DEAR ABBY: My husband committed suicide 2 1/2 years ago. We had been married for 13 years and had two daughters who are now 15 and 9. The l5-year-old seems to be doing fine. The 9-year-old is not.

But my biggest problem is my live-in boyfriend, "Tim." While I love him and mostly enjoy his company, he appears to dislike my 9-year-old. She needs male attention because her dad was an attentive, wonderful father. I have discussed this with Tim. His response is he has a hard time doing it because she is "totally out of control and crazy."

Abby, she is none of that. She is a child with a lot of energy. I don't know what to do. I know it isn't fair to my daughter, but I'm lonely and miss Tim when he's not there. I'd appreciate any advice you can give me. -- TRYING TO MOVE ON IN OHIO

DEAR TRYING: I am so sorry for your loss. However, parents get only one chance at parenting, which is why it's so important to do it right the first time. What is happening in your household is unfair to your daughter. She should not be forced to live with a man who doesn't like her and can't give her positive reinforcement. That's why, for her sake, it would be better for you and Tim to live apart. If you choose him over your daughter, you will later regret it and could cause her serious emotional problems for decades.

DEAR ABBY: The holidays are right around the corner, and my husband and I have had a difficult couple of years financially. I'm a full-time student; he is the only one bringing in an income while we raise two young boys.

I love the holidays -- except for shopping for others. I hate spending money I don't have looking for that perfect gift for everyone on my list. More often than not, the gift ends up being re-gifted or in the summer garage sale. For the past two years I have asked that if people want to give gifts, to please give them to the kids and leave us adults out of it. My requests have been ignored.

I know for a fact that my extended family is as strapped for cash as I am, but they charge on credit cards. Should I refuse a gift I can't reciprocate or thank them and try not to feel guilty? The name exchange option didn't work. I feel there should be more to the holidays than going into debt for gifts. -- MA HUMBUG IN OREGON

DEAR MA HUMBUG: I agree with you, and so would credit counselors coast to coast. Thank your relatives for their gifts. Reiterate that money is tight, so you will be giving gifts to the youngest family members only. If you feel you must reciprocate in some way, whip up a batch of holiday cookies or fudge brownies, wrap them with a colorful ribbon and make that your holiday gift.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for six years. Before I met him, I was with a woman. I don't want my husband to find out about it because I'm afraid it will turn him on and he'll want to have threesomes. (He enjoys looking at lesbian porn.)

Should I feel this way about telling him? -- WANTS MY PAST IN THE PAST

DEAR WANTS YOUR PAST IN THE PAST: If you think there is a chance that your husband will find out, then the person he should hear it from is you. And if he suggests having a threesome, tell him that you are happy as things are and you prefer to remain monogamous.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for five years. I recently discovered that she made between 10 and 20 porn videos when she was 19. We got married when she was 27. We have four kids from two previous marriages.

I am devastated. When I confronted her about it, she cried harder than I had ever seen. She said she was lost, and it's the biggest regret of her entire life.

I understand how hard it can be to tell someone you have done something like this. I haven't led a perfect life either, and I have my own skeletons and things that I would never mention. But still, I can't get over this. I have never felt pain like this in my entire life and don't know what to do. I love my wife and don't want a divorce, but it haunts my every thought. We have had a great life and I trust her completely. What should I do to get over this? -- DEVASTATED IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR DEVASTATED: A giant step in the right direction would be to accept that you both had a history before you married each other, and you both have done things you aren't proud of. Then make a list of all the good things you have together, and forgive your wife for making some painful mistakes in the past that she was too ashamed to tell you. It certainly beats divorcing a woman you love over something she can't change. If that doesn't work, then you'd be wise to seek marriage counseling.

DEAR ABBY: My wife verbally abuses me constantly. We have an 11-month-old child, which is the only reason I tolerate it. While I try hard not to curse back, once in a while I end up doing so.

I have sought professional help to cope with her behavior, but the suggestions haven't helped much. The situation is becoming unbearable, and I don't see it changing any time soon. What should I do? -- UNBEARABLE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR UNBEARABLE: The suggestions haven't helped because you weren't the person who needed the professional help; your wife does. In a moment when she is calm, tell her that as much as you care about her and your child, you do not intend to spend the rest of your life being her verbal whipping boy, and if she doesn't get help for her anger issues, you will leave. If she refuses, you should follow through and make sure you get equal custody, if not more, because her volatility could be harmful to your child.

DEAR ABBY: We are a pair of senior citizens who are very much in love. We have a lot in common and enjoy our companionship. Marriage is not an option because of pensions, bank accounts and predetermined heirs -- you know the story.

We would like the whole world to know we are committed and devoted to each other. Would it be unusual, at this late stage, to become engaged with no intention of setting a wedding date? -- BLISSFUL IN FLORIDA

DEAR BLISSFUL: Rather than become engaged with no intention of formalizing your union, why not have a commitment ceremony and invite friends and family to celebrate your love for each other with you? Ask a member of the clergy to bless your union. I'm sure one would oblige because it has been done before.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to you in response to "Not on My Watch" (Sept. 19), about the little boy who repeatedly exposes himself to other children. While correcting this behavior to protect the other children is something the parents and other concerned adults in this child's life should be doing, there may be more going on here that needs to be addressed. Children who have been victims of sexual abuse can exhibit overtly sexualized behavior that goes beyond typical curiosity or age-appropriate sexual development.

There are several issues happening with this boy that bother me. The repeated exposure of his private parts to others is the first. While this behavior is not unusual in young children and can be a normal part of sexual curiosity, the compulsive continuation and frequency of his behavior raises red flags. He also mentioned keeping a "secret." This is a common tool used by people who abuse children. The manner in which he interacted with "Not on My Watch's" daughter sounds a lot like an interaction between an adult abuser and a child -- something he may have been mimicking.

Young children who are sexually abused may not have the developmental or verbal capabilities to disclose what is happening. Often it is through behavioral or emotional signs that we discover the abuse.

While it is important to protect the children this boy interacts with, the more appropriate response to this situation would be to calmly explain to him why his behavior is inappropriate, along with a discussion to find out if he has witnessed this behavior in others or if he has "secrets" with anyone.

If he discloses something during the discussion, it should be immediately reported to the local child protective services and/or police. And if his behavior continues, it would be best to seek professional intervention. -- JUDY AT CHILD ADVOCACY CENTER

DEAR JUDY: Your letter echoes the sentiments of the majority of responses I received about 5-year-old "Billy." Thank you for articulating it so clearly. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My wife witnessed a similar scenario last year during a play date. A 4-year-old girl was observed putting her hands down the pants of boys her age. Initially we thought it was normal curiosity; then we suspected she might be a victim. The authorities investigated, and it turned out that her male teenage cousin had been abusing her. -- CONCERNED DAD

DEAR ABBY: I am a psychiatric nurse who works with children who have suffered various types of abuse. This kind of repeated behavior is a big indication that Billy is being sexually abused himself.

The fact that he wants to keep it "secret" indicates that it is a learned behavior. That his parents are "burying their heads in the sand" may indicate that they know about the abuse or are the abusers themselves.

That boy should be taken to see a doctor for a full evaluation, and a call to social services is in order. The call can be anonymous. It is better to be safe than sorry in this case. -- NURSE WHO CARES IN OHIO