DEAR READERS: It's April Fools' Day, the day on which I share some offbeat letters and examples of readers' efforts to pull my leg. It's all in fun -- so enjoy!

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. He has always been a good husband, but recently he has been coming home increasingly late. He says he's putting in overtime.

The other day when I was doing the laundry, I discovered a red stain on his underwear. He said they were painting the bathroom at work and he had gotten paint on it when he used the facilities, but it looks more like lipstick to me.

Can you tell me how to get the lipstick out of his shorts? -- GOOD HOUSEWIFE IN UTAH

DEAR GOOD HOUSEWIFE: There's more to marriage than getting whiter whites. You may be a great housewife, but you're missing the big picture. More important than getting the lipstick out of his shorts is keeping his shorts away from the lipstick. And that's no joke.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend just moved in, and we're going to have a party to celebrate. We have decided to have it here, but the problem is we have just one bathroom.

I think we should rent a porta-potty. We could put it in the hallway next to the dining room. My girlfriend thinks that's tacky, but I think it's a sensible solution. Because this is a fourth-floor walk-up, the porta-potty folks may charge extra to deliver it. Advice, please? -- TOM AND NANCY IN NEW YORK

DEAR TOM AND NANCY: Gladly. Charge for the use of the porta-potty and two things will happen: You will make enough money to reimburse yourself for the delivery cost, and so few guests will accept your invitations in the future that your one bathroom will be able to accommodate them.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I and our teenage son came home from a family get-together, and after he went to bed, my wife told me she wants to get a new, "bouncier" bed. We don't want to wake up our son with the noise of our enjoying it. What kind of bed do you recommend? -- MR. ROMANCE IN OREGON

DEAR MR. ROMANCE: Forget the bed and buy a trampoline. And if your son asks why, tell him you're training to join the circus.

DEAR ABBY: How can I give my boyfriend makeup sex if we never have an argument? -- MISS BLISS IN INDIANA

DEAR MISS BLISS: That's a good question. If you figure out the answer, let me know.

DEAR ABBY: I am a married man dating a married woman. She's the love of my life. My girlfriend is sweet, kind, has a caring heart and is very much a lady.

We often sneak away for romantic weekends, where we laugh and enjoy being together and forget our daily routines. Sometimes I'll stop and watch her while she shops or talks to people and admire how beautiful she is. The twinkle in her eyes is as close as I can get to the stars in the sky. I adore her and plan to be with her for the rest of my life.

And one more thing: My girlfriend is also my bride of 40 years! -- ONE LUCKY GUY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR LUCKY GUY: Normally I'd advise you to try to turn your wife into the love of your life, but you're ahead of me!

DEAR ABBY: I have a relative who is very ill. She's not expected to survive. She has a 1-year-old daughter, "Whitney," and a husband who isn't particularly interested in parenting once his wife is gone. My husband and I have a 3-year-old, and my husband would like to have more children. I love this relative and the little girl, but I'm not interested in raising another child. I'm fine with just one.

My husband feels we have the love and resources to provide Whitney with a good life. I respect the fact that he feels this way, but I work full time. I am also in my mid-40s and already feel overwhelmed being the parent of one child. I enjoy my current lifestyle and being able to travel some. Although we will be fine financially, our lifestyle would be greatly impaired.

My husband says I'm selfish for not wanting to share my good fortune. He may be right, but I feel that if I'm talked into taking her, I'll be unhappy and resentful. Please advise. -- ONLY WANTS ONE

DEAR ONLY WANTS ONE: Children need love and attention from the adults who parent them. While your husband has that to offer Whitney, you do not. Because you would be unhappy and resentful if your husband talks you into adopting her, it would be better for you and Whitney if someone who really wants a child, and is capable of providing the love and support a child needs, took her.

DEAR ABBY: I am retired from teaching high school biology after 39 years. The last year I taught, some of my students said I was the "youngest" teacher on the faculty -- not chronologically, but in the way I talked to them. I treated them as important, as equals. Being around high school students all those years kept me young.

