DEAR ABBY: I am a pastor and just received word that a parishioner died yesterday. "Harold" had been hospitalized for a week in another city, and I wasn't notified. A member of his family said, "We didn't know if we should bother you or not." The saddest part is, I was in that city the night before he died, seeing another parishioner. It would have been easy to visit Harold.

Abby, permit me to share three reasons why I want to be "bothered" in the future:

First: The one who is ill is entitled to the care and support of his or her faith community. I have sat at the side of persons who appear nonresponsive, taken their hands and told them who I am. Their hand frequently tightens around mine. When I say familiar prayers, their lips move in concert with mine. Spiritual leaders of other faiths report similar experiences.

Second: My presence may be physically and spiritually helpful to the family and friends of the patient. Many congregations provide networks of contacts for social agencies, additional medical specialists, and even respite care groups within the congregation.

Third: The ill person may have confided his or her wishes regarding maintenance of life, burial and funeral arrangements to his or her spiritual leader. When people come to me to discuss their wishes, I file that information in a secure place. (I also encourage them to share their desires with family and formalize them with an attorney or funeral director.) In at least one instance, the family purchased a burial plot through the funeral home, unaware that one had already been purchased in another cemetery of the person's own choosing.

I urge adult children and others in charge of another's affairs: Please contact the faith community of the dying person -- for the sake of the patient, the faith community and yourself. -- A PASTOR IN WISCONSIN

DEAR PASTOR: Thank you for your informative and caring letter. I hope it will convince readers whose loved ones are having medical problems to notify their faith community leader immediately.

DEAR ABBY: I hope you print this because moviegoers worldwide will appreciate it.

Attention, all parents who bring their babies to the movies -- please don't! I just spent $11 to listen to a baby cry and fuss for two hours. It made it impossible to enjoy "Spider Man." Thank you. -- SILENT MOVIE FAN IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR SILENT: I understand that baby sitters are expensive and not always reliable -- and that parents want to see the latest films, too. However, when a baby starts to fuss, the infant should be taken out of the theater to be fed, changed and/or calmed. To do otherwise is unfair to those who have also spent hard-earned money to enjoy a film without distraction.

P.S. DVDs are just what the doctor ordered for new parents -- not only can they be paused, but they are cheaper, too.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Larry" for a little over a year. During this time he has been in and out of work. Anytime we go anywhere or do anything, he never offers to pay. Even if he has money in his pocket, he'll look the other way when a check arrives. Other times, he insists on "Dutch treat."

Larry says we were raised differently. I say he's cheap. When the holidays come around, I never receive a gift or a card. I am a hardworking woman who is currently holding down two full-time jobs. I don't see why Larry feels he is entitled.

Am I out of line for thinking a man should "treat" a woman? I just don't think Larry is morally correct. -- PAYING DEARLY IN NAPLES, FLA.

DEAR PAYING DEARLY: I agree that you and Larry were raised differently. I also agree that he's cheap. However, the idea that a man should always treat a woman is outdated.

You signed yourself "Paying Dearly." The question is, are you getting what you're paying for -- and is it enough for you? If the answer is no, then scratch Larry.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I were sorting through some old things of mine and came across a wallet containing some pictures of my old high school girlfriend. Normally, I wouldn't think twice about tossing them, but in this case, she was someone I had stayed very close with (platonically) until her untimely death several years ago.

What is the protocol for throwing away things like this, when it's someone you were close to who is now deceased? I'm sure her parents wouldn't want them.

It feels disrespectful to toss them in the trash, but at the same time I don't really feel I need to keep them. My wife doesn't care either way if I keep them or not. -- TO KEEP OR NOT TO KEEP

DEAR TO KEEP OR NOT TO KEEP: Offer the pictures to your former girlfriend's family because they might surprise you and consider them treasures. However, if they're not interested and you can't bring yourself to put them in the trash, put them in the box in which you found them and let your family deal with them after you're gone.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 15. When we met, he was in a band and we did a lot of socializing, drinking, partying, etc.

Over the years and two children later, I enjoy these activities less as the demands of parenting and full-time careers take top priority. My husband frequently makes the comment, "You used to be fun." I find it incredibly hurtful and have told him so, but he continues to repeat it. Sometimes I'm tempted to lash out and say, "Then go find yourself someone who is!" Is there any other way I can address this? -- "PARTY-POOPER" IN NEW YORK

DEAR "PARTY-POOPER": Yes. The next time your husband says, "You used to be fun," rather than become defensive, ask him to explain what he means. What exactly does he miss? The freedom? Not having the responsibilities of a full-time career and two children? The drinking?

If he misses the carefree woman you used to be, find a sitter and schedule some regular adult time together. If it's something more than that, you may need a marriage counselor.

DEAR ABBY: My sister sent me an email asking what I was getting our mom for her birthday because she had very few ideas. I told her I was planning to get Mom a gift card so she could buy a book for her e-reader.

Two days later, my sister emailed me back telling me she liked my idea so much she used it and mailed Mom the same gift card herself. She said it's "no big deal" if we got Mom the same thing.

It's a big deal to me. I think it was rude and inconsiderate. She says I'm being "ridiculous" because "it's only a gift card" and it doesn't matter if Mom got two of them. To me, if you ask what I'm getting someone as a gift, it's rude to run out and buy that item yourself. Who do you agree with? -- LEARNED A LESSON IN LEWISBURG, PA.

DEAR LEARNED A LESSON: I agree with you. But rather than hold a grudge, take the lesson to heart. The next time your sister asks you for gift suggestions for a relative, tell her, "Gee, I haven't decided yet."

DEAR ABBY: I am an 11-year-old boy who lives in San Francisco. I read your column in the San Francisco Chronicle every day. I love your thinking and wish I could be as sensible as you. I just wanted to ask: How old do you think someone should be to read your column? I know your column can be possibly inappropriate, but love reading it anyway. -- T.P. IN S.F.

DEAR T.P.: You are not the only young person who reads my column. (I printed a letter from a 7-year-old earlier this week.) I have been told that my column has been used for many years to start important conversations between people of all ages.

When I was growing up, no literature in our house was off limits -- and any question I asked my parents was given a straight answer. I hope it's the same in your family because if it is, you will grow up to be at least as "sensible" as me.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter has given me permission to resume communication with my grandson, "Justin." She has kept us apart since he was 3. Justin is now 17.

I have been told by the other grandparents that Justin holds no animosity toward me. He knows I have never given up hope that one day we could reunite. Because of my daughter's unpredictable temperament and her use of my grandson as a way to control me, I'm leery and don't trust her to keep the door open between us. I'm afraid she'll slam it shut again.

What steps should I take? Justin turns 18 next year and his mom plans to "move without him, once he's 18." Should I contact him now or wait until he reaches 18? I am tired and all cried out, but I want to do the right thing for my grandson's mental health, given the craziness his mother has created. -- LOVING, LONGING GRANDMA

DEAR GRANDMA: Write your grandson a sweet note and inform him that his mother has given "permission" for you to make contact with him. Ask him to call you, so he can begin getting to know you. Find out what his plans are, and invite him to visit. However, do this slowly -- because you still don't know how much damage your daughter's "unpredictable temperament" has done in the formation of his personality and character. Proceed with your eyes wide open.

Because it appears your daughter wants to abandon her son as soon as she legally is able to, he will need all of the caring and supportive relatives he can find.