DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 30 years and will be visiting my mother-in-law again soon. Even though he is 50, she is obsessed with dressing him. As soon as we arrive, she searches through our luggage and announces that his clothes are not "good enough." Then she wants to put her son in her dead husband's clothes. She always threatens that she will have a fit if he won't wear the clothes she chooses. What should I do? -- BAGGAGE CHECK IN MONTANA

DEAR BAGGAGE CHECK: Your mother-in-law may still be in deep mourning for her husband. If your husband bears a strong resemblance to his father, it's possible that seeing him in those clothes in some way brings her husband back to her.

Frankly, her behavior is quite bizarre -- including the threatened tantrum if she doesn't get her way. (Could she be losing it?) When the subject comes up again, as it will when you arrive, you and your husband should stand your ground and let her throw her fit. It might be the beginning of some healing.

DEAR ABBY: I have a question regarding what to do when someone pays you a compliment. I was always taught that a compliment should be answered with a polite "thank you." So when my husband compliments me on a nice meal, I say, "Thank you."

He believes that you are not being humble enough when you say thank you, since it is recognizing that you did a good job. He thinks you should say, "I'm glad you like it," instead of thank you. What is the correct response? -- GRAMMATICALLY PERPLEXED

DEAR PERPLEXED: You are not a robot, and your husband should not attempt to program your responses by "correcting" you. Saying thank you for a compliment is the appropriate response when one is offered. When paid a compliment, I see no reason to feign humility by saying anything that lessens it, especially if it is deserved.

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago my sisters, a daughter and several nieces and nephews decided to get the word "family," in my mother's handwriting, tattooed on their bodies to memorialize her. I didn't do it because Mom didn't like tattoos and would not have approved of anyone getting one for any reason. I do a number of other things in her memory.

Should I feel guilty for not joining them in their endeavor to remember Mom, or is it OK to remember her in a way she would approve of? -- NO TATS FOR ME

DEAR NO TATS: The process of mourning is an individual one. There is no requirement that families do it "en masse." If you prefer to memorialize your mother in your own way, then do it and don't feel guilty about it. However, because your relatives chose to do something else in the spirit of family harmony -- which your mother would not approve of -- be careful not to criticize the path they took.

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago my sisters, a daughter and several nieces and nephews decided to get the word "family," in my mother's handwriting, tattooed on their bodies to memorialize her. I didn't do it because Mom didn't like tattoos and would not have approved of anyone getting one for any reason. I do a number of other things in her memory.

Should I feel guilty for not joining them in their endeavor to remember Mom, or is it OK to remember her in a way she would approve of? -- NO TATS FOR ME

DEAR NO TATS: The process of mourning is an individual one. There is no requirement that families do it "en masse." If you prefer to memorialize your mother in your own way, then do it and don't feel guilty about it. However, because your relatives chose to do something else in the spirit of family harmony -- which your mother would not approve of -- be careful not to criticize the path they took.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old female from the West Coast. I am home-schooled and don't have many friends because I score high in tests, meaning I retain more information than the average person.

On the rare occasion that I mingle with children my own age, they call me unpleasant names, play pranks on me and otherwise torture me. I had to change my emergency cellphone number and start using my sister's because there have been so many immature and insulting prank calls.

I hate it. I can't help that I am smart, and I refuse to degrade myself by dumbing down my actions and speech because they can't handle their insecurities. -- HIGH IQ

DEAR HIGH IQ: Being "different" isn't easy, and clearly you are very intelligent. But you and your parents should understand that crank calls are not "pranks" -- they are a form of bullying and should have been reported when they happened.

Most parents who home-school also network with other home-schooling parents so their children can socialize with peers. If your parents haven't done this, I recommend you discuss it with them. You might also meet more intellectually advanced young people if you joined special-interest groups for older students.

Your high IQ might be less threatening to the students who have given you trouble if you volunteer to tutor some of them who need help with their schoolwork. (Just don't fall into the trap of doing it for them.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend, "Dan," for almost five years. He's wonderful and we have a great relationship. We have talked about spending our lives together, but had mutually agreed in the beginning that marriage wasn't a priority for either of us. He has said for years that he never wanted to marry -- which is fine with me.

I now suspect that he's planning to propose to me on our fifth anniversary. (He has never been great at hiding surprises.)

I'm thrilled that he wants to make that kind of commitment, and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him, but the thought of marriage scares me. I don't know if it's nerves about the pending proposal or that I have never planned on marriage and now I have to think about all the stress and strife that comes with planning a wedding.

I want to say yes, but I love the way things are right now, and I know that marriage will change things. What, if anything, do I say to him? -- COLD FEET? IN SALT LAKE CITY

DEAR COLD FEET?: I wish you had mentioned why you think being married to Dan would "change things." If you've been happy together for five years, it's unlikely that making a formal commitment would damage the special relationship you have together.

Perhaps this is "old school," but I feel that if couples plan to bring children into the world, they should be married. Because you want nothing more than to spend the rest of your life with Dan, and are concerned about the stress of planning a wedding, when he pops the question, I suggest you say, "Yes -- why don't we elope?"

DEAR ABBY: I'm convinced my father's wife killed him and I don't know where to turn. He had fought complications from quadruple bypass surgery for a few years, and had been in hospice for months prior to his death. My siblings and I didn't put all the pieces together until afterward.

Although I'm sure Dad was killed, based on facts and discussions with social workers, I'm pretty sure it was assisted suicide, which is illegal in most states, including the state where he lived. I feel cheated and angry at my father's wife for not having the guts to talk to us about his plans, and Dad for relying on her to tell us when she never had a good relationship with any of us. I'm also angry with myself for not stopping what I witnessed as it happened before my eyes. How could I have been so blind?

It has been several years now, and I still feel guilty for letting it happen, although I'm not sure how I could have stopped it. Your thoughts would be appreciated. -- ANGRY SON IN GEORGIA

DEAR ANGRY SON: I'm sorry for your pain and anger, emotions that are not uncommon when a loved one dies. But for your own sake, accept that if your father had an advance health care directive, and trusted his wife to carry it out, then she was following his wishes. While today's medical interventions can prolong someone's life, they can also prolong death.

Hospice offers grief counseling for family members for a period of time after a death occurs, and you and your siblings should have received some. It would have helped you to stop blaming the wife, and let go of any negative feelings so you could go on with your life. And that, I assure you, is what your father would have wanted.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Mary" was in a car accident when she was in her 20s that left her with some brain damage. She appears normal, but has trouble with interpersonal relations, boundaries and impulse control. Overall, her behavior varies from acceptable to belligerent. When she was evaluated by professionals years ago, our family was advised to set standards for her behavior as near to normal as possible.

When we go to restaurants, Mary has a hard time deciding what to order, often engaging the server in an uncomfortable, long conversation about the alternatives. When her meal arrives, she is rarely satisfied with her choice and makes a scene over her dissatisfaction to the server. If we try to intervene, she becomes even more belligerent.

She looks forward to going out and we love her dearly. We would hate to exclude her from these family outings, but we don't know what to do. Can you help? -- IMPOSSIBLE TO DIGEST IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR IMPOSSIBLE TO DIGEST: Because you were told to "set standards" for your sister as near to normal as possible, that's what you should be doing. Before you take her out for a meal, explain to her what the ground rules are. If she acts out, do as you would with an unruly child and leave the restaurant until she regains control of herself.

Because of her impairment, she may need extra help with her menu choices. Luckily, many restaurants now post their menus online. If you print one out and go over it with Mary, you might be able to make the process of ordering easier for her. I can't promise it will work, but it's certainly worth a try.