DEAR ABBY: As Veterans Day approaches, may I share a few guidelines that can be helpful when interacting with veterans or service members?

1. It is never OK to ask a veteran if he or she has killed someone or to joke about it. If we have, we can't even talk about it with our spouses, much less a stranger.

2. When you thank us for our service or pay for our meal, it is really appreciated. We also appreciate packages and notes.

3. Please don't tell us that wars are a waste of dollars or lives or were fought for oil. What we hear is that, in your opinion, our best friend died for nothing. We know many people disagree with war, but it's better to keep your opinions to yourself.

4. Many of us now have PTSD. If you see us acting anxious or moving away from crowds, turning our backs to the wall or fidgeting, simple kindness or a little distraction will be appreciated. Talk to us about something interesting and give us some breathing room.

5. Please remember that 15 percent of those who serve in the military are women, and some have been in combat. It's better to ask, "Are you a veteran?" rather than, "Was your husband a soldier?"

6. As with any person who has a disability, please do not stare at us. We can be sensitive about our scars or injuries and would prefer not to be asked to relive a difficult experience by being quizzed about what happened. Please also understand that war injuries today are very different than in the past and are often not visible. It is not OK to tell someone they "don't look disabled" or appear to need help.

Those of us with disabilities appreciate light conversation and assistance if we look like we are in need.

It was my pleasure to serve our country. -- AMANDA C., U.S. ARMY DISABLED VETERAN

DEAR AMANDA C.: Thank you for your service. And thank you, too, for your helpful suggestions, which are sure to be appreciated not only by civilians, but also by active and retired members of our military.

Readers, as the war in Afghanistan winds down, many thousands of service members are returning home and entering the job market. Please, if possible, honor their courage, dedication and sacrifice by doing your part and providing them with employment. Considering what they have done for us, it is the least we can do to show our appreciation.

DEAR ABBY: I'm afraid I'm an abusive girlfriend. When I get mad at my boyfriend, I yell at him and call him names. Sometimes I hit him. Even though he really makes me angry, I do love him.

I'm not crazy, but I don't know how to control myself. It's not like I'm threatening to kill him.

I don't want to go to counseling or group classes. I don't really hit him a lot. I yell more. I also have jealousy issues. What can I do? -- PROBLEM GIRLFRIEND

DEAR GIRLFRIEND: Your concern is justified, because you are an abusive girlfriend. While I applaud your growing self-awareness, it is very important that you understand the reasons you are behaving this way so you can stop. While you may not like the idea of counseling or group anger management classes, it would be much better if you went voluntarily rather than one day having them court-mandated.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Rick," is in prison and has been there for two years. He is the father of my 2-year-old son. I got pregnant three months into our relationship.

Ten days after our son was born, Rick had to turn himself in for something that happened prior to my getting pregnant. He was sentenced to five years. He was supposed to serve only two years of it, but another charge caused that to change, and he won't be home for another year and a half.

I'm starting to get confused about our relationship because we barely have one anymore. We never get to see each other or talk.

Every time I have a night out I meet different people, but I feel too guilty to continue with anything. My girlfriends all tell me I need to move on, that I don't deserve this and that I'm the one "in prison." But I really want the perfect family.

What do you think I should do, Abby? Move on and be happy, or sit here playing the waiting game? -- LOST AND CONFUSED

DEAR LOST: I'm glad you asked. Although Rick is the father of your little boy, you are not married to him. Therefore you are not morally obligated to put yourself into suspended animation until he is released from prison.

If you really want the "perfect family," you should do as your friends advise and move on, not because Rick made a mistake that got him into prison, but because there was a second offense that extended his sentence. It suggests a pattern.

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago I was given the news that a close friend had committed suicide. I wish I could say it's the first time I have been in this situation, but I can't. My issue is, I think suicide is more than a little selfish and I am unable to get beyond my anger. How do I support the family and friends of a loved one who has died by suicide when I can't get past the anger? -- OVERCOME IN GLEN BURNIE, MD.

DEAR OVERCOME: I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. While it is normal to feel angry about the suicide, you also need to find some compassion. Individuals who decide to end their lives do so for various reasons -- to stop overwhelming emotional pain, because of mental illness, to punish someone, because of an incurable illness, and sometimes out of impulse.

Whatever your friend's reason was, please do not take it out on the grieving family and friends. They are dealing with enough of their own mixed emotions right now. If you feel you can't control your emotions, stay away until you can.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is in a nursing home for long-term care. The holidays will soon be here. How do I sign the holiday cards? Should I include my husband's name? My son is living with me. Do I include his name, too? -- GETTING READY IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR GETTING READY: It is perfectly acceptable to include all three names on your holiday cards. (Send them out early, because the post office is sure to be especially busy in December.)

DEAR ABBY: I was wondering what families should do with old pictures if someone in their family is transgender. -- ANDY IN OHIO

DEAR ANDY: They should ask their transgendered relative what he or she would like done with the pictures and take their lead from the person's wishes.

DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend who is obsessed with selling "finds" on eBay. I often give her little items that she has mentioned she liked -- or outright asked for. I always thought she wanted to keep them for herself. Recently I saw some of the things I gave her for sale under her eBay account.

I am dismayed that she is taking advantage of my generosity to make a few bucks. No, she is not desperate. And no, I don't feel comfortable saying something unless it's clever and I won't appear to be jealous or petty. -- TRACI IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TRACI: You don't have to say anything clever. What you should do is tell your friend that you were hurt when you saw the items she had requested up for sale on her eBay account. Period. And in the future, be a little less generous about providing stock for her retail venture.

DEAR ABBY: Over the years, I have seen many letters from soon-to-be-brides asking if they should include their husband's sister or other female friend in their bridal party, even if they don't know them. There is a solution.

This summer, I was honored to be the best man at the wedding of a close friend. He had a female friend, "Liz," whom he wanted in the wedding party. Liz didn't know the bride, so instead of having her be a bridesmaid, Liz was a groomswoman. She stood in photos with the groomsmen, and even wore a matching outfit -- a lovely gray dress with a red ribbon to match our gray suits and red ties. -- BEST MAN IN REDMOND, WASH.

DEAR BEST MAN: That is certainly an appropriate solution to something that shouldn't be a problem in the first place. Women have also occasionally served in the capacity of "best man." I'm glad you mentioned it.

DEAR ABBY: I have seen letters in your column referring to not being invited to children's birthday parties and the hurt that follows. It's amazing to me that some adults have also never learned the importance of being sensitive to the feelings of others.

We recently moved into an established neighborhood where a group of adults go on trips, out to dinner, etc. I am old enough to realize that my husband and I will not be invited to everything. But I am not "old enough" not to feel a stab of pain and isolation when group plans are discussed in my presence and we are not invited.

Somewhere along the line, people need to learn not to discuss group activities in front of those who are not included. No one wants to feel left out. -- NEWCOMER TO MINNESOTA

DEAR NEWCOMER: You've said it well. While I don't think the offenders are being deliberately cruel, if people would think before opening their mouths, a lot of hurt feelings could be avoided.

DEAR ABBY: I'm just wondering what you and your readers think about this: If you see your doctor only once a year (or less if you are well), but you have been going to that doctor for five years or so, should that doctor remember you? -- LOUISE IN ARIZONA

DEAR LOUISE: It depends on the volume of patients the doctor has in his (or her) practice. However, before seeing you, the doctor should certainly familiarize himself (or herself) with your file so you are not being seen "cold."