DEAR ABBY: My husband and I just got back from visiting my dad and stepmother in another state. We are the only ones in the family who don't live in close proximity, and we get to see him only once a year. Dad is elderly, and I know my time with him is limited.

Apparently, his marriage is in a shambles and they are on the verge of divorce. He comes home only to sleep. The rest of the time he finds places to get away from her and her constant arguments.

The time we were there was tense, unpleasant and, frankly, a waste of time and money. I wasn't able to spend more than five minutes with Daddy without my stepmother trying to pick a fight with him.

My husband and I decided it was best to make excuses and fly home early. Now I don't know how I can see my father without my stepmother. Because he didn't tell me his marriage was on the rocks (I was told by my siblings), I'm not sure how to broach the subject of making alternate arrangements to meet him so we can talk and spend time together without all the drama.

My husband thinks it may cause more problems with his wife, but I don't know how else to avoid being in a war zone. Have you any suggestions or advice? I just want to spend time with him in the time he has left. -- DADDY'S GIRL DOWN SOUTH

DEAR DADDY'S GIRL: Now that you have been in the "war zone," the cat is out of the bag. Because your stepmother was such a distraction you had no quality time with your father, consider staying elsewhere and having him spend time with you away from the house. Alternatively, if he's able to travel, offer to send him a ticket to visit you and your husband for a few days or a week without her. That's cheaper than plane fare for you and your husband to visit him.

Contact your siblings and find out if your father plans to spend the rest of his "limited" time married to your stepmother, because the stress of the hostility in their household could shorten his life. If he plans to divorce her, one of the places where he should seek refuge is his lawyer's office. And because your father hasn't been forthcoming, be sure to ask your siblings to keep you more fully informed about the status of his health and his marriage. As his daughter, you have a right to know.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, "Tara," has a problem with social boundaries. She was home-schooled most of her education and missed out on a social life.

Recently, a male friend of mine quit talking to both of us because of her behavior. When I talked with him about it, he said Tara makes him uncomfortable. She doesn't understand where friendly joking stops and serious flirting starts. She gave him the impression she wanted to start an affair, so he walked away.

Tara has been open and upfront about everything. She doesn't lie. It's like she doesn't know any other way to interact with the opposite sex, and it's spooking me before our wedding. I don't want to have to be my fiancee's constant social monitor.

What can I do to help her with this? Are there social classes for late bloomers? -- FREAKED-OUT FIANCE IN OHIO

DEAR FREAKED-OUT FIANCE: I don't blame you for being "freaked out" because Tara's behavior must have been blatant for your friend to avoid both of you. My advice is to put your wedding on hold until you, a female relative (or two) whom Tara respects and will listen to, or a counselor is able to make her understand the boundaries of socially appropriate behavior. If you proceed as things are, the next letter I receive from you may be from "Freaked-Out Husband."

DEAR ABBY: I am in high school and have always been able to get whatever guy I wanted. My reputation at school is sort of "loose and easy."

I haven't had sex in eight months because I met a sweet, amazing guy who I want to marry. He's a virgin, and I think he thinks I'm one, too. He doesn't go to my school, so he doesn't know about my old reputation.

Should I let him keep thinking I'm still innocent? I feel like a worthless used rag. When I'm with him, I am worth something -- I'm the whole world to him. I want it to stay like that. But I know that by not telling him, I'm lying. He doesn't deserve that -- and I feel I don't deserve him. Please help. -- NEW "ME" IN ARIZONA

DEAR NEW YOU: Before I answer your question, there are some things I would like you to understand. First, you are "worth something" whether you are with this boy or not. It is dangerous to judge yourself through the eyes of another person. It is far more important that you can look at yourself in a mirror and know you are a good person because you try every day to do what is moral and right. Practice that, and no one will ever again make you feel like a used rag.