Since my retirement, I can no longer do the thing I loved best: teach biology. However, I am keeping my commitment to staying young. Last summer I bicycled 500 miles across Kansas. I do nine hours of dance exercise and aerobics a week, paint with oils, do photography and am starting to relearn the guitar. I may be in the early stages of Parkinson's disease, so I want to do everything I didn't get to do when I was younger while I still can.

I think too many people are busy being old. Most of my former classmates and friends have died. Many younger people can't do what I do. Some of them tell me I should "act my age" and "learn to be old." But what I'm doing keeps me young, and if I look silly doing it, so be it. I feel more fit now than when I was 21. If I die in an aerobics class it will be a lot better than doing it slumped in a chair. What are your thoughts on this? -- LIVING WELL IN WICHITA

DEAR LIVING WELL: As long as you are living a full life and enjoying what you're doing, you should ignore those "helpful" individuals who tell you to "act your age" and "learn to be old." It has been awhile since I have read such nonsense.

You have been blessed with health, vitality and an inquiring mind. Life is too short to waste a second of it. When you're old and infirm you will know it, so don't let anyone rush you.

TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A happy Easter to all of you!

DEAR ABBY: There's this guy I like, "Joey." My sister likes him, too. Joey and I are not dating, although we are very close friends. My sister (of course) decided to ask him out on a date. I'm so upset with her. It has been two days since their date and I'm still not talking to her.

I can't believe she asked him out when she knew I was about to. I don't want to ruin our relationship, but Joey is now into her. Please give me some advice before I do something terribly wrong. -- CAN'T TAKE IT IN FLORIDA

DEAR CAN'T TAKE IT: If your sister jumped in knowing you were interested in Joey, it was sneaky and wrong. But you have nothing to gain by declaring war over it. Keep your options open and bide your time. With luck, their romance will blow over -- and when it does, if you have maintained your position as Joey's "close friend," you can make your move then. It may take nerves of steel, but I have faith in you, and it will be worth it in the long run.

DEAR ABBY: My niece is being married soon on the East Coast. My husband and our two teenaged children have been invited to attend. We cannot afford the multiple airfares and the cost of hotel accommodations that attending this wedding would require.

We don't look poor and we don't act poor, but money is very tight right now because we're paying for the last semester of our third child's college tuition. I had already sent a lovely shower gift to my niece.

How can we gracefully decline the invitation without offending anyone? We also have household repairs that have to be attended to. -- JUST DON'T HAVE IT IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR JUST DON'T HAVE IT: As I see it, you have two choices -- respond by saying you have a "conflict," or tell these relatives you would love to be there, but with the cost of a college education these days, you can't swing it. (I vote for the latter.)

DEAR ABBY: I lost my mom last year. It was unexpected, and my father and I are still hurting. Mom had a friend who never fails to tell me how the loss of her mother and her husband was much more painful for her than my loss. Every time I have the unfortunate luck of answering the phone when she calls, she'll ask how I'm doing, then launch into how hard it was on her and I don't know the true pain that she does.

I am sick of people telling me they understand how I feel and what I'm going through. No one knows the depth of what I'm experiencing, except maybe my sibling. I moved back home to take care of my wonderful mother. She was my best friend. I could tell her anything and she was never judgmental. I love her and I hurt from her loss.

Please tell people when offering condolences to just listen and be there. That's what anyone who suffers a loss needs more than anything. Do not compare your pain to theirs.

And Abby, please know how sorry I am for the loss of your own dear mother, and thank you for letting me vent. -- HOLE IN MY HEART IN OCEAN SPRINGS, MISS.

DEAR HOLE IN YOUR HEART: I'm sorry for your loss, too, and you're welcome. Please know that no rule of etiquette says you have to listen to that woman's insensitive prattle. The next time she starts, it is perfectly acceptable to stop her cold and tell her that when she compares her pain to yours she is being insensitive, and that if she does it one more time you will hang up. Clearly, she is not calling to see how you're doing; she is calling to dump. There are times when you must protect yourself, and this is one of them.