DEAR ABBY: Why must we walk on eggshells around our adult children? I have many friends with the same problem. Only one of them is able to open up and tell her kids how she feels.

You advised if a daughter goes out with a bum, learn to find something good about the bum. I'd like to tell that daughter the guy is a bum, or her kids and her house are a mess. But even if I criticize politely, and say very carefully how I feel, our adult children withhold their children or themselves and there goes the relationship. Is there hope to change this situation? My friends and I would like to know! -- WALKING ON EGGSHELLS

DEAR WALKING: As a parent, your instinct will always be to "parent" your children. But after children become adults, the kind of advice you would like to deliver becomes less welcomed -- and the "kids" no longer have to listen or abide by it. I'm not sure what it is they are doing (or not doing) that you would like to criticize, but if it has something to do with their children, remember that parenting styles have changed with time.

It's regrettable, but many families are no longer close in the way that families were a few decades ago, when the generations needed each other for baby-sitting and other kinds of help. But once the dynamics have been set, the pattern is difficult to change unless all parties are open to it -- and even then it can take professional help.

DEAR ABBY: Our son, an honors student, was accepted to a prestigious Ivy League school. However, the amount of tuition was so exorbitant that the burden on our family would have been financially devastating. Since the day I made the call to turn down the university's offer, my wife, "Jenna," has refused to touch me or respond to me in any way. She talks to me rarely and has refused to make love for more than three years.

I have gone to marriage counseling (she refused to go), sought help from my clergy and repeatedly tried to get my wife to have a relationship. Although I am not a perfect husband, I have tried to make our marriage work. Jenna continues to treat me with contempt and refuses to refer to me in front of our three children by any name except "he."

Do you see any hope for me continuing this relationship? I hate to end this marriage before all of our kids leave home. -- SAD IN SYRACUSE

DEAR SAD: Did you discuss the phone call with your wife before you made it, so you could explore other possible options together or did you call without consulting her? If it's the latter, she had a right to be angry. However, to punish one's spouse for three years seems grossly excessive. And because she won't accept counseling you will have to decide whether to accept the status quo, because you appear to have been physically and emotionally abandoned.

DEAR ABBY: A friend from work has a boyfriend who constantly cheats and lies to her. She cries to me about it, and I can't help but get annoyed because it happens over and over. A week later, she loves him again and forgives him.

She wants me and my boyfriend to go out on a double date. How can I avoid it without hurting her feelings? Should I tell her the truth, that I want nothing to do with that dirtbag, or say I'm "too busy"? -- SHOULDER TO CRY ON IN FLORIDA

DEAR SHOULDER: Don't call her boyfriend a dirtbag or any other names, although they are probably accurate. Just thank her for thinking of it but tell her that as much as you like her, knowing how he has treated her, you wouldn't be able to look him in the eye.

DEAR ABBY: I really need some advice or I'm going to cry my eyes out. I'm a 14-year-old girl and I really like this guy at school. I'm shy, so instead of telling him, I drew a picture of him, wrote on the back that I like him and taped it to his locker so he could see it. I didn't sign it.

He thought it was weird and doesn't know it's me. He already has a girlfriend and she hates what I did. She says she thinks whoever did it is a stalker.

I feel really stupid. I don't know what to do now. I wasn't trying to be creepy. I just wanted him to know how much I love him. Should I tell him it was me? I'm so confused. Please help. -- HOPELESS AND LOVELESS

DEAR H. AND L.: Dry your tears and take advantage of this learning experience. We have all had them. If you are smart -- and I think you are -- you will not reveal that it was you who put the picture on the locker. The boy is already involved with someone and his girlfriend will regard you as an enemy. If and when they break up -- as so many teen romances do -- you can decide then whether to express your feelings. But if you do, please do it in person and not anonymously.

DEAR ABBY: I got married four months ago and we have no wedding rings. However, we do have our names tattooed on each other's ring finger. His is not legible. Even though he got it touched up once, it still looks like a big blur. My tattoo is very clear and noticeable.

