DEAR ABBY: Twice in recent years my husband has bought a gift for himself for Christmas, wrapped it, put it under the tree and then opened it on Christmas morning, gleefully exclaiming that it was a great gift and just what he wanted.

The first time he did it, he wrote my name on the gift card as the giver. The second time he didn't bother. When I asked him why, he said it was something he saw in the store and wanted. When I asked why he didn't just ask me to get it, he didn't have an answer.

He has also bought cards for himself for Valentine's Day. On both of them he wrote, "To Larry from 'Hon,'" his pet name for me.

I was flabbergasted and upset and asked him why he would do such a thing. He said he ran across the "perfect card" for him while looking for one for me.

I don't know what to make of his behavior, but it is demeaning and I feel angry for days afterward. He has a habit of comparing my gifts with those from his son or those he bought for himself, and it makes me feel as if mine don't measure up. My husband is 77. What's wrong with him? -- PERPLEXED IN FLORIDA

DEAR PERPLEXED: It appears you married someone who likes to buy on impulse and is insensitive to how his words and actions affect others. Look on the bright side: He's solved the problem of what to get the man who has everything for you!

However, because this is a recent change in his behavior, consider reporting it to his doctor.

DEAR ABBY: I have received several invitations to parties recently in which I was asked to do part of the work or participate in some of the expenses.

The one that really took the cake was to a party hosted by my boss. She had decided to celebrate her birthday at her house, and when I and my co-workers RSVP'd, we were asked what type of dish we planned to bring. We also discovered that only invited employees were asked to bring food. Her "real friends" weren't asked to bring anything. Needless to say, all but one employee remembered they had a "conflict."

If someone doesn't have the time or money to host a party, there are plenty of inexpensive foods, disposable tableware, etc., that can be used in a pleasant, cost-effective event without burdening -- financially or otherwise -- invited guests. What matters is getting together to celebrate and socialize and have a good time with friends and family. Abby, your thoughts? -- UNHAPPY "GUEST" IN MISSOURI

DEAR "GUEST": I'm glad you asked. I agree with your sentiments. Your boss should be ashamed of herself for trying to use you and the other employees in the guise of having you as guests at her birthday party. How tacky!

DEAR ABBY: I'm attending a wedding in a few months. The bride has requested that all female guests not wear heels because they're a short couple. I don't have any flats that will go with my dress, so I will have to either buy new shoes or "disappoint" the bride.

I've been hearing stories about wedding guests being told what colors to wear. I think brides (and couples) like this are going too far. What do you think? -- PUT OUT IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

DEAR PUT OUT: I think that if the bridal couple would like to feel a few inches taller on their big day, and buying a new pair of shoes would stretch your budget, you should consider having an old pair of flats dyed to match your dress, or skip the festivities and send your good wishes.

DEAR ABBY: I have been separated for three years and am now going through a divorce. I have started a new relationship, and, for the first time, I know what being in love feels like.

"Mason" is a remarkable man with many great qualities. However, when we go to my friends' parties, they often make comments and belittle him because he didn't graduate from college. Mason is a security guard. It doesn't bother me, but I feel bad when people ask him why he didn't become a police officer "instead."

My friends are all professionals who married other professionals. They don't realize that they can sometimes be snobs. I don't know how to approach this subject without getting into an awkward confrontation. Mason's feelings were hurt before by a prior girlfriend whose family and friends thought he was a loser because he's a security guard.

I love him and want this to work. Why do I let other people's comments affect me? And how can I approach them about this matter? -- UNHAPPY IN NEW YORK

DEAR UNHAPPY: You may be affected because your friends are unable to see the wonderful qualities in Mason that you do. Please understand that they may feel they are trying to look out for your best interests after what has to be a traumatic disappointment -- the long, depressing slog through your divorce. If your friends persist in making comments to Mason about his job, you should ask them to please stop because they are making both of you uncomfortable.

However, I would be remiss if I didn't caution you: After someone has experienced a divorce, it is not unusual to experience a rush of adrenaline -- a kind of "high" -- during the next relationship. While it seems idyllic, the problem is that it usually doesn't last, which is why rebound relationships often don't work out. This is not to imply that there is anything wrong with Mason, only that you would be wise to take your time before rushing into another marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I want to be at home on Christmas! Am I so bad? Every year, my mother-in-law pushes us to be at her house on Christmas. My husband and I have even discussed this issue with a marriage counselor. Together, we agreed to always be in our home on Christmas Day. I am happy to have my in-laws over, but not bothered if they choose not to come.

My husband talked to his mother, and everything was worked out last year. However, when I told him she was starting up again, he got mad at me! It makes me sad that he is more worried about pacifying his mother than making memories with me.

I want to fix dinner and do special things in my home because I didn't have that when I was a child. Am I so terrible to want that? She had her time. Now I want my time. -- WANTS MY TURN IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR WANTS YOUR TURN: Your husband got mad at you because he has been on the receiving end of heavy pressure from his mother. She's alive and kicking, so in her mind her "time" is not yet over.

While I sympathize with your desire to establish traditions of your own, you will encounter less resistance and resentment if you do it gradually. A way to do that would be to alternate Christmas holidays between your home and your in-laws' -- a suggestion I hope you will take to heart.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school and will be off to college next year. Like my older brother, I will be attending a school 30 minutes from home.

A problem he has, and that I'm worried about, is setting boundaries with our father. Dad works near the college and insists on stopping by to visit my brother at least once a week. If my brother refuses to meet with him, Dad guilt-trips him and gets angry.

I want to experience independence in college. How can I avoid this problem and set visitation boundaries with my father? -- COLLEGE BOUND IN GEORGIA

DEAR COLLEGE BOUND: So many people your age who write to me have no father involved in their lives at all, and you appear to have a little too much. I agree that by the time a student reaches college, it is time for more independence than your father seems willing to give your brother.

If your mother is in the picture, perhaps she could reason with your dad. However, if that's not possible, your brother -- and you -- may have to transfer to other schools to put some distance between you.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and his 4-year-old daughter live with me and my two children. We keep our finances separate. I am self-employed and work mostly from home. I also take care of the household chores.

My problem is that he thinks because I work from home I should take care of his daughter during the day, versus her going to day care. My schedule is very full, and I enjoy being able to work from home without the interruptions of having to play nanny while my children are in school. However, I feel guilty about not helping him out on this.

Am I selfish for not helping him, or am I justified in my feelings? -- DON'T WANT TO BE THE NANNY

DEAR DON'T WANT TO BE THE NANNY: If you need the income from your business, that's where you should be directing your energy. Your job, coupled with the housework, is enough to handle.

Your boyfriend is employed, and he can place the 4-year-old in day care during the hours your children are in school. Depending upon your schedule, including his daughter in whatever activities your children are involved in should not take up too large a chunk of your time.

DEAR ABBY: Charlie and I have been married 14 years. Between 1970 and 1980, he traveled with a big circus. He says those were the best years of his life.

We have taken several cruises together and other nice trips, but he never mentions them. It's always his circus days that he talks about.

I have asked him several times not to bring the subject up so much. He will go a day or two before mentioning the circus again. Is there anything I can say to make him stop? It's driving me crazy. -- BORED UNDER THE BIG TOP

DEAR BORED: I'm sure your husband doesn't mean to belittle the good times you have had together. But his circus adventure ended 30 years ago. What I suspect Charlie is reminiscing about is less the circus than it is his youth.

Try this the next time he mentions the subject: Remind him that you have already heard the story.