DEAR ABBY: My best friend of more than 12 years -- the pastor of a large church -- was sent to prison several months ago for soliciting sex with two minor children. While I despise what he did, I have enough intimate knowledge to know this was a one-time thing. He's a sex addict and, while this does not forgive the act, it was just an escalation of his addiction.

I have decided to forgive him and be supportive. I send him a small amount of money each week and provide emotional support. My problem is, I knew about his addiction for 11 of the 12 years we have known each other. I feel I could have prevented all this from happening if I had told others, intervened and helped him get treatment. How do I apologize to all of those who loved and supported him, not knowing he wasn't celibate? -- THE GUILTY ENABLER

DEAR ENABLER: Excuse me? "Just" an escalation of the man's sex addiction? The man's lack of character is appalling. That you would turn a blind eye to what he was doing indicates that you have issues of your own that need resolving. Forget about apologizing. You can't make this better. What's done is done.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend was raised in a family that didn't celebrate holidays, including birthdays. They converted to that religion when he was 10, and while he no longer identifies with that religion, he still doesn't recognize any celebrations.

I was raised with all the traditions surrounding the holidays and the family time that comes with it. I feel they are very important. I have tried explaining this to him, but his attitude toward holidays borders on hatred.

He recently told me he wants me to stop including him in activities or conversations related to holidays and birthdays, and I'm not sure what to do. He finds the same activities acceptable as long as they don't happen around a holiday and are not associated with one.

Would it be unfair to ask him to compromise and share certain traditions with me, in light of the fact that he has no family traditions to bring to the table? -- NO HAPPY BIRTHDAYS

DEAR NO HAPPY BIRTHDAYS: You could ask him to compromise, but it would be unrealistic to expect that someone with his ingrained attitude will do so. A fish and a bird may love each other, but it doesn't mean they can happily cohabit. If you want a happy relationship, find someone whose traditions more closely resemble your own.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an almost 18-year-old girl. I hoped that by now I would be over my fear of the dark, but I'm not. I can't sleep without the TV, go outside after dark or walk through my house at night without being terrified. I always feel as if there is "something" there, no matter how many times I shine a light to check. I'm pretty sure this is irrational, but I don't know what to do. -- SCAREDY-CAT IN FLORIDA

DEAR SCAREDY-CAT: When someone has an irrational fear, the thing to do is to consult a licensed psychotherapist and discuss it. There are counselors who specialize in phobias, and your physician may be able to refer you to one.

DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old son, "Mark," lives at home, has a full-time job and dates a girl, "Julia," who is a minister's daughter. He keeps bringing her to our home on occasions when she's "sick" or needs to catch an early flight and he needs to drive her to the airport. They are seeing only each other.

Julia is in pre-med and Mark thinks she's wonderful and smart. Abby, when she's here, she holes up in his room and never comes out. She's as quiet as a mouse. I am boisterous, and I get the feeling I turn her off.

The last time she stayed over was before an out-of-state interview Mark was driving her to. Abby, she never even said hello or goodbye. He made her breakfast in bed, and they sat there laughing and eating with the door shut.

When she visits she stays down in our den and ignores the rest of us the entire time, as does Mark. After the holidays, she left without wishing us "Happy Holidays" or even giving us a card. I had a present for her, but didn't give it to her because I decided I wouldn't go out of my way for a person who ignores me.

I want my son to move out. I do not want this girl sleeping over or staying under my roof anymore. I don't like her. What should I do? My mother says I should put my foot down and send my grown son out the door. She says I need to grow a spine, but I'm afraid! -- MAMA IN OHIO

DEAR MAMA: You are dealing with two separate issues. Your son is seriously involved with a girl who either never learned basic good manners or who may be pathologically shy. You and your husband should talk privately with Mark and find out exactly what her problem is. You also need to establish some ground rules for when she visits, so you don't feel shut out under your own roof.

Adult "children" live with their parents for various reasons. Some can't afford to live independently; others are trying to save money to buy a home of their own. I don't know Mark's reason and neither will you if you don't address this with him.

