents and teachers about dealing with behavioral issues in children. I often make the distinction between a "bribe" and a "reward" by describing a bribe as something you give someone to do something dishonest, while a reward is given for doing something commendable. What she did was reward their good choice in not developing a potentially fatal habit. -- OLD-SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST

DEAR ABBY: When you give someone money for something that has already been completed, it's a paycheck and not a bribe. It was pointed out to me that few of us would continue to go to work if we weren't paid for it, and those grandchildren were being paid for "work" that was already completed. It's an important distinction that may be helpful for parents and other adults to understand. -- FORMER SCHOOL PRINCIPAL

DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your answer! What that grandmother did was reward her grandchildren, not bribe them. A lot of pressure is put on teens, and it takes considerable willpower and maturity to avoid some of these temptations.

At 16 or 17, it is hard for them to imagine being over 30, and none of them can imagine being 60 or 70 with lung disease. Hooray for grandparents who can help them avoid adopting a life-threatening habit in any way they can! -- GRANDMOTHER IN IOWA

DEAR ABBY: I told my son I would give him $1,000 at the age of 21 if he didn't smoke. It wasn't bribery. It was a great tool to combat peer pressure. Whenever he was offered a cigarette, he could simply say he had a better offer. Not only did it work, the other kids were envious. -- MICHIGAN MOM

DEAR ABBY: My pre-teen daughter was devastated when her maternal grandfather died from the effects of emphysema. In spite of it, she took up smoking in her teens. We threatened her, grounded her, took away privileges, even tried guilt trips. Nothing worked. Her choice to smoke was influenced by her peer group.

I would have mortgaged our home, sold our possessions and borrowed money from the bank if I thought I could have altered her choice by bribing her. By the way, she has been diagnosed with pre-cancerous cells, but even this hasn't been enough to cause her to quit. -- WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently learned that our sister-in-law's adult son from a prior marriage, "Charlie," is now "Claire." My husband and I have three sons, ages 2 to 10 years.

This sister-in-law expressed concern that our 10-year-old would remember Charlie and say something inappropriate. She's demanding that we lie to him and tell him Claire is another daughter we have never met.

My husband and I do not lie to our children. We feel it is best to explain to all three of our sons that Charlie has decided to make a lifestyle change and let them ask questions if they choose. What is your opinion? -- TRUTH-TELLING PARENTS

DEAR PARENTS: I don't believe in lying to children either, but before you tell your sons that Charlie decided to make a "lifestyle change," I urge you to do some research about gender identity. It is not as simple on any level as changing an aspect of one's lifestyle. It is about who Claire truly feels she is inside.

If your oldest boy remembers Charlie, he should know that some people feel from an early age that they were born into the wrong body -- the wrong gender. Fortunately, there is help for it in the form of medication and surgery. He should be told that the problem has been solved and Charlie is now Claire. When the younger children are older, they can be told the same thing in an age-appropriate manner if the subject comes up.

DEAR ABBY: My children's father died of cancer about a year ago. As a result, they receive Social Security benefits as his surviving dependents. He had no life insurance, so this is all they have.

The problem is nearly everyone who finds out they receive this money becomes angry and jealous. Abby, these benefits came from his earnings and are meant to assist me in supporting the children he is no longer here to help with. We try not to mention the money, but sometimes it comes up in conversation.

How can people be jealous about money received from such a tragedy? Would they really want to lose a family member in exchange for cash? Please ask people to be more considerate in a situation where a child has paid a far greater price than any check in the mail could cover. -- SURVIVING MOM IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MOM: I'm sorry for your loss. People, particularly in a difficult economy, can become jealous if they think someone is getting "something for nothing." (And depending upon how dysfunctional a family is, they might indeed be willing to "lose" a family member in exchange for cash.)

I'm passing your sentiments along, but my advice to you is to stop discussing finances unless there is a specific reason why the person you're talking to must have that information.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law picks her nose in front of others by covering her finger with a tissue and then digging deep into her nose. She claims this is acceptable behavior even though the rest of us are grossed out. She refuses to stop unless somebody like you tells her otherwise.

Please help with this. I have a 7-year-old daughter who sees her, and I don't want her to think this is proper behavior in public. -- GROSSED OUT

DEAR GROSSED OUT: It's one thing to use a tissue for a gentle nose-blow, and quite another to use it as camouflage for a major excavation. That your MIL is grossing out those around her should be evidence enough that what she's doing is bad manners. It is showing lack of consideration for those around her.