DEAR ABBY: There's this guy I like, "Joey." My sister likes him, too. Joey and I are not dating, although we are very close friends. My sister (of course) decided to ask him out on a date. I'm so upset with her. It has been two days since their date and I'm still not talking to her.

I can't believe she asked him out when she knew I was about to. I don't want to ruin our relationship, but Joey is now into her. Please give me some advice before I do something terribly wrong. -- CAN'T TAKE IT IN FLORIDA

DEAR CAN'T TAKE IT: If your sister jumped in knowing you were interested in Joey, it was sneaky and wrong. But you have nothing to gain by declaring war over it. Keep your options open and bide your time. With luck, their romance will blow over -- and when it does, if you have maintained your position as Joey's "close friend," you can make your move then. It may take nerves of steel, but I have faith in you, and it will be worth it in the long run.

DEAR ABBY: My niece is being married soon on the East Coast. My husband and our two teenaged children have been invited to attend. We cannot afford the multiple airfares and the cost of hotel accommodations that attending this wedding would require.

We don't look poor and we don't act poor, but money is very tight right now because we're paying for the last semester of our third child's college tuition. I had already sent a lovely shower gift to my niece.

How can we gracefully decline the invitation without offending anyone? We also have household repairs that have to be attended to. -- JUST DON'T HAVE IT IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR JUST DON'T HAVE IT: As I see it, you have two choices -- respond by saying you have a "conflict," or tell these relatives you would love to be there, but with the cost of a college education these days, you can't swing it. (I vote for the latter.)

DEAR ABBY: I lost my mom last year. It was unexpected, and my father and I are still hurting. Mom had a friend who never fails to tell me how the loss of her mother and her husband was much more painful for her than my loss. Every time I have the unfortunate luck of answering the phone when she calls, she'll ask how I'm doing, then launch into how hard it was on her and I don't know the true pain that she does.

I am sick of people telling me they understand how I feel and what I'm going through. No one knows the depth of what I'm experiencing, except maybe my sibling. I moved back home to take care of my wonderful mother. She was my best friend. I could tell her anything and she was never judgmental. I love her and I hurt from her loss.

Please tell people when offering condolences to just listen and be there. That's what anyone who suffers a loss needs more than anything. Do not compare your pain to theirs.

And Abby, please know how sorry I am for the loss of your own dear mother, and thank you for letting me vent. -- HOLE IN MY HEART IN OCEAN SPRINGS, MISS.

DEAR HOLE IN YOUR HEART: I'm sorry for your loss, too, and you're welcome. Please know that no rule of etiquette says you have to listen to that woman's insensitive prattle. The next time she starts, it is perfectly acceptable to stop her cold and tell her that when she compares her pain to yours she is being insensitive, and that if she does it one more time you will hang up. Clearly, she is not calling to see how you're doing; she is calling to dump. There are times when you must protect yourself, and this is one of them.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for several months. He's fun and caring, and we spend a lot of time together. He's different from other boys I have dated. We can talk to each other about anything.

My only concern is our relationship physically. He makes it very clear that he wants to go all the way with me. He isn't rude or pushy about it. I don't want to rush into anything. We are both virgins (he does have more experience), and while I have known him for a long time, I don't know him as well as I'd like.

I want to wait until we have dated for at least six months. He says he respects my decision and says he doesn't want to pressure me. I still feel a little rushed. All of our friends have had sex, but I don't want it to be about our hormones in the heat of the moment.

I hate saying no to him. I know he won't leave me, but I feel bad for leaving him frustrated. Would it be wrong to agree to having sex with him -- something we both want -- even if I don't know if we're ready for the next step? -- UNSURE IN CANADA

DEAR UNSURE: Yes, it would be wrong. The first time you have sex it should be because you are 100 percent sure you are ready, and he is the right person. If that's not the case, you will be cheating yourself.

And as for feeling guilty because you are leaving him frustrated -- I have a solution. Socialize with him in group settings and spend less time alone together. That way there will be less frustration for him and less temptation for both of you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother raising a 15-year-old son. For most of his life it has just been the two of us. I now regret that I put him in bed with me when he was a baby. As he grew older, I encouraged him to sleep in his own bed, but it would last only a few nights, and then he would sneak back into my room.

