DEAR ABBY: I was surprised to see you equate a concerned grandmother's creative solution to smoking with bribery in your Feb. 14 column. The word "bribe" has a negative connotation. What the grandmother did was offer an incentive, not a bribe, that will benefit her grandchildren in the long run. I think the woman should be congratulated.

Now for a disclaimer: When my daughter was 14, I came up with the same idea in the form of a wager. I bet her that if she could resist peer pressure and not become a smoker by the time she was 21, I would buy her the dress of her dreams. To my delight, she won the bet. By then she was studying to become a marine biologist, so instead of a dress, the money went toward a wetsuit.

At 43, she's still a nonsmoker and she has now made that same bet with her children. It's the best money I ever spent. -- RETIRED CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKER

DEAR R.C.S.W.: Oh me, oh my, did I get clobbered for my response to that letter. Out of the hundreds of letters and emails received, only one person agreed with me. The rest were smokin' mad. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In my many years as a school psychologist, I have counseled hundreds of parents and teachers about dealing with behavioral issues in children. I often make the distinction between a "bribe" and a "reward" by describing a bribe as something you give someone to do something dishonest, while a reward is given for doing something commendable. What she did was reward their good choice in not developing a potentially fatal habit. -- OLD-SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST

DEAR ABBY: When you give someone money for something that has already been completed, it's a paycheck and not a bribe. It was pointed out to me that few of us would continue to go to work if we weren't paid for it, and those grandchildren were being paid for "work" that was already completed. It's an important distinction that may be helpful for parents and other adults to understand. -- FORMER SCHOOL PRINCIPAL

DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your answer! What that grandmother did was reward her grandchildren, not bribe them. A lot of pressure is put on teens, and it takes considerable willpower and maturity to avoid some of these temptations.

At 16 or 17, it is hard for them to imagine being over 30, and none of them can imagine being 60 or 70 with lung disease. Hooray for grandparents who can help them avoid adopting a life-threatening habit in any way they can! -- GRANDMOTHER IN IOWA

DEAR ABBY: I told my son I would give him $1,000 at the age of 21 if he didn't smoke. It wasn't bribery. It was a great tool to combat peer pressure. Whenever he was offered a cigarette, he could simply say he had a better offer. Not only did it work, the other kids were envious. -- MICHIGAN MOM

DEAR ABBY: My pre-teen daughter was devastated when her maternal grandfather died from the effects of emphysema. In spite of it, she took up smoking in her teens. We threatened her, grounded her, took away privileges, even tried guilt trips. Nothing worked. Her choice to smoke was influenced by her peer group.

I would have mortgaged our home, sold our possessions and borrowed money from the bank if I thought I could have altered her choice by bribing her. By the way, she has been diagnosed with pre-cancerous cells, but even this hasn't been enough to cause her to quit. -- WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently learned that our sister-in-law's adult son from a prior marriage, "Charlie," is now "Claire." My husband and I have three sons, ages 2 to 10 years.

This sister-in-law expressed concern that our 10-year-old would remember Charlie and say something inappropriate. She's demanding that we lie to him and tell him Claire is another daughter we have never met.

My husband and I do not lie to our children. We feel it is best to explain to all three of our sons that Charlie has decided to make a lifestyle change and let them ask questions if they choose. What is your opinion? -- TRUTH-TELLING PARENTS

DEAR PARENTS: I don't believe in lying to children either, but before you tell your sons that Charlie decided to make a "lifestyle change," I urge you to do some research about gender identity. It is not as simple on any level as changing an aspect of one's lifestyle. It is about who Claire truly feels she is inside.

If your oldest boy remembers Charlie, he should know that some people feel from an early age that they were born into the wrong body -- the wrong gender. Fortunately, there is help for it in the form of medication and surgery. He should be told that the problem has been solved and Charlie is now Claire. When the younger children are older, they can be told the same thing in an age-appropriate manner if the subject comes up.

