DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my early 20s and in my first serious relationship. I adore "Paul." We have a wonderful, respectful relationship. One day I hope we'll be married.

I feel strongly that we should not live together before we are married. He disagrees. He feels couples need to know each other's habits fully before they make a lifelong commitment.

I understand the financial and emotional convenience of sharing a home with your loved one. However, I believe that marriage changes a living dynamic whether you have lived together or not. Conflicts that arise post-marriage can be faced with a greater sense of resolve, knowing that a formal commitment has been made.

Abby, what's your take on this? Should couples live together before marriage? I don't want to be stubborn and say I'll never live with anyone before getting married, because I know it's a very common thing to do. What can I say to Paul and friends who disagree with me to defend my "old-fashioned" logic? -- TRADITIONALIST IN CHICAGO

DEAR TRADITIONALIST: I don't think you should argue with them on the subject at all. Just say that although many couples live together today without marriage, you aren't comfortable with it. You are not the only person who feels this way. Many people with strong religious convictions feel the way you do about it. In my opinion, this is something that couples should work out between themselves.

DEAR ABBY: My next-door neighbor "Rod" and I work at the same place, about 10 miles from our homes. He has a medical condition that prevents him from driving. Until recently, he took the bus, but that route was stopped, so he now relies on his wife for transportation every day. She works and also takes care of their three kids.

Last summer, I drove Rod for a while, but he was a terrible carpool companion. He was perpetually late, and I'd have to wait for him in the morning and after work. He would brag nonstop about how good he is at his job, and then want to stand around in our driveway chatting instead of just going inside.

He never offered to pay for gas or compensate me in any way, and seemed unable to find other arrangements when I had to work late or run errands after work, which made me feel trapped in his schedule. I finally got tired of the hassle and made an excuse to stop driving him.

There is no real reason I can't take him now except that he was such a pain in the you-know-what that I don't want to. But I feel guilty when I see his wife loading up all their kids to make the drive.

What's the right thing to do? We may be neighbors for a very long time. -- KIND COMMUTER IN MADISON, WIS.

DEAR KIND COMMUTER: I recognize your generosity in extending yourself to your co-worker, who apparently never learned the basics of carpool etiquette. Because you got nothing positive out of driving him, I do not recommend you start again. However, if you would like to do his wife a favor, see if there are transportation services for people with disabilities in your city, and if there are, give that information to her.

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and I have an anger problem. Sometimes when my friends, roommates or my boyfriend do something that annoys me, I feel so mad that I can't concentrate on anything I have to get done.

I'm having that problem right now because one of my roommates was mean to me tonight. I think I'm owed an apology, but I know I won't be getting one. I can't talk to her. I know if I do I'll just feel worse and we won't get anywhere. I can't even concentrate on writing my paper because I'm so ticked off!

Is it normal to get this mad? How can I control my anger better? Taking a deep breath and counting to 10 just makes me feel angrier. I'd feel better if I punched the wall, but the last time I did that I bruised my fist. Do you have any guidelines? -- CONSUMED BY ANGER IN HERNDON, VA.

DEAR CONSUMED BY ANGER: Anger is a normal emotion. Everybody has experienced it at one time or another. Most people have been trained to suppress anger from early childhood. But it's even more important to learn to express anger in ways that are constructive rather than destructive. Punching a wall falls into the latter category and can result in injury to you and possibly the wall, as you found out.

If it is channeled in the right direction, anger can be a positive emotion. Uncontrolled, or suppressed, it can be extremely harmful and even a killer. The challenge that everyone faces is how not to deny the feeling but to express the anger -- or diffuse it -- in ways that are productive.

In a situation like yours, saying out loud in a controlled manner that something has made you angry can be like releasing steam from a pressure cooker. It's certainly more productive than making a bullying gesture; hitting a wall with your fist implies that the next punch might land on the person who pushed your buttons. In my booklet "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," I offer many suggestions that can help you manage your emotions in a more constructive way. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Please understand how important it is that you learn to manage and channel your emotions more constructively than you currently do.

Step one in managing your anger is to recognize that the emotion is building before you lose control or become so angry that you can't concentrate on what is most important right now -- and that is your academic studies. I know that if you learn to manage and control your anger, you will benefit greatly as you move forward in life. I have faith in you!

DEAR ABBY: If a couple has been dating for a long time and are sexually active, do you think he has a right to have sex with her while she's sleeping? My sister and I disagree about this. I feel it's abuse. My sister isn't quite sure what to think. -- CATHY IN KINGSTON, N.Y.

DEAR CATHY: If someone has sex with you without your consent, it isn't abuse. It is rape.

P.S. If the boyfriend in question is so inept at lovemaking that his partner snores right through it, then it seems to me that only the boyfriend is sexually "active."

DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Still Grieving in Arkansas" (Nov. 20), who was upset that he didn't get a response to a note he sent to his wife's treating physician after her death.

As an RN, my mom had a tendency to become very close to patients who required long-term care in the hospital. It seemed that she never had any "emotional detachment" from her patients, but instead formed an "emotional attachment."

I recall many times during the convalescence or death of these patients, Mom would come home from work and go to bed and cry from her own bereavement. As her son, I grieved, too, because it hurt me to see Mom hurting. As a young child, my father, siblings and I could have done without these periods of unnecessary emotional pain.

Therefore, Dear Abby, I think you were right to say, "Please forgive them" when doctors and nurses don't exhibit public remorse during times of grief. -- RN'S SON IN GEORGIA

DEAR RN'S SON: Thank you for describing your mother's response to a patient's passing and how it affected the family. However, I also heard from many health care providers who said that it is their duty to acknowledge the passing of one of their patients, and it should be considered part of the healing process for both the patient's family and the health care provider. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a hematologist-oncologist. I try to send a sympathy card to each family after the death of their relative. If I receive a note or a copy of an obituary, I try to call the person to thank them for taking the time to contact me.

After seeing "Grieving's" letter, I took an informal poll of my colleagues and was gratified that many do send notes. I was surprised that some do not extend sympathies. After hearing it, I encouraged them all to do so. It's the least we can do to promote healing among the survivors. -- OHIO ONCOLOGIST

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired medical oncologist. Early in my career, a grieving patient's husband berated me for not contacting the family after his wife died. It was then that I realized that despite my excellent care, the family needed something more -- closure. For 30 years, until I retired, I sent a personal sympathy card and message to each family concerning their loss. Sharing these thoughts also gave me closure. -- DOCTOR JACK IN ARIZONA

DEAR ABBY: Please let "Grieving" know that one reason the health care professionals did not acknowledge his wife's death may have been they were instructed by the hospital/treatment center not to. In this day and age, when doctors are sued for malpractice, these types of sympathy notes can be used in court. -- YVONNE IN AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS

DEAR ABBY: I am at an age when I have lost many family members. Not once has the doctor sent a condolence card or letter to any family member. On the other hand, I have also lost many pets. Each time, the veterinarian sent a card or note, personally signed and often with the signatures of the entire office staff. I do not believe medical doctors care less for their patients than veterinary doctors care for family pets, but that vets have made sending condolences part of their office protocol. Medical doctors might well consider adding that protocol to their practices. -- MARY IN VIRGINIA