DEAR ABBY: I used to be close friends with "Colette." We were so close that I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my April wedding.

Over the last several years of our friendship, Colette became selfish and domineering. It didn't bother me so much before, because I felt her positive qualities outweighed the negative. However, after several recent incidents, I finally told her I was upset. She offered a cop-out response, and we have not communicated since then. That was a month ago.

How do I let her know that I want to withdraw my request for her to be a bridesmaid? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but my wedding will be a small, private affair, and her presence would be painful and disruptive to me and another bridesmaid who recently had a similar experience with her.

Colette may not be burning with desire to come anyway, given our falling out, and hasn't yet incurred any of the expenses or spent any of the time and effort associated with being a bridesmaid. I don't want to act unkindly, even though I don't plan on rekindling the friendship. -- NEEDS PERSPECTIVE IN KANSAS

DEAR NEEDS: Tell Colette politely that your plans have changed and that you have decided to "scale back" the wedding; therefore your wedding party will be smaller and you won't need her after all. It's euphemistic enough that it could be taken to mean that finances have dictated your decision, which would be face-saving for her.

If she feels as you suspect she does, she may be relieved to be let off the hook. And if not, well -- you don't plan on continuing your friendship with her in any case. Do not make the conversation anything but polite and brief.

DEAR ABBY: My mother had to be placed in a nursing home a year and a half ago. It has been a difficult time in our lives. She had two small, adorable dogs that kept her company for many years. I have kept them at her home and provide daily care and love to them.

I tried to find them a loving home, to no avail. I can't bring them to my home because I'm allergic to dogs. They're accustomed to being indoors, and the elderly one can't stand the extreme heat in our area.

My problem is my brother. He knows I need a good home for Mom's dogs, but he went out and bought another dog for his family. I was hurt and angry when he told me, but tried not to show it. I'm bitter about it because Mom's pets still need a home.

I'm finding it hard to speak to my brother now. I have never had a mean bone in my body or felt this way before, but I don't understand how he could do this. Am I wrong to feel this way? I respect your opinion, so could you advise me? -- DOGGONE IT!

DEAR DOGGONE IT!: Your feelings are understandable. However, before you let them degenerate into lasting antipathy, have a frank talk with your brother. Tell him your feelings and find out why he didn't volunteer to take in your mother's dogs. There is nothing to be gained by stewing in silence, and he may have had a reason.

You might have better luck finding a home for your mother's dogs if you contact no-kill shelters and rescue groups in your area. The dogs might be ideal companions for another senior if they are loving and housebroken. Most shelters offer a "senior for senior" discount where qualified senior citizens can adopt a senior companion animal, usually seven years old or older, with all fees waived.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Had It in Hartford" (Oct. 6), who has been unhappily married to her husband for 20 years. She said she married him for all the wrong reasons and "has never loved him the way a woman should love a man."

After I had been married for seven years, I went to my pastor concerned that the grass on the other side was looking greener than mine. As we spoke, I began to realize the extent of the investment I had put into my marriage and that I didn't want to start over again on a new one.

My mom always told me, "Marriage is not easy. You will always have to work on it. There will be times when you won't feel that you like him or love him." I have been married for 36 years now. Do I notice handsome men, or appreciate a man who treats me kindly? Of course. I'm not blind or dead.

Love isn't just a feeling, but a choice and a commitment. I'm committed to my husband not because I'm "supposed" to be, but because I choose to be. It seems to me that "Had It" never made that choice or worked toward it, but expected it to just happen eventually.

She has a foundation of trust and friendship that helps a marriage through the rough times. Many marriages that end in divorce rely on sexual attraction and passion to carry them instead of friendship.

We're told that marriage is 50-50. That's not true. It's 100-100. I'm responsible for my 100 percent, and my spouse is responsible for his.

"Had It" should take another look at what she's about to lose and tally up the costs to her family. Is she really trapped? Or has she just been unwilling to choose to love? -- BARBARA IN MOUNT VERNON, WASH.

