DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have thrown a barbecue for all our friends every summer since we were first married. Over the last couple of years, our little party has morphed into a family-friendly event. Our problem is one of our good friends is now the mother of an insufferable 3-year-old boy.

"Fenton's" behavior has been awful for two years. At the last party, he managed to throw our iPod, slam our stereo to the ground, pick up and throw another child and terrorize a gentle dog. He barged in on a nursing mother and refused to leave when asked. We also suspect he was the one who tore our baby gate off its hinges.

The mom is preoccupied with a new baby and deals with the situation by making idle threats. The dad makes jokes about how "it sucks to be a parent" and tells his kid to stop annoying him.

We're pretty sure if Fenton returns for this year's party, many of our other guests won't. We want to remain friends with the mom, so not inviting her isn't an option. Would it be out of line to ask her to leave her husband and the little terror at home? -- SMOKIN' MAD IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SMOKIN' MAD: Which would be worse -- to have the woman miffed or to be driven mad by her undisciplined child and the parents' unwillingness to take control? Because the kid causes stress in addition to property damage, leave them off the guest list this year. If she asks why, point out her son was so disruptive you were afraid your other guests would refuse to attend if he was there. Soften the "blow" by assuring her you'd love to see her and her husband for some adult time.

Fenton appears to be a little boy who feels upstaged by the new baby and may be acting up in a desperate bid for attention. It would be a kindness to suggest this to his parents, who appear to be clueless.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single woman who works two jobs and I am constantly on my feet. Because of this I gravitate toward flat-soled shoes. I can't imagine attempting all of the stairs I must climb each day while tottering on a high pair of heels or practically falling off platforms.

I am friendly with two men (casually dating one of them) and each one has reacted negatively to my shoes. One of them said that I obviously don't want to snag a guy because of my footwear, and the other repeated an old joke that, "A lesbian is a woman in comfortable shoes."

I am a straight female who happens to feel more comfortable in flats. High heels might look nice, but they would cause me discomfort and problems during my long workdays. I have explained this to them, but they give me funny looks.

Do flat-soled shoes make you less of a woman or somehow suspect in terms of being "straight"? Does our society view women in comfortable shoes as being possibly lesbian? I find the idea ridiculous, but two different men have come to the same conclusion. I'm confused about their attitudes and would appreciate your ideas. -- STEPPING OUT IN MISSOURI

DEAR STEPPING OUT: While it may have been said that "clothes make the man" and "a lesbian is a woman in comfortable shoes," neither statement has much bearing on the truth. Women who are on their feet all day -- or night, depending upon their profession -- should not wear shoes with very high heels. Ask any podiatrist.

P.S. I suspect the two men you mentioned have a shoe fetish. Please wear what is comfortable and don't apologize for it.

DEAR ABBY: "Jane," the daughter of a life-long friend, attended my son's wedding with her husband. My son and Jane have known each other since childhood, and always flirted and acted as if they had a crush on each other.

To make a long story short, after seeing each other during the weekend, my son left his wife of only one month and started a long-distance relationship with Jane. Jane continues to live with her husband.

My son and Jane have been open about their relationship with everyone in our families except her father and her husband. Needless to say, those of us who know about this deceptive relationship are sick at heart and skeptical about who Jane's true love is -- her husband or my son.

Jane's sister is being married soon. If Jane is still keeping my son in a closet, I don't want to see her at the upcoming wedding. There's a chance Jane's husband may not be going because there's evidence he might have an idea that his marriage is not healthy.

Should we attend the wedding to support my life-long friend, or stay away to avoid the pain of seeing the woman who has kept my son on a roller-coaster ride for years? -- TO GO OR NOT TO GO?

DEAR T.G. OR NOT T.G.: Let me get this straight. Your son dumped his wife of only one month for a married woman, and you're worried about his pain? Stop involving yourself in this melodrama and let him work this out for himself. If Jane dumps her husband for him, he may have the girl of his childhood dreams. If she doesn't he will learn an important life lesson.

