DEAR ABBY: While searching for two of my husband's childhood friends, with his knowledge, I believe I may have found a child he doesn't know is his. I'm not positive that the child is his, but the time frame and location indicate that he could be, and there's a strong resemblance to my husband's brother. (I have seen photos on the Internet.)

I am curious whether my hunch is correct, but I'm afraid of asking the questions, not knowing how they would be received. My husband is a kind and caring person, a great husband and father. The child could have been conceived during a casual, one-night stand before we started dating.

I now wish I had never found this information because by not asking, I feel like I'm in denial, and by not saying anything to him, I feel like a terrible person. If the child is his, the mother has kept this from him for more than 10 years.

I'd really appreciate some input. What's the right thing to do? -- WONDERING IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR WONDERING: I see nothing to be gained by withholding this from your spouse. Tell your husband about your research, and what you think you may have turned up. Then ask if he is acquainted with the child's mother. The resemblance could be coincidental, or the child could have been fathered by another family member.

DEAR ABBY: One of my fond memories of my father when I was growing up was that he would always order my mom's meal when we were out for dinner. Of course, she decided what she wanted to eat, but when the waiter came, my dad would always say, "My wife would like the...." Now that I'm older and married, my husband does the same for me.

One couple we dine out with regularly gives me a difficult time about this "tradition." They make comments like, "Oh, Susan's not allowed to speak in a restaurant." The wife has also told me she thinks it's disrespectful to me when my husband orders my food. I have explained that it was a cherished memory of mine and not something forced on me. It's like when a man opens a door for a woman. I can definitely open the door myself, but I appreciate the sweet gesture.

I try to respect opinions that differ from my own, and I don't expect everyone to do as I do. Do you think I'm living in the Stone Age? -- SUSAN IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SUSAN: No, I do not; you appear to be living quite happily in the present. While the tradition you and your husband are observing is "antiquated," you are hurting no one.

Please allow me to make an observation: When couples dine out together socially, they are supposed to relax, entertain each other and have a good time. Giving you "heartburn" regarding who orders your dinner is rude, particularly since this couple has done it more than once and has been given an explanation. From my perspective, you might enjoy your evenings out more if you shared them with this particular couple less often.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship and agreed to split our visits 50-50 between our cities. Initially, it worked great. Unfortunately, his work schedule has changed, and for the past year he has come here to visit me only once every month or so, while I frequently drive for hours to see him.

He says that because he's away from home for work, it's only fair that I travel to see him since it's "less trouble" for me. I understand that he puts in a lot of time with travel for work, but at what point does the ratio become unbalanced and unfair?

I miss weekends in my city with my friends, and it makes me sad that he won't make the effort to see me. What do you think is right in this matter? -- UNCERTAIN IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR UNCERTAIN: "What's right" is the original agreement you had with your boyfriend, or something close to it. Because he is no longer willing to live up to his part in the bargain, consider seeing him less often.

Perhaps if he has a chance to miss you, he will feel impelled to make more of an effort. And if he's not, then you won't have to cut off your social relationships at home -- relationships you may need if this romance doesn't work out the way you would like.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is engaged to a severe alcoholic. I host the annual Christmas dinners and I feel stuck. When he was here last year, he broke a wine glass that held special meaning for my husband and me and generally made a fool of himself.

Should I invite my sister and tell her that her fiance isn't welcome? (They live together.) He has gotten even worse this year. He broke three bones because he was so drunk he fell, and he left rehab three times in one month. I'm a cancer survivor and do not need the stress in my life. -- NERVOUS IN NEW YORK

DEAR NERVOUS: I agree that you shouldn't subject yourself to unnecessary stress. Your health must come first.

If you haven't discussed this with your sister, do it now. A way to include her and her fiance would be to serve no alcohol during your Christmas celebration. However, if that isn't feasible, then tell her that until her fiance is able to stay "dry," you regret that you will be unable to entertain them.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is engaged to a severe alcoholic. I host the annual Christmas dinners and I feel stuck. When he was here last year, he broke a wine glass that held special meaning for my husband and me and generally made a fool of himself.

Should I invite my sister and tell her that her fiance isn't welcome? (They live together.) He has gotten even worse this year. He broke three bones because he was so drunk he fell, and he left rehab three times in one month. I'm a cancer survivor and do not need the stress in my life. -- NERVOUS IN NEW YORK

DEAR NERVOUS: I agree that you shouldn't subject yourself to unnecessary stress. Your health must come first.

If you haven't discussed this with your sister, do it now. A way to include her and her fiance would be to serve no alcohol during your Christmas celebration. However, if that isn't feasible, then tell her that until her fiance is able to stay "dry," you regret that you will be unable to entertain them.

DEAR ABBY: My divorce from "Vince" will be final in a few weeks. We have two sons together and we communicate well. Since our breakup, my parents have continued their relationship with him. They say, "You divorced him, we didn't."

They have confirmed that he will be invited to all holiday events. I am so upset about it that I now want nothing to do with them. Vince has his own family who have unanimously removed me from their lives.

I'm hurt by my parents' actions. Am I wrong? And are my feelings normal? -- LOST MY PARENTS IN THE DIVORCE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LOST: As the father of your children, Vince will always be a part of your life, so my advice is to accept it graciously. Because Vince had a good relationship with your parents, I can understand why they would extend an invitation to the father of their grandchildren. Whether he will choose to accept is the question. His family may have declared you persona non grata because in their eyes you divorced him.

That said, your feelings are your feelings. Rather than say they are "wrong," I would point out that they are unproductive at this point. As you move forward with your emotional life, I predict this will become less of an issue.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old divorced man. I use an online dating service to meet women my age, but I'm extremely frustrated by the lack of courtesy.

Why is it so hard for a woman to simply write, "Thanks, but I'm not interested" after getting a note of inquiry? My photos are recent, I'm polite and I send thoughtful notes that show I have read their profiles carefully and think there's a chance we have something in common. I admit, I'm not the handsomest man, but I hold a master's degree and I am financially stable.

I have sent a dozen notes over the last few months, and not one woman has been polite enough to respond. Any thoughts? -- DATELESS IN DAYTON

DEAR DATELESS: Please don't let the lack of response make you quit putting yourself out there, because eventually you're going to find someone if you keep trying. You are an intelligent man, and I am sure you have much to offer some lucky woman.

However, I would delicately point out to you that by not responding to your notes these women are sending you a message. It is possible that because the "chemistry" is wrong, they do not wish to get into a dialogue.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 17-year-old girl and every time I meet people, they think I am 12. How do I look more my age? Please help me. -- HONEY IN GEORGIA

DEAR HONEY: A way to accomplish it would be to go to a department store and ask at the cosmetics counter about a demonstration makeover to achieve a more sophisticated look. While you're there, I'm sure a clothing salesperson would also be happy to accommodate you in finding items that girls your age are buying. A different hairstyle could also "update" your image if you are wearing it the way you did a few years ago.

P.S. While you may not think it now, later on you will regard your youthful appearance as an asset. Trust me on that!