Your mother may be right. It may be time for him to move. But what concerns me about what has been going on is the lack of communication and a certain lack of respect. And nothing will change unless you and your husband insist upon it.

DEAR ABBY: This year my school started an international program, so we have students from around the world who attend school with us. I'd like to learn about their countries and invite them to the youth group I attend, but I'm nervous about talking to them and don't think I could work up the nerve. I'm also worried about what they will think of me. What should I say and do? -- APPREHENSIVE IN INDIANA

DEAR APPREHENSIVE: Please don't be afraid to reach out. Put yourself in those students' shoes. If you were in a strange school in a foreign country, wouldn't you be glad if someone approached you and introduced himself or herself and invited you to an activity, or to their home for dinner? All you need to do is smile and say, "Hi, I'm --." If you do, you could start a lifelong friendship and expand your horizons further than you could ever dream.

DEAR ABBY: Is it acceptable for one adult to correct another's English unless asked to do so?

My sister does it frequently, and I want to know if it's rude so I don't make the same blunder. -- GRAMMATICALLY YOURS IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR GRAMMATICALLY YOURS: It isn't rude if it is done tactfully, in private and in the spirit of being helpful. If it's done as a form of one-upmanship, it is obnoxious.

DEAR ABBY: My 87-year-old mother is narcissistic, self-absorbed and extremely cruel. Her physician has consulted with my sister and me and verified these challenging traits. When she says something or acts out, she'll say, "I am who I am, so don't expect me to change."

How can my sister and I deal with the needs of an elderly parent who continues to verbally and emotionally mistreat us and others? My sister is beginning to react in a defensive, angry manner (rightfully so), and all I do is cry and feel guilty for wanting to get away from her. -- REACHED WIT'S END IN LOMA LINDA, CALIF.

DEAR REACHED WIT'S END: Because your mother is behaving the way she always has, her unpleasantness can't be blamed on old age. The next time she acts out and tells you, "I am who I am, so don't expect me to change," respond by saying: "That's right. You are who you are, but I don't have to subject myself to this. If it happens again, I'm out of here." Then follow through.

If that doesn't discourage her unpleasant behavior, consider hiring a social worker or licensed caregiver to see her needs are attended to. That's not abandonment; it's self-defense.

DEAR ABBY: I recently came out to my family as transgender (male to female). However, they still call me "gay." I have told them repeatedly that "transgender" and "gay" are not the same, but they won't listen. They accept and love me "as I am," and I'm grateful for that. But I need them to accept me -- the real me -- as I am in my heart.

I am biologically male and there are people in my life who don't care about that; they care about me as a human being and want to spend their lives with me. It hurts when my parents keep calling me "gay" and their "son." Please help me, Abby. My heart is hurting. -- GIRL NEEDING ADVICE

DEAR GIRL: Believe it or not, your parents may need as much or more help than you do. Although you have told them you are transgender, they do not appear to fully grasp that gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things.

A terrific educational resource for them would be PFLAG. It's an organization made up of parents, families, friends and straight allies united with gay, bisexual and transgender people. Part of their mission is education, and there are chapters in all 50 states. Contact them at www.pflag.org. Their literature will help your parents understand.

DEAR ABBY: I am a man in my 40s. My girlfriend and I have known each other for four years, but have grown much closer over the past few months. She's divorced with no kids.

I have asked her to stop going to a gym that she regularly visits. In the past, she had sex with a guy from there. He no longer goes there, but she craves that environment. She says she goes to keep in shape. I say she made a name for herself there, and requested she go to another gym. What do you think? -- JEFF IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR JEFF: "Made a name for herself"? That's an antiquated phrase I haven't heard in a while. Because you asked, I will offer a few thoughts:

The individual this lady had the fling with is long gone. I doubt at this point whether anyone at that gym cares or remembers. If the "atmosphere" has you worried, go with her, and I'm sure you will quickly realize that the members go there to tone up rather than hook up.

A word of advice: The harder you try to control your girlfriend the further you'll drive her away, so stop acting like a dumbbell.