All my friends think we need to wear wedding bands or something. Did we do the wrong thing? -- NEWLYWED IN TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR NEWLYWED: When it comes to wedding bands -- and what they symbolize -- there is no "wrong" thing. You and your husband got the tattoos because you wanted something that would last forever, like your union. The most important thing isn't what your friends think; it's how the two of you feel. If you want to wear wedding bands, then buy a couple. But don't do it because someone else thinks you should.

DEAR ABBY: I got married four months ago and we have no wedding rings. However, we do have our names tattooed on each other's ring finger. His is not legible. Even though he got it touched up once, it still looks like a big blur. My tattoo is very clear and noticeable.

All my friends think we need to wear wedding bands or something. Did we do the wrong thing? -- NEWLYWED IN TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR NEWLYWED: When it comes to wedding bands -- and what they symbolize -- there is no "wrong" thing. You and your husband got the tattoos because you wanted something that would last forever, like your union. The most important thing isn't what your friends think; it's how the two of you feel. If you want to wear wedding bands, then buy a couple. But don't do it because someone else thinks you should.

DEAR ABBY: I work 40-plus hours a week and have a 3-year-old and two dogs. My good friend "Kate" has a 6-year-old, 2-year-old twins and a dog.

Her house is dirty. The bathroom is dusty and stained, and in the kitchen, dishes are piled in the sink. Would it be rude to offer her a few hours to clean up some key rooms? If not, how would I go about offering without being too blunt? -- HAVE MOP, WILL TRAVEL

DEAR HAVE: Try this. Say, "Kate, you have your hands full, so why don't I come over one morning this weekend and help with the housework? Then we'll grab some lunch. It'd be fun. What do you say?"

P.S. If you find yourself in the Los Angeles area, give me a call. And don't forget that mop!

DEAR ABBY: Last night at a restaurant, my husband and I were surprised to see a male server wearing a blond wig and full makeup. I was, to say the least, shocked and very glad we hadn't brought the children, ages 11 and 14, with us. How do you explain something like that to an 11-year-old? The 14-year-old would be able to "get it."

What kind of policies are in place for restaurants in cases like this? What if customers are offended? Could I request a different server or just leave? Your comments would be appreciated. -- TAKEN ABACK IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: In California, people have the legal right to dress in a style not typical of their gender without fear of discrimination or retaliation. That right is protected by state law. If customers find it offensive, they can either request a different server or take their business elsewhere. Presumably, the customer would pay for food that had already been prepared.

Because children today grow up quickly and are less sheltered than in past decades, I recommend you explain to your 11-year-old that not all people are alike, and the importance of treating others with respect. It's called reality.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Shane," and I have been together more than a year. My problem lies in child support issues.

I'm a college student and full-time employee at a major company. I make a pretty good living considering my age. Shane is an electrician, and half of every paycheck he earns is going to his child's mother. I understand the money is being given to support the child, but every time we see him, the kid says his mommy is broke.

Because my boyfriend's check is half gone by the time he brings it home, I must pick up the slack regarding the bills. Shane helps out any way he can, but it's never enough, so I have to step in.

I love him, he treats me like a queen and I have yet to have a major problem with him. But it's the money situation. I feel a little guilty for feeling this way. What do I do in this situation? Please help. -- FEELING GUILTY IN COLORADO

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Stop feeling guilty. Your feelings are natural considering that Shane isn't carrying his half of the load he shares with you financially. Talk to him about the way the inequity is making you feel because if you don't, your resentment will only grow. He may need to find a second job so you have to "step in" less often. The alternative is to accept that the present will also be your future.

DEAR ABBY: I have a pet peeve -- people who make a big production out of yawning. It's not enough to just yawn quietly. Noooo, they have to open wide, not cover their mouth and moan loudly. It annoys the heck out of me and I'm not sure it's appropriate to say anything.

People who do this seem to have several yawns in succession and want to make sure everyone notices. Any suggestions other than to grin and bear it? -- SEEKING QUIET IN GEORGIA

DEAR SEEKING QUIET: Yes. If it's happening socially say, "I can see you're getting tired, so maybe it's time to end this visit." If it's happening at work, suggest the person take a break and go outside for some fresh air.