DEAR ABBY: My daughter died in a car accident two years ago. She and her boyfriend, "Reed," had a 4-month-old daughter, "Angela." Since then, Reed has been very understanding and liberal with visitations. However, it didn't take him long to find another girlfriend, who has a 4-year-old daughter I'll call Madison.

The first time I went to pick up Angela, the new girlfriend hinted strongly that I should also take Madison. I didn't like it, but I took her. Abby, Madison is the meanest, rudest child I have ever met. She called my dad ugly, my daughter ugly and my house "stinky." I saw her push Angela down and laugh. Then she tried to smother my granddaughter by sitting on her head on the couch. The last time I brought Angela home, Madison told me that everything I bought for Angela I had to buy for her, too.

I don't want to take Madison anymore. It has been difficult losing my daughter, seeing her replaced with a new girlfriend and now being expected to include an unpleasant "step-granddaughter" in everything. But if I don't take her, I'm afraid they won't let me visit Angela. Do you have any advice? -- ANGIE'S GRAM IN MISSOURI

DEAR GRAM: If you haven't already spoken to Reed and the girl's mother about her behavior, you should. Madison may act out because she's jealous of Angela and, among other things, she needs to learn better manners before she's included in any more visits. If she had pulled the shenanigans with me that she has with you, I would have taken her home immediately.

This is not to say that Madison should be permanently excluded, but you should have time with your granddaughter one-on-one. The same is true for Madison and her grandparents. You are not a built-in baby sitter, which appears to be how you have been made to feel, but nothing will change until you broach the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I feel fortunate to find myself with the love of my life at 24. "Josh" is charming, intelligent, a hard worker and a wonderful partner. I know we can achieve all the things we hope for. We have discussed where we stand on issues such as children, family, finances, living arrangements, etc. We are mostly compatible, and where there is tension, we work it through and compromise.

We are clearly headed toward engagement. He has picked out a ring and I want it badly, but I am hesitant. I am afraid I won't give him what he deserves.

I dated a man in college for three years. We talked about our future, made plans, and then I changed my mind. The pain I caused was terrible. I still regret hurting him, although I don't regret leaving. I'm afraid I will do it again. I'm so anxious I sometimes think I should bail now and cut his losses just in case. I don't think I will, but who can see the future?

My mother says I have always been obsessed with making the right choice. Am I being foolish and letting my anxieties run away with me? -- SUSAN IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR SUSAN: There are better ways to cope with your anxiety than "throwing the baby out with the bathwater." You are not the same person you were in college. You have grown and are obviously more aware of the consequences of your actions.

Because you are anxious about making a commitment to "the love or your life" -- someone with whom you have many things in common -- it's time to schedule an appointment with a licensed counselor to discuss it. It will be time and money well spent.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter was married eight months ago. During the planning of the wedding, her fiance was very involved in every aspect of decision-making. Soon after the vows were exchanged, her new husband became cold and distant toward her. He would constantly tell her she made him miserable, and he allowed his mother to ridicule and berate her over things from her hair color to her cooking.

My husband and I kept quiet because we didn't want to interfere. About a month ago, he decided he no longer wanted to be married. Since then, my daughter has revealed that shortly after the wedding she discovered her engagement ring was a fake, and he insisted she pay for half the costs of the honeymoon -- which she did.

We're not wealthy people, so paying for their wedding was a stretch for us. I am furious that my soon-to-be ex-son-in-law sat and watched us spend thousands of dollars on a wedding, knowing full well my daughter was wearing a fake ring on her hand and then insisted she pay for half the honeymoon.

I wonder what his real motive was in marrying her. He shows no remorse and portrays himself as the "victim" for having married someone who couldn't get along with his mother.

How do I move forward and get over my anger and need for retribution? -- OUTRAGED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR OUTRAGED: Start by thanking your lucky stars that your daughter will soon be free of a husband who appears to be already married to his mother. Then realize that your daughter was married to a dishonest, verbally abusive user to whom she might have been tied for a lifetime if she'd had a child or two with him.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 24-year-old gay man, and I still don't know if I want to have children or not. I feel that by this point I should know, but I don't. When I date, the subject inevitably comes up, and I never know how to respond.

I used to think that children were an expense I would never want, but now the thought pops into my head from time to time. People have told me I'd be a great dad. I think so, too.

When and how will I know for sure? And in the meantime, what should I tell the guys I date? -- UNDECIDED IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR UNDECIDED: It is not unusual for a person your age -- regardless of sexual orientation -- to be unsure about taking on the responsibilities of parenthood. You will probably know "for sure" you want children when you are in a stable relationship and financially able to provide for them. In the meantime, tell the guys you date that you "think" you would like to be a parent one day -- but you're not yet ready to set up a nursery.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 29-year-old male. Is it normal for me to be dating a woman who is in her mid-50s? I really like her, and she likes me, but sex seems to be an issue because she is hesitant to engage with someone who is my age. In her words, she is old enough to be my mother and it's "weird." What are your thoughts? -- JAY IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR JAY: It's unusual for a man in his 20s to be dating a woman that much older, but it's not unheard of. It is more common for the reverse to be true. Remind her that the age difference hasn't stopped some men from doing it, and we're living in the age of equality.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl. I don't understand why adults tell me to be an independent thinker, to embrace myself, and then put me down for not conforming. Why is it outrageous to come to your own conclusions, speculate, challenge accepted ideas or find your own faith? It would be easier to quietly nod an empty head and smile to please our parents and the adults who influence kids, so they can enjoy superficial satisfaction for how "well" they have raised us.

Should I deny myself as an individual and be pulled along, or is it better to stay quiet and just be who everyone expects you to be? -- INDEPENDENT THINKER IN FLORIDA

DEAR INDEPENDENT THINKER: Independent thinkers are the people who have contributed the most to society. Our most important scientific discoveries were conceived by individuals who chose not to accept conventional thinking. The same is true for religion -- Jesus was an independent thinker.

I'm not sure what kind of conversation you feel the adults in your life are trying to discourage. But people who are deeply committed to their religious faith can feel offended or threatened if their beliefs are challenged. Even though you are an independent thinker, you should be respectful of the beliefs of others.

DEAR ABBY: Around the time of my sister's wedding, she and her fiance, "Greg," tried to get me and their best man, "Bruce," together. They brought him along when they would visit and encouraged us to date. Not long after the wedding we did start dating.

Bruce is a great guy and I enjoy being with him. My problem is, he's my brother-in-law's nephew even though they are close in age. (Bruce's mom is Greg's half sister.)

Am I dating a family member? Are we committing incest? Should we end this relationship? I don't know what is "right." -- WEIRDED OUT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WEIRDED OUT: Bruce is not a blood relative; he is related to you by marriage. That is not the same as incest. If you care about each other, the right thing to do is continue the relationship and see where it leads. "Great guys" can make great husbands.

DEAR ABBY: My husband fathered a child in high school that was placed for adoption. His mother has become very close with the adoptive family and visits often. My husband does not. However, my mother-in-law constantly asks him to go on vacation with her to visit the child. I also found out that she sends the child gifts and signs my husband's name on the cards.

Abby, I feel this is hugely disrespectful not only to me, but also to my husband. He has chosen not to get involved with this child because he doesn't think it's fair to the adoptive family. He also doesn't wish to become attached. We have already told her she is overstepping her boundaries, but it continues to happen. What can we do? -- FRUSTRATED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your mother-in-law may have the best of intentions, but forging your husband's name is dishonest. Sooner or later the child will find out the truth, and the result may be painful. However, there is nothing you can do to control your husband's mother's behavior, so accept it and don't take it personally.