DEAR BARBARA: Thank you for writing. I advised "Had It" to think long and hard before leaving her husband, but that if she truly cannot love him the way he deserves, she should move on. My readers' comments:

DEAR ABBY: "Had It" doesn't feel love toward her husband because she spends her time and energy ruminating about a "mistake" she thinks she made 20 years ago. She says he is doing everything right and they get along fine. If she tried something positive, like reminding herself about the qualities she likes about him, and doing things she knows make him happy instead of fantasizing about other men, she might find the love she craves in her marriage.

Loving feelings come from loving behavior, not the other way around. The sooner she realizes this, the sooner she'll see that what she really wants is right there at home with her family. And it has been there all along. -- DR. PEGGY B.

DEAR ABBY: I have this message for "Had It": I felt like you and acted on my feelings. Don't do it! Wait until your kids are older. As much as you want a more intimate relationship, you cannot begin to imagine the impact straying will have on your kids.

I deeply regret what I did and I wish someone would have told me what I'm telling you. Pull yourself together. Think about your children, extended family and friends. You are connected to others through your husband, and once you pull your marriage apart, everything else falls away, too. -- REGRETTING IT IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: "Had It" is probably suffering from a case of the seven-year itch. For some reason, people cycle in seven-year increments. Some of them change jobs or homes, others have affairs or change spouses. She should work through it with a counselor.

There is a lot to be said for being married to your best friend. A wise therapist advised me to compliment my husband at least once a day. ("If you act happy, pretty soon it won't be an act.") This was after my first bout with the "itch" and it has been working ever since, 29 years! -- LOVING AND LAUGHING WITH MY BEST FRIEND

DEAR ABBY: My husband is now involved in his third computer affair. He's a teacher, and his first one was with a student. He was almost fired over it. He apologized to me and to his supervisor, said it was an "error in judgment" and promised it would never happen again.

Last week I found an email he had sent to another former student, and the things he said to her were disgusting. The current one is a student, too.

I have a nice home and my husband is good to me except for his wandering eye. He gives me anything I want and takes me with him whenever he travels. But he is a Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to a computer and young girls -- all younger than his daughter, I might add.

I know if this gets back to his boss he'll be fired. He's a brilliant man and an excellent teacher. So what do I do? I have considered doing nothing, and if he gets caught let him suffer the consequences. Or, I can confront him and try to get him to see a counselor before he ruins his career, and makes me a laughingstock of the community.

We're financially comfortable and I hate to give it up, but I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, either. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- NOT LAUGHING IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR NOT LAUGHING: Your husband has a serious problem. He is playing Russian roulette with his career -- and it's only a matter of time until he acts inappropriately with the wrong student.

If you love him at all, confront him and insist that he talk to a counselor and learn to strengthen his impulse control. When his activities become public knowledge, as is sure to happen, you won't be the laughingstock of the community, but your husband will be scorned and jobless. If you want to protect your lifestyle as well as your husband's female students, insist he get professional help now.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced "empty nester" who would like to meet a nice man to spend time with. I'm attractive, slim and active.

A year and a half ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. I have excellent medical care and my doctor is optimistic. She told me she has treated many women who have survived 10 years and are still doing fine. I intend to do everything in my power to be one of those women.

I have tried meeting men on the Internet or through groups I belong to. I explain on the first date about my health issues because I don't want anyone to think I'm dishonest. Unfortunately, several men I would have liked to see again told me flat-out that they "can't deal with the cancer thing."

I don't want to spend the rest of my life -- however long it may be -- alone. Should I wait to tell a man about my illness until we've seen each other a few times? Or should I continue as I have, and hope I eventually find someone with enough compassion willing to take the chance? -- HEALTHY NOW IN WISCONSIN

DEAR HEALTHY NOW: Compassion? How about someone intelligent enough to grasp that nobody has a guarantee about how long someone will live -- including him? The appropriate time to discuss your medical history is after you have gotten to know someone well enough that you can talk frankly about it, and the relationship is beyond casual. First dates do not fall into that category.

No man who cares about you would ever walk away. And any man who would isn't worth having, so consider yourself lucky.