DEAR ABBY: When I was in grammar school 50 years ago, I was molested by two boys. I recently learned that they are now both dead.

I wrote to the sister of one of them and told her what her brother had done to me and how I felt about it. I'm glad that he is dead, and I told her so.

She responded, calling my letter sad and bitter for bringing up the matter after so much time has transpired. In the '60s the norm was not to tell anyone for fear of being spanked or beaten or called a liar and living in kid hell. I am a female, and the standard was so different in those days. Please print my letter. -- CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONFUSED: If this was something the sister was unaware of, you shouldn't be surprised that she responded as she did to your bombshell.

I agree that we have become more open about discussing sex and sexual assaults than we were in the '60s. And I hope that somewhere along the way you received counseling to help you deal with the molestation, because talking with a qualified mental health professional about it can be therapeutic. However, if you haven't, please contact RAINN, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. Its toll-free number is 800-656-4673. You can find assistance there, and nothing will shock them.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating the most wonderful man, "Art," for almost four years. He's strong, caring and he treats me like a princess. We have discussed marriage several times, and I suspect he will propose soon. I'm sure that Art is "the one," and I would marry him in a heartbeat. My only worry is that we'll end up like my parents someday.

I know this sounds silly, but while I was growing up, I never saw any signs that my parents really loved each other. Dad always seemed like he was trying too hard to make Mom happy, while she either was indifferent to his affections or dismissed his efforts. They would argue about the smallest things, to the point where I wished they would get divorced so I wouldn't have to hear them disagreeing.

I have mentioned my fears to Art and he has told me not to worry, but I can't help but worry. I love him too much to put him through the same emotional abuse, even accidentally, and I'd never want my kids to grow up thinking their parents didn't love each other. How can I keep the past from repeating? -- UNLIKE MY PARENTS

DEAR UNLIKE: Your mother may have been attempting to control your father by withholding affection and approval as he tried harder and harder to please her, and that's very sad. But you don't have to follow in her footsteps.

Children don't always grow up to emulate their parents. You are an individual, and you are well aware of the unhealthy pattern you observed while growing up. If you and Art are able to discuss your differences and reach a consensus when problems arise, you should be fine.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend "Alex's" mom is the most controlling person I have ever encountered. We only get to see each other on weekends because he lives an hour away from me. When we do see each other, it's for one-third of the day. Alex has to spend the other two-thirds with her. I'm 22 and he is 21.

He is also not allowed to stay with me. Alex has to lie to her about where he's staying in order to be able to spend time with me. His mom has added a feature to his cellphone in order to see where he is 24/7, and would cancel his service if he refused it.

I love my boyfriend unconditionally, but his mom is driving us both crazy and turning our relationship into a trio. We have tried getting her to back off, but it just makes her worse. I am at a loss as to what to do. What do you think we should do? -- EXTREMELY WORRIED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR EXTREMELY WORRIED: Frankly, you should be worried. Your boyfriend is an adult who seems to be firmly under his mother's thumb. He is completely dependent. At 21, Alex's activities should not be monitored, nor should he be spending two-thirds of his day with his mother. If nothing else, he should be looking for a job so he can sever the umbilical cord before it strangles him. You can't fix this. He has to do it.

DEAR ABBY: My former roommate and I took a short trip to Florida. We agreed we would split the hotel costs. I'd reserve the room; she would reimburse me after the trip.

She paid me a month later, and I deposited her check as soon as I could get to my bank, which was three weeks later. When the check went through, she attacked me because she said it drained her account! I apologized, but told her I was upset that she was making it seem like it was my fault.

I think that if someone is low on funds, the person should be more diligent in balancing his or her checkbook. Had I known she had money problems, I would have waited to deposit her check. It has been months, and my once best friend still won't speak to me. Was I wrong? -- AT FAULT? IN KENTUCKY

DEAR AT FAULT?: No, you were not. It was your friend's responsibility to make sure there were enough funds in her account to cover the check she gave you. She may be embarrassed, which is why she doesn't want to talk to you. People who are angry at themselves sometimes blame others. It's a sign of immaturity.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Kristen" for seven months. She is great as far as personality, physical chemistry, similar likes and dislikes, and patience go. She is almost everything I have ever wanted in a girl. However, I have never called her "beautiful," although she has made a couple of "fishing" comments to try to get me to say it. In my eyes, that would be a lie.

Kristen is attractive, but not beautiful. I have always thought that anyone I'm planning on spending the rest of my life with would be "beautiful" to me, and I'd let her know accordingly. I can't discuss this with family or friends because I'm afraid they will think I'm shallow. Your thoughts? -- NOT SHALLOW IN PHOENIX

DEAR NOT SHALLOW: Candidly, I think that in spite of all of her wonderful qualities, Kristen is not "the one" for you. And you are not "the one" for her because what she needs is validation you can't give her. Women need to feel beautiful in the eyes of the men they love, and because you plan to spend your life with someone who is beautiful "to you," you should both move on.

DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to someone I love very much. I am 36 and he is 44. We get along great, but he's in a rush to get married. It will be my first and his second. We got engaged three months ago, and he wants the wedding to be in February. The date he picked is his father's birthday.

My other problem is, he is always pawing at me. He always needs to be touching me or calling me his "beautiful angel." It's good to hear that once in a while, but not five times a day.

I love being with him, but sometimes I need my own space. If I say no, he gets defensive and worried that I'm going to leave him. We spend practically every waking (and non-waking) moment together. I am almost at a breaking point. Help! -- OVERWHELMED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR OVERWHELMED: I hope you realize that the behavior you are describing is not an indication of love, but of extreme insecurity. His need to constantly touch you, his defensiveness if you say you need some space, and his fear that you will leave him won't change if you marry him. I am also concerned about the way your wedding date was chosen, because the decision wasn't arrived at mutually.

Ask yourself this: If he makes what should be joint decisions, and you have no space for yourself because of his insecurity, is this the way you want to spend a lifetime? These could be symptoms of an abuser.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 25, have an associate's degree in health management, completed a CRMA (Certified Residential Medication Aide) course, and I'm now on my way to obtaining my bachelor of science in health management. It sounds like I'm heading toward a great future, right?

My problem is I have zero confidence in myself. I'm scared to death of making mistakes as a CRMA, and equally scared of being successful. Everybody says how "proud" they are of me and that I'm headed toward great things, but I'm not sure I can do this. I am struggling to find self-confidence because if I don't believe in myself, I won't achieve anything. What can I do to put myself out there and take the steps I need to accomplish my goals? -- NEEDS A BOOST IN MAINE

DEAR NEEDS A BOOST: Self-doubt can be an asset if it causes you to strive harder to master the skills you will need in your profession. However, because you are afraid of both failure and success, the surest way to conquer your fears would be to talk about them with a counselor at your school or to a psychologist. What you are dealing with is not as unusual as you may think.

DEAR ABBY: My husband insists that wearing a white T-shirt when out and about is the same as wearing a colored one with a design on it. I think he's wearing underwear as outerwear and is being too casual.

We do not live in a rural community. We are in a suburb of San Diego. Life is relaxed here, but not that relaxed. Do you have an opinion? -- DRESSING UP, NOT DOWN

DEAR DRESSING UP: I do have a thought or two on the subject. If your husband is comfortable this way, leave him alone. Because you are the one concerned with appearances, continue dressing up to create the impression you want and let him dress down and suffer the consequences -- if there are any, which I doubt.