I was married for three years when he was around 11, and he'd sneak into my husband's and my bedroom after we were asleep and sleep on a couch in there.

His problem is he is terrified of the dark and believes in ghosts, monsters, etc. He says he has a phobia and I believe him. I tried getting a dog for him to sleep with and night-lights, but nothing worked. If I lock him out, he lays awake all night, scared to death.

I kept thinking he would grow out of this, but he hasn't. Please help. I can't really afford therapy, but if you think he needs it, I will try. -- TROUBLED IN ARIZONA

DEAR TROUBLED: Some sessions with a psychologist who specializes in phobias would be the quickest way to help your son overcome his problem. And when you consult with one, I am sure the therapist will recommend that your son stay away from violent video games, and movies or television shows that feature ghosts, monsters or anything else that goes "bump" in the dark because they could only increase his fears.

DEAR ABBY: I'm different from other girls. I don't wear girly clothes. I prefer dark clothes and makeup. My mom thinks I'm strange because I dress differently. Do you think I look like a freak for not conforming, or is there nothing wrong with being different? -- DIFFERENT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR DIFFERENT: I would never call you a "freak" because of your attire. It is common for young people to express their individuality by their dress, hairstyle and makeup. There is, however, a point when a person's style choices can be limiting.

My question for you would be, "Are you getting the kind of attention you want from presenting yourself this way?" The answer should determine how you choose to dress.

DEAR ABBY: As a law enforcement officer, I would like to comment on your reply to "Overprotective Mom" (Dec. 26). I agree with your solution to have the boy who wouldn't wear his bike helmet because it was "uncool" visit a facility that treats people with traumatic brain injuries. However, you missed a golden opportunity to remind parents that they are the parents, and because they are responsible for their child's safety, they are in charge!

What has happened to plain old "parenting"? Time and again, I see children make their own rules because the parents have shrugged off the responsibility of parenting. You should have told them to tell their child that if he won't wear a helmet, his bike will be taken away until he does. -- BILL IN BARTLESVILLE, OKLA.

DEAR BILL: You and many readers are right. I did overlook the issue of parenting in my reply. Mea culpa! Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Have "Overprotective Mom" ask her son if he thinks firefighters, fighter pilots, police officers and football players are "uncool." They all wear helmets! -- JAMES IN HASTINGS, NEB.

DEAR ABBY: Not wearing a bike helmet to be "cool" is knuckling under to peer pressure. Those parents should use this opportunity to explain peer pressure and its consequences to their son.

He needs to understand that he must make decisions for himself, and his "friends" should accept him for who he is. He needs to learn to stand his ground and be who he wants to be despite what others think of him. He also needs to learn to make decisions that affect his life based on facts, and not follow the crowd. True friends will most often make the same sound decisions that he makes, or accept his decision without pressuring him.

One other comment: Require the kid to wear a helmet or forfeit the right to ride a bike. It's called "tough love" and although it is tough, it is also rewarding. More parents need to have sound, well-thought-out rules and stick to them. -- PARENT FIRST, FRIEND SECOND

DEAR ABBY: Patients cannot be used as exhibits, even with the best of intentions. It would be unethical and also illegal under HIPAA laws. A better option would be to contact the injury prevention office at a local children's hospital and ask for tips. If your readers don't live near one, there are websites filled with helpful information. -- LAURIE IN DALLAS

DEAR ABBY: It's true that there is no state code law in Texas regarding bicycle helmets, but many municipalities, including Dallas, have ordinances that require riders to wear them. That mother should check her city code. -- CONCERNED IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: "Overprotective" should let her son choose a "cool" helmet and be sure it's fitted correctly. Going to a bike shop may be the best bet.

Serious bikers are cool and will be supportive. The boy should select the style and color he wants and decorate it with hot stickers or whatever he wishes. If that doesn't work, then take the bike away. It's the kind of cause-and-effect discipline that really works. -- BARBARA IN RUMFORD, MAINE