DEAR ABBY: My children's father died of cancer about a year ago. As a result, they receive Social Security benefits as his surviving dependents. He had no life insurance, so this is all they have.

The problem is nearly everyone who finds out they receive this money becomes angry and jealous. Abby, these benefits came from his earnings and are meant to assist me in supporting the children he is no longer here to help with. We try not to mention the money, but sometimes it comes up in conversation.

How can people be jealous about money received from such a tragedy? Would they really want to lose a family member in exchange for cash? Please ask people to be more considerate in a situation where a child has paid a far greater price than any check in the mail could cover. -- SURVIVING MOM IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MOM: I'm sorry for your loss. People, particularly in a difficult economy, can become jealous if they think someone is getting "something for nothing." (And depending upon how dysfunctional a family is, they might indeed be willing to "lose" a family member in exchange for cash.)

I'm passing your sentiments along, but my advice to you is to stop discussing finances unless there is a specific reason why the person you're talking to must have that information.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law picks her nose in front of others by covering her finger with a tissue and then digging deep into her nose. She claims this is acceptable behavior even though the rest of us are grossed out. She refuses to stop unless somebody like you tells her otherwise.

Please help with this. I have a 7-year-old daughter who sees her, and I don't want her to think this is proper behavior in public. -- GROSSED OUT

DEAR GROSSED OUT: It's one thing to use a tissue for a gentle nose-blow, and quite another to use it as camouflage for a major excavation. That your MIL is grossing out those around her should be evidence enough that what she's doing is bad manners. It is showing lack of consideration for those around her.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half. I regret moving in with him when I did, which was after only three months of dating.

We have been through a lot, including my struggle with various health issues. Throughout this he has become an insensitive person who treats me like garbage. There has been a lot of emotional abuse happening, and it has taken me quite a while to be able to see it.

The other night I was about to break up with him. Then he suddenly changed his tune. He said: "I'm listening. You're right. I need to change. I love you."

Abby, at this point I really don't care, but I gave him another chance. Was I wrong to do that? He has changed for now -- quite drastically -- but I know he could easily go back.

I no longer love him. I also no longer find him attractive, and I actually think he's immensely annoying. He's trying to get me to fall back in love with him, but I really don't want to. So do I stay or do I go? -- WAVERING IN CANADA

DEAR WAVERING: Re-read the last paragraph of your letter, and you will see in your own words why it's time for you to go. He may be trying, but frankly, it is too late. Pack your bags. There's nothing deader than a dead romance.

DEAR ABBY: A friend recently shared some great advice. Her mom is 86 and in poor health, so my friend put together an emergency information briefcase for the trunk of her car and another one by the front door.

If anyone needs to take her mother to the ER, all her important information is in two places. This includes medications, doctors, insurance cards, Living Will, power of attorney and family emergency numbers.

I took my friend's advice, and it turned out to be a godsend when I had to take my 79-year-old mother to the ER after a serious fall. The admitting clerks said they wished everyone would do this. (I also included $100 in cash in a small envelope.) I hope you think her idea is worth sharing. -- GLAD I DID IN ALABAMA

DEAR GLAD: If the admitting clerks said they wished everyone would do this, then it's worth a mention in my column. Readers, advance planning such as this could save precious minutes in an emergency.

DEAR ABBY: Due to an accident I had as a teenager, I can't father a child. How far into a relationship should I wait to tell a woman this? While I wouldn't mention it on the first date, I don't want someone to feel betrayed if she wasn't informed.

There's also the issue of finding a woman who's OK with it. So far, the ones I have dated ended the relationship because they couldn't accept being childless or adopting. -- GUY WHO NEEDS AN ANSWER

DEAR GUY: Mention it when the subject of children comes up. Not every woman wants children. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

P.S. If you include the fact that you can't father a child on your dating profile, it will filter out those women who do. I'm advising you to prepare for an avalanche.