DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 18 years to a man I have a good relationship with. My problem is he has always been extremely rude to my parents. They aren't critical or judgmental of him, and they try hard to be friendly and accommodating, perhaps thinking it might lessen the rudeness he continually shows them.

Example: If my mom asks him how his parents are doing, without looking up from his cellphone he'll grunt and say, "They're fine" -- nothing more. When we go out to dinner, he usually doesn't join in the conversation. Instead, he just sits there with a dismissive, bored look on his face.

I have told him I don't want him to come with me when I visit them. It only takes a few times before he asks if he can come again and promises to try to behave. But after a few visits, he reverts back to his old, rude ways. It has reached a point that it's affecting our marriage. Can you offer any suggestions for how this issue can be resolved? -- TIRED OF IT IN TORONTO

DEAR TIRED OF IT: It would be helpful to know why your husband behaves this way. Does he dislike your folks? Does he have so little in common with them he doesn't know how to participate in a conversation with them? Is he this way with any other people?

Perhaps it would be better for all concerned if he saw them with you less often, say, 30 percent to 50 percent of the time. And before he does, make sure he is up to the task of being social because, as it stands, I agree his behavior is rude.

He's not a teenager with his nose buried in a cellphone; he's an adult who should know better. If he finds your parents' company less than stimulating, he should be a better actor.

DEAR ABBY: Last year my darling mother lost her battle with cancer. Aside from grief and loss, a bigger issue looms over my life. It concerns my stepdad.

Before Mom was diagnosed, my stepfather was a selfish, self-centered man. At times he was mean to her to the point that I wanted her to leave him. In fairness, once Mom was diagnosed, he stepped up to the plate and took excellent care of her until her death.

I have other issues with my stepfather. He was inappropriate with me, sharing things he should have kept to himself. It caused my mother great heartache and made me lose respect for him. I am still uncomfortable around him. Mom knew how I felt and understood.

Now that she is gone, do I have any obligation to him? He has a strained relationship with his only child. My sibling thinks I'm too hard on him, but doesn't understand the major problems our stepdad caused. I don't want to continue pretending I like him. Please help, Abby. -- SEARCHING FOR GUIDANCE

DEAR SEARCHING: You are entitled to your feelings and, no, you do not have any obligation to your stepfather. If your sibling wants to see him, that's his/her choice. Explain to your sibling your reasons for feeling the way you do -- and if you encounter your stepfather during family gatherings, be polite and don't linger. That isn't pretending to like the man; it is good manners.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old son, "Nils," recently joined a sport he really enjoys. His stepdad and I are at every practice, helping the coaches and coaching my son along.

Nils recently commented to me that he would like it if his father could come and see him practice. I took it upon myself, as I usually do, to call my ex, "John," and suggest he make an appearance because it would make our son happy.

My husband, who has been a wonderful stepdad to Nils for 13 years now, told me I should leave it alone. He said if John was a "real" father, he would just show up without being asked.

When things like this happen, should I leave it alone, or should I ask John to be involved more than he tries to be? I tell my ex about all of our son's activities and sometimes he just doesn't show. -- TRYING TO BE A GOOD MOM

DEAR TRYING: Not knowing your former husband, I can't guess his reason for not coming to your son's practices, particularly if he said he was going to attend. John may be irresponsible, or he may have unforeseen scheduling conflicts. By telling him about your son's activities and letting him know his presence is wanted, you have done your job as a conscientious mother. At 14, Nils is old enough to also call his father and invite him. The rest is up to your ex.

DEAR ABBY: In reference to the letter from the man who was constantly setting off "gaydar" alarms in females (March 10), I would like to share my experience.

I dated and then married a man who incorrectly set off my "gaydar." It had nothing to do with his mannerisms, his speech or appearance. It was his extreme personal insecurity regarding dating and making friends. In addition, "Mr. Not-Gay" could neither read nor write, which caused even more emotional insecurity.

After we had been married 10 years he became physically disabled and we had to move. No one in our new city took him for gay, even without me and without a wedding ring on him. He divorced me at 62 because the 30-something home-care aides looked better, but that's another story. -- MARCIA IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MARCIA: I hope you will write again and tell us the rest of the story, as I'm sure I'm not the only person who would be interested in reading it. I agree that individuals who are uncomfortable with themselves sometimes emit vibes that make others uncomfortable because I have experienced it. But this subject does highlight the absurdity of gay stereotypes. Because a man is slight, soft-spoken and a meticulous dresser does not mean he is gay, any more than it means a man who is fat, sloppy and loud is straight.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Duane" for two months. He's kind, good-looking, successful, smart and fun. He's also apparently quite proud of his astonishingly hairy chest because he always wears his shirts unbuttoned nearly to his navel. When we're in public, you can see people react. Sometimes they point and whisper.

I gently raised the issue, but he didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I like him, but I'm embarrassed sometimes. Any thoughts? -- BLUSHING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR BLUSHING: Yes. Your friend is suffering from overexposure. When strangers point and whisper, what they're saying is usually no compliment. Because Duane's decolletage embarrasses you, give him a choice: Button up or mow the "lawn."

DEAR ABBY: My husband has ice water with every meal. During breakfast and dinner he loudly crunches all of the ice in his glass throughout the meal.

I have asked him not to do it at the dinner table, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. At breakfast, I usually eat in another room and wear noise reduction headphones.

I'm deaf in one ear and have only about 60 percent hearing in the other. We have been married for more than 30 years and he claims he has "always" done it and it's part of his enjoying his meal.

Am I selfish to ask that he not crunch while I'm sitting next to him? -- HATES THE CRUNCHING IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR HATES THE CRUNCHING: I reviewed your letter with an expert at the House Research Institute in Los Angeles and was told that hypersensitivity to sound can occur as a result of hearing loss. If you haven't discussed this with an ear, nose and throat specialist or an otologist, you should, because your problem may be related to your limited range of hearing.

If you wear a hearing aid, it may be amplifying the noise, which could contribute to your hypersensitivity. Also, because you find your husband's habit irritating, you may think you are hearing more noise than you actually are.

For him to persist in doing something he knows annoys you is not only insensitive, but also rude.

P.S. I'm surprised his dentist hasn't cautioned him about chewing ice because it can chip the enamel on his teeth -- or even cause a tooth to fracture.

DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your and your mother's columns for many years. After hearing about her passing, I want you and your family to know you will be listed in my prayers in the days ahead.

I thought you might be interested to know some of the lessons I have learned from reading your column. They are:

1. Don't blame your server for bad food. Always be polite and send compliments to the chef when applicable.

2. It's your wedding; you don't have to invite "drama mama" and "long-gone dads" unless you want to. And do not ignore Stepmom.

3. It's never too late to change bad habits. Today is a good time to begin making healthy new ones.

4. Kindness is always important. Do it randomly if you must, but do it often. Pennies are a gentle reminder of heaven.

5. Being the other woman is a dead-end job. No matter what he says, the odds are he is never going to leave his wife.

6. Workplace romances are usually doomed. Don't risk it unless you want to find a new job.

7. Counseling is a good thing. Don't suffer for years or in silence. Get some help today.

8. Reconcile and forgive estranged parents if you can. You don't have to be dysfunctional because they are.

9. Pursue that thing you dream of now. You're going to get older anyway. Which would you regret more, doing something or not doing it?

10. You deserve to be loved. Start with yourself, become the best that you can be and live until you die.

P.S. I just thought of one more: Send thank-you notes, and no, it's never too late to do it. -- CYNTHIA B. HOPSON, LEBANON, TENN.

DEAR CYNTHIA: Your letter made me smile. Thank you for sending it. It brightened my day.