DEAR ABBY: Alzheimer's and other dementias are a growing epidemic in America. Frequently, co-workers are the ones who notice a decline in functioning.

Could you please remind your readers to speak up to a family member when they see their co-workers struggling? My 62-year-old husband was recently diagnosed, and I have since learned that his co-workers spotted his troubles long before I did at home. Had I been informed, he could possibly have retired on disability and have Medicare today (which he does not now). Additionally, he would have known to have structured his retirement to include survivorship on his pension, which he did not.

I realize his co-workers were in a difficult spot, so I'm not blaming them, but I'm hoping a few words from you might get the word out to others: Friends, when you notice someone is declining, please speak up. -- DONNA IN VIRGINIA

DEAR DONNA: I'm sorry about your husband's diagnosis. Although there have been warnings that it was coming for years, the Alzheimer's epidemic is here now and millions more families will be touched by this progressive -- and ultimately fatal -- disease unless its course can be altered.

As you have so poignantly stated, there are benefits to the early detection of Alzheimer's, including the opportunity to take advantage of available treatments, leverage resources in the workplace, plan for the future and seek help.

According to the Alzheimer's Association, knowing the warning signs of Alzheimer's and speaking up when you notice them are critical to early detection and receiving the best possible care. While this may be an uncomfortable conversation, if you notice these signs in anyone -- including a colleague -- it is extremely important to share your concerns with the family or with someone in human resources. The person should be evaluated by a physician. A doctor will be able to determine whether the symptoms are caused by Alzheimer's disease or something else.

To learn the 10 Early Signs and Symptoms of Alzheimer's, visit alz.org/10signs or call 1-800-272-3900.

DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, my brother told me his wife had been having an affair. Needless to say, they divorced and I sided with my brother.

A few days ago, I learned that my brother was actually the one who had been having the affair, not my sister-in-law. He and his current wife had a child they claimed was her first husband's, and when they married he "adopted" all of her children from her first marriage.

Because we lived in different states at the time it was easy to believe what I was told. I think that my ex-sister-in-law deserves an apology from us all. At the same time, I want to confront my brother about the lie. We are still not sure if the child, who is now an adult, knows my brother is really her biological father. -- LIED TO IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LIED TO: I don't think it is ever too late to offer an apology where one is needed, so contact your former sister-in-law and tell her that you now know the truth and you are sorry. Because you feel the need to speak your mind to your brother, do so.

However, whether your niece knows that your brother is her biological father is not your business, and you certainly should not be the person to enlighten her if she doesn't know. That news should come from her parents.

DEAR ABBY: When I was an adolescent, my father molested me. It took me 20 years to finally confide this secret to my mother. Afterward it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

That feeling lasted about two minutes. That's how long it took for her to get on the phone and spread the news to everyone she could think of.

This was two years ago and, after repeatedly asking her to stop, she continues to tell. Two days ago, I caught her spilling the beans to an acquaintance she hadn't spoken to in more than a decade. We got into a heated argument, and she told me she will say what she wants, whenever she wants, to whomever she wants.

My feelings are not considered, even though I was the victim in all of this. I feel she tells my story to gain sympathy for herself.

Abby, I'm ready to end my relationship with my mother. How can I make her stop flapping her lips? -- THE GOSSIP'S DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: I suspect you are correct about your mother's motives, and you have my sympathy. Because you can't "make her stop flapping her lips," you will have to accept that she can't be trusted with any confidential information.

As I see it, you have two choices. The first would be to cut her out of your life (for which I wouldn't blame you), and the other is to avoid sharing any personal information with her in the future.

DEAR ABBY: My 21-year-old daughter, "Shannon," has moved back home and has a part-time job. We pay for her health and car insurance. Because her funds are limited, I asked her to make me a list of things she might want for Christmas. The two things she wants are a tattoo and a piercing.

I told her that while I respect her wish to express herself, I do not want to pay for something like that. I said if she wants a tattoo and a piercing, she will have to save her money and get them. She became upset with me and said I should give her what she wants instead of something I prefer.

I know there are things Shannon needs. Am I selfish for not wanting to give her a tattoo or piercing when I'd rather spend my money on something more practical like shoes, clothing or incidentals? -- SENSIBLE MOM IN LONGVIEW, TEXAS

DEAR SENSIBLE MOM: If you are uncomfortable paying for a body modification for your daughter, then don't do it. However, you should take into consideration that Shannon is an adult now and reconsider imposing your values on her.

If she were my daughter, I would give her a check for Christmas along with a note expressing holiday wishes and the thought that you gave her a healthy body, and with it, a nice complexion. It is now hers to do with as she wishes. Then cross your fingers and hope she'll have second thoughts.

DEAR ABBY: One of my neighbors insisted on giving me some handcrafted Christmas decorations that are hideous. I have never been big on decorating the outside of my home for the holidays, but when I do, I have my own that I like much better.

I know she expects me to display her items and will be all bent out of shape when she sees I haven't. Is there a diplomatic way to avoid hurt feelings? -- FLORIDA READER

DEAR READER: Not really. So hang one or two of them in an inconspicuous place when you decorate for the holidays, so they will be "lost" among the items you prefer to display, or refrain from decorating this year.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a friend, "Cara," who lives in another state. It's not a very reciprocal friendship. Cara calls us frequently, but wants to talk only about her problems, which are never-ending. When she visits, she demands our full attention at all times. Frankly, we find her exhausting and would like to cut her out of our lives.

Our worry is that we are some of the few friends Cara has left. She has alienated most of her other friends as well as her parents, sometimes over trivial matters. We know she's depressed and has emotional issues, and we suspect she may have a mental illness. She has been suicidal in the past, but now refuses to see her therapist.

We're worried that if we don't continue serving as her talk therapy -- which we find draining -- Cara might become so depressed she'll hurt herself. How do we extricate ourselves from this relationship while still doing the right thing? -- WORN-OUT BUT WORRIED IN CHICAGO

DEAR WORN-OUT: You and your wife are well-meaning, but neither of you is qualified to be Cara's therapist. Allowing her to monopolize your time and sap your energy may momentarily lessen her pain or anxiety, but it hasn't -- and will not -- give her the tools she needs to fix what's wrong.

You can extricate yourselves by encouraging her to talk to a mental health professional. It doesn't have to be the therapist she no longer wants to see, but it does need to be someone who has the training to help her. You should also shorten the length of the conversations. This is happening to you because you are allowing it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are retired and enjoy going out for a nice dinner occasionally. We go to chain restaurants, hotel restaurants and local dinner establishments. We order lighter meals than we used to, and with the cost of dinners these days we have been finishing our entire meal.

Our problem is that again and again, our server makes a comment about our finished plates. It might be, "You were really hungry, I see!" or, "Wow! You really enjoyed that!" It is uncomfortable to hear these comments about our eating habits and it spoils our enjoyment.

This may be an attempt on their part to be friendly, but we don't like it. How do we let them know this is crossing the boundaries of professional behavior? -- EMBARRASSED IN CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: I hope you realize that for many people this would not be a problem. You needn't be confrontational -- all you need to calmly say is, "When you say that, it makes me uncomfortable, so please don't do it again." No servers want to offend a guest, and they are not mind readers. However, they are all aware that their tips depend on how their service is regarded by customers -- so I'm sure your comment will be taken to heart.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? -- NAME WITHHELD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NAME WITHHELD: Yes, I think so -- and it is usually for different reasons. The same holds true for women. However, for a lasting relationship, people have to choose the one partner who has more of the qualities they think are most important.