DEAR ABBY: My 87-year-old mother is narcissistic, self-absorbed and extremely cruel. Her physician has consulted with my sister and me and verified these challenging traits. When she says something or acts out, she'll say, "I am who I am, so don't expect me to change."

How can my sister and I deal with the needs of an elderly parent who continues to verbally and emotionally mistreat us and others? My sister is beginning to react in a defensive, angry manner (rightfully so), and all I do is cry and feel guilty for wanting to get away from her. -- REACHED WIT'S END IN LOMA LINDA, CALIF.

DEAR REACHED WIT'S END: Because your mother is behaving the way she always has, her unpleasantness can't be blamed on old age. The next time she acts out and tells you, "I am who I am, so don't expect me to change," respond by saying: "That's right. You are who you are, but I don't have to subject myself to this. If it happens again, I'm out of here." Then follow through.

If that doesn't discourage her unpleasant behavior, consider hiring a social worker or licensed caregiver to see her needs are attended to. That's not abandonment; it's self-defense.

DEAR ABBY: I recently came out to my family as transgender (male to female). However, they still call me "gay." I have told them repeatedly that "transgender" and "gay" are not the same, but they won't listen. They accept and love me "as I am," and I'm grateful for that. But I need them to accept me -- the real me -- as I am in my heart.

I am biologically male and there are people in my life who don't care about that; they care about me as a human being and want to spend their lives with me. It hurts when my parents keep calling me "gay" and their "son." Please help me, Abby. My heart is hurting. -- GIRL NEEDING ADVICE

DEAR GIRL: Believe it or not, your parents may need as much or more help than you do. Although you have told them you are transgender, they do not appear to fully grasp that gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things.

A terrific educational resource for them would be PFLAG. It's an organization made up of parents, families, friends and straight allies united with gay, bisexual and transgender people. Part of their mission is education, and there are chapters in all 50 states. Contact them at www.pflag.org. Their literature will help your parents understand.

DEAR ABBY: I am a man in my 40s. My girlfriend and I have known each other for four years, but have grown much closer over the past few months. She's divorced with no kids.

I have asked her to stop going to a gym that she regularly visits. In the past, she had sex with a guy from there. He no longer goes there, but she craves that environment. She says she goes to keep in shape. I say she made a name for herself there, and requested she go to another gym. What do you think? -- JEFF IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR JEFF: "Made a name for herself"? That's an antiquated phrase I haven't heard in a while. Because you asked, I will offer a few thoughts:

The individual this lady had the fling with is long gone. I doubt at this point whether anyone at that gym cares or remembers. If the "atmosphere" has you worried, go with her, and I'm sure you will quickly realize that the members go there to tone up rather than hook up.

A word of advice: The harder you try to control your girlfriend the further you'll drive her away, so stop acting like a dumbbell.

DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old daughter became pregnant from a guy she had dated only a few months, but never seriously. After weeks of wondering what she was going to do, she decided that terminating her pregnancy was the best thing to do considering she has limited income and still lives with me. I, however, am pro-life, although I do feel that in cases of rape or incest it is acceptable. My daughter knows how I feel about this. I supported her in her decision, but did not agree with it.

Abby, I have taken this really hard. I have cried every day since she had the abortion, and I'm torturing myself thinking this is my fault because I went against everything I believe in when I supported her in her decision.

Why am I beating myself up about this? Is it because she's my daughter, because I am pro-life or both? How can I stop blaming myself for her decision? -- TORTURED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR TORTURED: The decision about whether or not to terminate the pregnancy wasn't yours to make; it was your daughter's. Being pro-life, you have your own convictions, but you acted as a loving parent should -- you supported your child. If you feel you could benefit from counseling to help you through this, ask your doctor for a referral.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are having a disagreement and I'm wondering if you could weigh in. We keep a handgun hidden in a locked safe in our bedroom. (An access code is required to open it.) We also have a 1 1/2-year-old daughter.

