DEAR ABBY: My wife's niece is marrying a wonderful man of Greek descent this summer. Her grandfather insists that his last name is too long and impossible to pronounce. He thinks they need to change the name when they marry. He went so far as to make them call him so he could tell them what he wanted. Then he gave them 10 days to "think about it" and call him back with their answer.

He told the mother of the bride that if they don't change the name, then he's "just not into the wedding anymore," implying that he won't help them pay for the event. Needless to say, this has most of the family shaking their heads and thinking the old man has finally lost it.

We understand that this was common practice for families passing through Ellis Island coming to America a century ago, but have you ever heard of this being done for a wedding? Being a therapist, I thought I'd seen and heard it all -- until now. Please give us some insight. I'm hoping his "ladyfriend" will read your reply and share it with him. -- CAN'T BELIEVE IT DOWN SOUTH

DEAR CAN'T BELIEVE IT: You have described a man who is used to being in control and is not above using his money to manipulate. A century ago when people came to this country through Ellis Island, many of them were escaping discrimination and wanted to leave their past behind them, which is why they Americanized their names.

Others had it done "for" them by government officials who couldn't understand them when they pronounced their names and wrote down what they thought they heard. (Years ago, in Sioux City, Iowa, my mother knew two brothers who walked through different lines and wound up with the names "Ginsberg" and "Landsberg." I don't know which was correct.) Still others were so eager to become "Americans" that they shortened or changed their names for that reason.

I sincerely hope no one is expecting Granddad to pay for the upcoming wedding. That he would attempt to blackmail the young couple in this way is shameful. Let's hope they are mature enough to ignore him, and that they have a long and happy life together. Opa!

DEAR ABBY: Our youngest daughter will graduate from college next month. The school is 10 hours away by car or a 2 1/2-hour plane ride. There are no direct flights.

My husband and I are excited about this special day, and so is his 82-year-old mother. (I'll call her Ethel.) She mentioned yesterday that she's excited to go.

Abby, Ethel is not a well woman. She has trouble walking, falls occasionally and hasn't been out of this town for 30 years. She is also hypercritical. She does nothing but complain about other people, her health, this country, etc. Looking after her would be a huge burden.

We'd like to attend this milestone event without the added stress of taking care of her. My husband and I have been married 25 years, and Ethel still complains about me. Because she's such a handful, we have never taken her to dinner or a movie. How do we (kindly) tell her that what she has in mind is not going to be possible? -- READY TO CELEBRATE IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR READY TO CELEBRATE: You and your husband should tell his mother that graduations in the best of circumstances are stressful events and can be difficult for someone who is unsteady on her feet. You could also mention that seating is limited, because it often is at graduations. Then offer to videotape the ceremony so she doesn't have to miss it.

DEAR ABBY: My partner and I have been together 23 years and his parents have embraced me as one of their own. A few years ago, we bought his mother a beautiful diamond cocktail ring for Mother's Day. She's now 84, and when she passes on, I'd like that ring back to have it turned into a ring for my partner. It's a gesture I'm sure would please him, and I hope his mother as well. I believe she's leaving her jewelry to her granddaughter, which is fine. But this particular ring will mean so much if I turn it into a ring for her son.

Would it be tacky for me to request this of Mom if I tell her why? I don't want to offend anyone, and I know the person who inherits her jewelry will probably pawn or sell it anyway. (I'd also like to keep it on the down low so my partner doesn't find out until the ring is given to him.) What do you think, Abby? -- PHIL IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PHIL: I think what you have in mind is beautiful, and I can't imagine why your partner's mother would object if you raise the subject. Estate planning is a fact of life. However, if she doesn't wish to change her will, and you think the granddaughter is likely to pawn the ring anyway, you could offer to buy it from the granddaughter when the time comes.

DEAR ABBY: Is it proper to invite men to a bridal shower? -- CURIOUS GUY IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CURIOUS GUY: According to Emily Post: "Today, showers are just as likely to include the groom and his male friends."

There's nothing improper about asking men to participate. The purpose of a shower for a bridal couple (or the expected arrival of a baby) is to celebrate the upcoming event and express good wishes. It's also a way to give the couple things they'll need.

DEAR ABBY: I am no advice columnist, but may I offer a few wise words to future brides?

I have been married for 25 years and have never had an argument with my mother-in-law. Never! My mother gave me some valuable advice before my wedding that I'd like to pass along. She said, "Always respect the woman who made the man you love."

I never forgot it, and my MIL has always been welcome in my home for as long as she wishes. If we had any differences, a respectful dialogue was opened right away -- especially if it concerned our kids' education.

We have enjoyed shopping, eating, cooking, parties, caring for newborns and family moments together for as long as I can remember. Sadly, she is now frail and can no longer travel as much as she once could.

The women who made our husbands deserve all the respect we can offer them because if we are happy as wives, it is thanks to all of them. -- SIMONE IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SIMONE: Your mother is an intelligent lady, and so are you for having taken her advice to heart. Because few people are in total agreement about everything, there is much to be learned when adults can air their opinions respectfully. This is true of all human relationships.

Because today is Mother's Day, I would like to wish a happy Mother's Day to mothers everywhere, be they birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, stepmothers or grandmothers who are raising grandchildren. I applaud you all.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl who is happy, healthy and doing great in school. But lately I have felt sad, lonely and just plain frustrated. I used to talk to my parents about it, but I don't feel comfortable doing it anymore, and my friends don't like listening to me.

I have tried hard to push back these feelings, but it is putting a strain on me. Sometimes I break down crying and can't stop. Most people think it's just my age, but it's not. It's more than that. I want to talk to a psychologist, but I'm scared to ask for one. What do you think? -- SO MIXED UP

DEAR SO MIXED UP: Admitting you need professional help with a problem isn't something to be scared of. It is a sign of maturity. Your mood swings may be caused by the hormonal changes going on in your body as you are becoming a woman. However, because they are of concern to you, it is important that you let your parents and your pediatrician or a counselor at school know how you are feeling. It's the surest way to get the reassurance and, if necessary, the counseling you think you need.

DEAR ABBY: My 6-year-old daughter wants a dog more than anything in the world. She mentions it at least once a day.

She's a great kid, well-behaved and doing well in school, so I hate to disappoint her. But I have absolutely no interest in taking on the added responsibility of a pet like that.

My wife and I work long hours and our home is unoccupied for most of the day. It would have to be adjusted to be pet-friendly. I have nothing against pets, but I could never be considered an animal lover. We currently have two goldfish, but I can see that the time those guys bought me is quickly running out.

I want my daughter to be happy and rewarded for what a great kid she is. I don't want a dog. What do I do? -- BAD DADDY OUT WEST

DEAR DADDY: I would have suggested that you consider allowing your daughter to adopt a hamster or guinea pig, but they require a certain amount of care. A child has to be responsible enough to feed, water and clean the cage daily, and at 6, your daughter is not mature enough. Tell her that when she is older you will consider letting her have a pet. Cats require much less care than dogs do. Perhaps a compromise could be worked out at a later date.

DEAR ABBY: I am 75, and when I pass on I would like the undertaker to remove my six gold caps from my teeth. Then my wife can sell them to pay for my funeral. I think this will work out well. What is your take on this? -- ED IN FLORIDA

DEAR ED: As I started researching "dental gold," I realized that while there are companies that buy it, the price your wife would get will depend upon the weight of the gold -- most of which is 16-karat -- and the current market value of the metal.

Because of the nosedive that gold has experienced lately, I'm advising you to start saving up for your funeral now and to live long and prosper. My experts have informed me that most funeral homes are unwilling to remove fillings, caps, etc.