DEAR ABBY: "Harold" and I have been married for more than 20 years and have three children ranging in age from teen to toddler. We are both college graduates and held middle-management jobs until recently.

Two years ago, Harold was offered a temporary job in an exotic location in another country. We jumped at the chance. I can't work due to the regulations here, but the money is good.

Now that I'm not working, Harold suddenly believes he has the right to tell me what to do, how to manage daily activities, how to care for the children, etc. When we explore our host country, he loses his temper if I take a photo of something he has already photographed.

At Halloween, we invited some local friends over to share the American tradition of pumpkin carving. He literally took the knife out of my hand and shouldered me out of the way so he could do it. In previous years, he had no interest in this activity -- the children and I carved the pumpkins.

These are just two examples, but the scrutiny is daily and relentless. I am instructed how to do the laundry, wash dishes, clean the stove, on and on.

How do I deal with this new controlling behavior? If I address it when it happens, he becomes nasty. I have tried discussing his overall change in attitude, but he says I am "imagining" it. If I ignore his "suggestions," it results in angry outbursts.

I don't know how to get through to him that I'm the same competent individual I was before we made this change and that I do not need micromanaging. Any advice is welcome. -- JUST ABOUT HAD IT

DEAR JUST ABOUT HAD IT: Your husband may be stressed in his new job and no longer feel in control, which is why he is attempting to control you. Or, because he is now the sole wage earner, he may feel "entitled" to dictate your every move. If you are now living in a male-dominated culture where women have no rights, his thinking may be influenced by the men around him.

If marriage counseling is available, I urge you to get some. If that's not possible, perhaps a long vacation for you and the children with your family would defuse the tension.

DEAR ABBY: My son recently committed suicide. He was only 24. Two weeks before his death, he confided to a family member that he had been molested by his uncle when he was between the ages of 4 and 7.

I want this uncle to be exposed, but the family wants to keep it "quiet and in the family." I am very much of the opinion that this molestation could be behind my son's suicide. The uncle is now in his 30s and would have been in his teens when this happened. Please tell me what I should do. -- SUFFERING IN OHIO

DEAR SUFFERING: Because you are suffering, it is important that you talk with a therapist if you haven't already. While early trauma may have played a part in your son's death, suicide is a complex act that is not completely understood.

What is clear is that what this uncle did while in his teens was predatory. Others in the family -- and the community -- should be made aware so their children can be protected, because they may be at risk. The therapist can help you decide how to deal with this, so please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: My two adult granddaughters have rejected me, their doting grandfather. Their father gave me this explanation: "They are uncomfortable with the way you rub their shoulders and necks."

These girls and both parents have misinterpreted my innocent expressions of affection, which haven't changed since the girls were little. The only change is in their perception of my actions.

I am devastated. I asked twice to meet with these family members to discuss their concerns. It has been three months; no meeting time has been offered. There has been no contact, and neither girl has called me for any reason this year.

I can't just stop loving those with whom I have forged a 20-year bond of affection. How can this rupture be repaired? -- GRIEVING GRANDDAD

DEAR GRIEVING GRANDDAD: Clearly, there is a need for some professional mediation here, provided your granddaughters and their parents are willing. If your touches have been regarded as inappropriate, you should have been warned about it years ago. Obviously something has made your granddaughters uncomfortable, and the rupture won't heal until it can be discussed openly.

DEAR ABBY: Lately I have noticed that people are bringing their dogs shopping with them. I'm not talking about service dogs, but pets.

The other day, a woman brought her dog into the grocery store. While I'll admit the little thing looked cute sitting in the shopping cart, someone else's food will be in that cart next, and who knows where that dog's feet have been?

Why does management allow this? I'm willing to bet money that if I were to bring my pit bull, "Bruiser," inside the grocery store with me, I'd be stopped immediately. Talk about a double standard. I welcome your comments. -- ASKANCE IN POWAY, CALIF.

DEAR ASKANCE: You should speak to the store manager and ask why it was permitted, because I was under the impression that health laws do not permit canines inside establishments that sell food -- unless they are service dogs. "Bruiser" might be unwelcome not because of his size, but because there is concern about the breed's reputation.

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to your answer to "Lost, Alone and Worried in Urbana, Ill." (Dec. 26), the young girl who is being made to teach her younger, learning-disabled brother how to read. You were right in advising her to talk to her school counselor. However, you should have emphasized strongly to her that it is a must.

The school counselor is part of a guidance team that evaluates students with learning differences and strategizes ways to support the student and family. The parents are part of the team and attend meetings requested by the teacher, counselor or the parents themselves. All conversations are confidential.

This may help the sister understand that she will not be blamed for anything. She is in a difficult position, and you were right to suppose that the parents may be frustrated and looking for help. It may be exactly what this family needs to get back on track. -- LOUISE B., ELEMENTARY SCHOOL COUNSELOR

DEAR LOUISE B.: I appreciate your input, and I hope the girl who wrote sees your letter.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in love with "Richard" for 14 years. We broke up after we dated for a while because my alcoholic mother kept interfering. She kept telling me how "bad" he was for me -- and I, thinking my mother had my best interests at heart, believed her.

After a divorce on my part and a breakup on his, we are now in a long-distance relationship. We hope to make our relationship permanent after getting to know each other again.

My problem is, when Richard is unhappy or upset with someone else, he takes it out on me. It doesn't seem to matter what happened, he'll pick a fight over something inconsequential. It drives me crazy.

I know what he's doing; I just don't know how to stop it. The latest flare-up involved the fact that his dog was missing, so he picked a fight with me because I "always tell him how nice the weather is where I live."

He refuses to get counseling. What do I do? -- PULLING MY HAIR OUT

DEAR PULLING: Your problem isn't that Richard uses you as a scapegoat for his frustrations; it's that you tolerate it. It's possible that because of your mother's alcoholism and the unpredictable behavior you were subjected to during your formative years, you have accepted Richard's behavior.

Because he refuses counseling, you should get some. What he's doing is not acceptable. It is emotional abuse. From my perspective, the healthiest thing you could do for yourself besides break up with Richard would be to keep the romance long-distance.

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired woman, active in my community and troubled by a recent incident involving a longtime friend. This is the third time it has happened, and it left me feeling embarrassed.

When we're out together meeting new people, she will introduce herself as being a secretary or a senior secretary and me as "just" a receptionist. The job title is true, but I hold a college degree. I have held other positions commanding greater respect. I am chair of the local Council on Aging, a Town Meeting member and on the Cultural Council. The last time it happened, I had brought her to a lunch at a very nice restaurant, and the people we were meeting were members of my community.

Why does this make me feel so demeaned? Am I being petty or vainly pretentious? Right now I no longer want to continue the friendship. Can you help me understand and form a game plan? I think I may be too close to the forest to see the trees. -- MORE THAN A JOB TITLE IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR MORE THAN A JOB TITLE: Your "friend" is insecure. That she describes you as "just" a receptionist is her attempt to make her own job designation appear more important. And that's what is offensive.

You don't need a "game plan" in dealing with her. "Just" tell her to cut it out or the friendship will be history. Whatever happens after that, your problem will be solved -- one way or another.

DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine gave me some books -- books she didn't like! My question: Why would you pass on something you did not enjoy reading? -- THERESA IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR THERESA: Perhaps she thought you would like them. Because she didn't care for the books didn't mean you automatically wouldn't. Or, having paid for them, she didn't want the money she had spent to go to waste.

My thought: Give her the benefit of the doubt and stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.