On the recommendations of a co-worker, we recently hired a baby sitter whom we used for an evening while we attended a party. She seemed like a nice young lady.

My problem is, when she arrived, my husband immediately announced that we had a gun upstairs. He felt it was her "right" to know. I think, because the gun isn't accessible, the information was useless to her and actually may have put our family in danger. How do we know she won't mention it to someone who will target us for a break-in in order to steal it?

To me, having a (secured) firearm in our house is no one else's business but ours. What do you think? -- NOT THE WILD WEST

DEAR NOT THE WILD WEST: I think you are correct. This is a subject that should have been discussed before the young woman was hired. Your husband exhibited poor judgment by sharing what should have been confidential information.

DEAR ABBY: My colleagues and I are concerned about a close friend and co-worker. He insists that it's not against the law to read books while driving. He says he does it only on highways because everyone is going the same speed and direction and you only need peripheral vision.

In every other aspect of his life, this man follows the rules to the letter and is a highly respected teacher. Is it true that this is legal? -- CONCERNED IN OHIO

DEAR CONCERNED: Of course not! A distracted driver who is reading books is at least as dangerous as one who is eating, texting, applying makeup, shaving or talking on a cellphone. This "highly respected" teacher doesn't have my respect; he's a menace on the highway.

DEAR ABBY: Is there such a thing as non-physical sexual abuse? When I was young, my father would fondle my mother when I came to sleep with them when I had a nightmare. (She would rebuff his advances.) He would also watch porn in front of me.

As I matured, he made comments about my figure. He would barge into my room without knocking and insist he didn't have to knock. He'd tell dirty jokes or talk about sexually inappropriate things. (The day after my wedding he asked my husband how our wedding night had been.) But with all of this, he never touched me or assaulted me.

His actions affected my self-esteem and relationships because as I grew up I thought the only thing I had to offer was being sexy. Thankfully, therapy and my husband helped me to see myself as a fully dynamic person.

I recently began seeing a new counselor who thinks my father was just a dirty old man -- nothing more. Was I abused? Any information you have would be appreciated. -- WONDERING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WONDERING: When a parent attempts to initiate sex or watch pornography in front of a child, it is sexualizing behavior and it could also be considered "grooming" behavior. Your father's actions were so far out of the normal boundaries that they were off the charts. And yes, it was a form of abuse. My advice is to change counselors.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is mentally ill, homeless and on meth. A year ago, when she wasn't so bad, she asked if I would take her 3-year-old daughter, "Lucy," so she could get herself together. Unfortunately, she went the other direction.

It was fine when I thought that the arrangement was temporary, but when I realized I would be raising Lucy as a single parent at 49, things got hard.

My so-called friends have abandoned me, and so has my much younger boyfriend. But what is actually killing this is that I get no respite. I am an extreme introvert. Constant contact drains me. When I don't have my "recharge" time, I tune Lucy out, and the next thing I know she has cut up the curtains or hidden my shoes. I'm afraid I'm just going to lose it. Work doesn't count; there are people there, too. Bad thoughts are going through my head because I feel such resentment.

I know if I had time for my own mental health, I could be a good surrogate mother to Lucy, but if I can't, I'm starting to think I may have to give her up, and that breaks my heart. I want to scream, to throw things, to just leave the house and walk until I drop. Please help me. -- END OF MY ROPE

DEAR END: How much time do you need to recharge? Would it be an hour or hour and a half at the end of each workday? Would an afternoon during the weekends suffice? Have you discussed this with Lucy's grandfather or her paternal grandparents? They might be willing to get involved and lighten your load. Would a neighbor watch your grandchild on a regular basis if you compensated her or him? How about the person who already takes care of Lucy while you're at work?

Please explore these options if you haven't already. Screaming, throwing things and leaving the little girl alone are not viable scenarios. However, if you feel that you might harm her, it would be better if you placed her for adoption or in foster care.