DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are both schoolteachers. She hates to call in sick and often teaches class when she says she feels ill. I don't argue with her.

The problem arises when I am not feeling well. When I am sick and feverish, I'm not inclined to rise from my sickbed and go to work. On those few occasions, my wife objects strenuously. She interrogates me about my symptoms, then makes her own "diagnosis" on the spot. Apparently, her gold standard for staying home is the inability to stand.

This creates a problem for me at work because co-workers are concerned about catching my obvious illness. The last time I felt sick, my wife ordered me to go to work. When I saw a doctor afterward, I was told I had a virus and should be in bed. My wife still objected to my missing work because she considered it to be "just a cough."

I missed a grand total of two days because of it. On one of them I wasn't able to stand, the other because I refused to get out of bed. Then, since I was staying home "doing nothing," my wife insisted I care for our two children (ages 3 and 1), rather than send them to my mother-in-law who baby-sits while we work.

Today a staff member called in sick with the same virus I had. Everyone looked at me as the responsible party.

If I stay home, my wife will dump the kids on me and give me the cold shoulder. If I go to work, I expose my co-workers and perform poorly. Help! -- AT A TOTAL LOSS IN CORPUS CHRISTI

DEAR TOTAL LOSS: It appears you married a woman who is not only lacking in empathy, but also is a controlling, slave-driving witch. Unless you can find the backbone to take control of the situation and stop acting like a victim, your wife will continue to punish you when you're least able to defend yourself -- and nothing will change.

P.S. A teacher with a virus can not only infect co-workers and administrative staff, but also his students -- not to mention his own children. Please point that out to "Simone Legree."

DEAR ABBY: The adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say ..." is easier said than done. When I am tired or stressed, I have a tendency to be less tolerant of others' quirks, and sometimes I voice my annoyance. While my opinions do have a basis, I sometimes feel guilty about insulting or hurting the person's feelings. I envy those who are strong enough to not allow the stress of certain situations to affect them.

I have never been a believer in "killing them with kindness" because that seems to enable their behavior. My intolerance is probably due to unhappiness about my own life. So how do I allow these annoyances to roll off my back and bite my tongue? -- CAN'T TOLERATE FOOLS IN DES MOINES

DEAR CAN'T TOLERATE FOOLS: One way to do that would be to remind yourself that the more you take your unhappiness out on those around you, the more you will isolate yourself. When you are tired or stressed, and before shooting off your mouth, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful? And if what you were about to say is not all three, bite your tongue, zip your lip, or walk away until you get a grip.

DEAR ABBY: We're a military family and have moved often since my husband and I married. In the past, relocating was always easy because our two sons were younger, but we have lived in the same community for more than five years now. Our older son is 14 and a freshman in high school.

My husband has reached a point in his career where he can either retire from the military or re-enlist to finish out his 30 years. Either way, it will probably require another move. Our 11-year-old son is a free spirit who seems to adjust wherever we are. The problem is, our teenager is begging us not to move because of the friends he has in school.

I'm torn. I understand my son's reasons, and people who had to move as teens agree it's difficult when they're in high school. We live in a very small town, and I'm sure the move will take us to a larger area. I know my son will see he'll have more to do and will make a lot more friends. But he doesn't want to leave and is becoming very emotional about it.

My husband is willing to leave without us, get settled and let our son finish high school here. I don't want to separate the family. Can you help us? -- NOT "AT EASE" IN GEORGIA

DEAR NOT AT EASE: Do not separate your family. If this were your son's last year of high school, I might feel differently. However, there is still plenty of time for him to make new friends at a new high school. Because he doesn't want to lose his old ones, he can stay in touch with them electronically.

What your son is experiencing is one of the realities of military life, and it may teach him to become more adept at social relationships. So think positive and do not let his fear of change hold you back.

DEAR ABBY: I have a pet peeve and it's an aggravation I encounter frequently. For some reason, people do not understand hours of business. Our hours are always clearly posted, so please don't knock on the door before the business is open.

My personal irritant has to do with closing time. When the sign says we close at 9 p.m., it means the doors lock at that time. It does not mean that if you can slide in the door 30 seconds before closing that we must stay and serve your needs for however long you are present.

If you can't complete your business at or before closing time, then come back tomorrow or find a business that stays open later. There are still a lot of duties to be finished after the last customer leaves and before we can go home. -- HAD A LONG DAY, RICHLAND, WASH.

DEAR HAD A LONG DAY: Not only was it a long day, it appears to have been a bad one. If it wasn't, you wouldn't have forgotten that the most important thing in running a business is customer service. This sometimes can mean bending the rules.

If you find this too difficult, you can always refuse to open your door early and "remind" anyone who enters just before closing that you lock your door promptly at the posted hour for the reason you stated. Individuals who want more personalized service are, indeed, free to shop at stores with more flexible hours. (And they will.)

DEAR ABBY: When I was 12, my family moved to New Jersey. It was a difficult time in my life. Lucky for me, I made a best friend across the street, "Janie." We spent all our time together. I loved being at her house because it was a happy one, unlike my own home. (My mom was erratic and unhappy, and it affected our whole family.)

A year later, Janie learned her family would be moving to Ohio. I was devastated. The day the moving truck came, Janie and I were inseparable. The driver was a young man in his 20s named Randy.

When Janie and her family left in their car, I sat on the curb outside my house sobbing. When the loading crew finished, Randy started the truck, then turned off the engine. He got out and came and sat beside me on the curb and told me how someday my pain would lessen.

He said I was a special person, and shared a little about his own family who was far away. Then he took a ring off his finger and said he wanted me to have it. It was a Marines ring his grandfather had given to him. He insisted I take it, gave me a hug and drove off.

When I went into my house and my mother saw the ring, she said, "What did you do to get that?" It made me feel dirty and I didn't understand why. So I sent the ring to Janie and asked her to please return it to Randy, which she did.

In the years that have followed, that man's generosity and compassion have stayed with me. It helped me to believe in myself when things in my family seemed dark. Since then, when I have seen people who were hurting, I have tried to do what Randy did -- make them feel better.

Sadly, I have never known how to find him to thank him. Randy: Wherever you are, please know how much of a difference your kindness made in my life. -- STILL GRATEFUL IN TEXAS

DEAR STILL GRATEFUL: You are living proof that what goes around comes around. One simple act of kindness made an impact on your life, but you have multiplied it many times over by continuing to pass it on.

DEAR ABBY: When setting someone up for a date, do you think it is important to share the person's race? My friends and I have no problem with interracial relationships, but other people, unfortunately, sometimes do. I would hate to put someone in a situation where a date rejected him/her or is rude because of race.

Our friend "Jena" set up a girlfriend, "Joan," who is Chinese, on a date with a white man. Joan knew what the man looked like and was fine with it, but when Jena showed the man a picture of Joan (who is gorgeous), he made an excuse and backed out. We hate to think what he may have said to Joan if he'd gone into the date "blind."

What do you think, Abby? We dislike prejudice, but we want to avoid hurting anyone in the future. -- COLORBLIND IN MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA

DEAR COLORBLIND: When arranging a blind date, the usual practice is to give each party as much information about the other as possible. Because it's part of the "package" you're offering, race should be mentioned to prevent any surprises.

However, you may have drawn the wrong conclusion about the man in this case. Has it occurred to you that he may have backed out because Joan is so gorgeous that he was intimidated? Many beautiful women have complained about having this problem.