You are still in high school, and that's early to be thinking about marriage. I'm advising you to tell this boy the truth because if you don't, there is a good chance that eventually he will hear it from someone else. If he drops you because of it, it will not be because you don't deserve him, but because he doesn't deserve you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm wondering if you can help me. I have been friendly with couples, and when an argument arises I have been caught in the middle. Sometimes I have felt forced to take sides. Then what happened was, they wound up mending fences and repeating to the other what I said during their split. It has put me in an awkward position when we're together. How should I handle this in the future? -- TORN IN DALLAS

DEAR TORN: In the future, when your friends have a spat with a spouse or significant other and start to dump on you, politely decline to listen. Say, "If you have a complaint about ( ), you should work it out with him/her because I'm not comfortable hearing this." Either that, or do a lot of listening and comment, "Oh, that must be painful." Period. That way you're saying nothing you won't later regret.

The exception would be if you were told about an abusive relationship, in which case you should recommend a domestic-violence hotline.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 30 years is easily startled. If I enter a room without a warning, he reacts as though he is in danger. He yells, "Don't do that, or you'll give me a heart attack!"

Since our retirements, this has become an issue. I don't understand his reaction -- he wasn't in the military, didn't have a dangerous job and hasn't been in a disaster. I feel like an intruder in my own home. He doesn't think he has a problem. Your thoughts? -- WIFE OF A JUMPY HUBBY

DEAR WIFE: Has your husband always been this way, or is this new behavior? If it's new behavior, it should be discussed with his doctor. He may suffer from a hearing loss or some other problem. And because he finds being "surprised" upsetting, try to accommodate him and not take it personally.

DEAR ABBY: I used to be close friends with "Colette." We were so close that I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my April wedding.

Over the last several years of our friendship, Colette became selfish and domineering. It didn't bother me so much before, because I felt her positive qualities outweighed the negative. However, after several recent incidents, I finally told her I was upset. She offered a cop-out response, and we have not communicated since then. That was a month ago.

How do I let her know that I want to withdraw my request for her to be a bridesmaid? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but my wedding will be a small, private affair, and her presence would be painful and disruptive to me and another bridesmaid who recently had a similar experience with her.

Colette may not be burning with desire to come anyway, given our falling out, and hasn't yet incurred any of the expenses or spent any of the time and effort associated with being a bridesmaid. I don't want to act unkindly, even though I don't plan on rekindling the friendship. -- NEEDS PERSPECTIVE IN KANSAS

DEAR NEEDS: Tell Colette politely that your plans have changed and that you have decided to "scale back" the wedding; therefore your wedding party will be smaller and you won't need her after all. It's euphemistic enough that it could be taken to mean that finances have dictated your decision, which would be face-saving for her.

If she feels as you suspect she does, she may be relieved to be let off the hook. And if not, well -- you don't plan on continuing your friendship with her in any case. Do not make the conversation anything but polite and brief.

DEAR ABBY: My mother had to be placed in a nursing home a year and a half ago. It has been a difficult time in our lives. She had two small, adorable dogs that kept her company for many years. I have kept them at her home and provide daily care and love to them.

I tried to find them a loving home, to no avail. I can't bring them to my home because I'm allergic to dogs. They're accustomed to being indoors, and the elderly one can't stand the extreme heat in our area.

My problem is my brother. He knows I need a good home for Mom's dogs, but he went out and bought another dog for his family. I was hurt and angry when he told me, but tried not to show it. I'm bitter about it because Mom's pets still need a home.

I'm finding it hard to speak to my brother now. I have never had a mean bone in my body or felt this way before, but I don't understand how he could do this. Am I wrong to feel this way? I respect your opinion, so could you advise me? -- DOGGONE IT!

DEAR DOGGONE IT!: Your feelings are understandable. However, before you let them degenerate into lasting antipathy, have a frank talk with your brother. Tell him your feelings and find out why he didn't volunteer to take in your mother's dogs. There is nothing to be gained by stewing in silence, and he may have had a reason.

You might have better luck finding a home for your mother's dogs if you contact no-kill shelters and rescue groups in your area. The dogs might be ideal companions for another senior if they are loving and housebroken. Most shelters offer a "senior for senior" discount where qualified senior citizens can adopt a senior companion animal, usually seven years old or older, with all fees waived.