As to whether you should attend Jane's sister's wedding, take a Dramamine and go. It's going to be a thrill ride I wouldn't miss if I could get a ticket.

DEAR ABBY: I am a frequent international traveler with a problem. I always pack food for myself to take onboard. My trips are often 20 hours or longer and involve several planes. I find many people neglect to pack any food and they wind up asking -- or begging -- me to give them some of mine. It's very awkward for me.

On one flight, I overheard a woman tell her son, "Go ask that man for some cookies," and the kid did come over. How do I handle this? There are times I have to spend five or seven hours in an airport after midnight waiting for the next flight, and that food is my reserve. -- NOT STINGY IN FLORIDA

DEAR NOT STINGY: I'm glad you have given me the chance to remind travelers that the food on airplanes isn't what it was years ago -- particularly for passengers flying coach. That's why it's important to plan ahead and bring something onboard -- fruit, candy, a sandwich -- particularly when traveling with children.

Of course it's hard to refuse someone in a situation like the one you described. I suppose you could have told the child, "Didn't your mother warn you not to take food from strangers?" But then you'd have to live with the image of a hungry child sitting two rows back.

Sometimes you do have to "just say no." Explain that you have a long layover and need the emergency provisions for yourself. It may not win you many friends, but then, you are not running for office.

DEAR ABBY: This is my first-ever Dear Abby letter. I am disgusted by the lack of manners shown by cellphone users. I run an antique store in a small tourist town. I cannot tell you how many "insulted and incensed" customers I have asked to please leave my shop because they insisted on talking on their cellphones.

I have also asked people in church to carry on their conversations outside. A man at my daughter's high school graduation got a call and proceeded to talk on and on until I finally asked him to leave. This has happened in restaurants, movies -- even a Broadway play.

It's inconceivable to me that cellphone users are unwilling or unable to understand that their VIP conversations are an intrusion and rude to those who are forced to listen. -- PEEVED IN NANTUCKET, MASS.

DEAR PEEVED: It is difficult to teach consideration for others to people who have none. However, allow me to clue you in to what some communities are doing to curb the intrusion of cellphones: They have posted signs in restaurants, theaters and shops that read, "Cellphone-Free Zone. The owner of this establishment thanks you for not using your cellphone on the premises. If you must make or receive a call, please do so outside." That way, customers are warned in a way that's not confrontational.

DEAR ABBY: What is proper when you're talking with someone and you notice the person has food stuck in his or her teeth? What if the person is part of a group and someone you don't know very well? -- TOOTHFUL IN FLORIDA

DEAR TOOTHFUL: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you were in the other person's place, wouldn't you want to be told?

Even if you know the person only casually, try to ease him or her away from the group and say, "I know we don't know each other very well, but I thought you should know you have something in your teeth. It's happened to me, and I thought you'd like to know, too."

Consider it a charitable act. The person will: First, be embarrassed; second, be grateful.

DEAR ABBY: I am a supervisor in a consulting firm. I have recently been assigned an employee who does not dress appropriately for the workplace. The fashion choices she makes are unprofessional and too casual for our company. She wears no makeup, nor does she consistently care for her hair.

Abby, this young woman meets the public. Her job is to consult with clients and advise them about investing their money. Her appearance has been commented on by clients and colleagues alike and does not lend confidence in her skills and abilities. How do I counsel her without hurting her feelings? -- APPREHENSIVE IN CONSERVATIVE-VILLE

DEAR APPREHENSIVE: Your job as supervisor includes counseling your employees with regard to anything that affects job performance and the image of the company. If the company doesn't have a dress code, it's time to establish one.

Then schedule a private meeting with this employee and discuss what you expect from her. Offer her a few pictures of appropriate business attire and stylish, easily manageable hairstyles. Stress that her appearance is an important part of the image of the company and your clients' perception of her skills and talents.

By emphasizing that the dress code will be of value to her, you'll put yourself in the position of doing her a favor rather than being critical.