DEAR ABBY: I need some advice about my girlfriend "Vivian's" son. "Kirk" is 22 and very immature. I love Vivian with all my heart, and I get upset when Kirk verbally abuses her. I try not to say anything because I feel it's not my place because he's not my son.

Kirk hasn't worked in two years. He walks into his mother's house and takes whatever he wants -- food, toothpaste, rolls of toilet paper, etc. He won't help her around the house, mow the lawn or wash a dirty dish he has used. And he lives rent-free in one of the duplexes his mother bought for additional income.

Vivian is a wonderful woman who is hard-working and self-supporting. She's also tired of her son's lack of motivation and how he takes her for granted.

I know a mother doesn't want to see her child go hungry, but where do you draw the line? -- FED UP IN TEXAS

DEAR FED UP: Vivian should draw the line at the front door. By tolerating her son's disrespectful behavior she is doing him no favors. Unless he actively looks for a job, stops helping himself to her property and does something to repay her generosity (mowing the lawn and washing the dishes he uses would be a good start), she should stop "helping" him. What she's doing is crippling her son, who may be in need of counseling.

DEAR ABBY: Please inform your readers not to invite people to bridal showers if they're not invited to the wedding.

I was invited to a shower and accidentally found out I wasn't being invited to the wedding. At first I was upset, but imagine how mortified I felt when I was told that if some of the invited guests sent back a refusal, then I would be invited to the wedding. I would have preferred to have been told, "I'd love to have you, but we just can't afford to invite all of the lovely people we would like."

I know this isn't the first time you've mentioned something like this in your column, but it amazes me how insensitive people can be. -- SECOND STRING, BRADFORD, MASS.

DEAR SECOND STRING: Being told we are at the top of the "B" list makes us feel really wanted, doesn't it? If people would take just a moment to consider how their words and deeds affect others, what a kinder, gentler world this would be.

P.S. For the record: People who will not be invited to the wedding should not be asked to attend a bridal shower.

DEAR ABBY: My divorced daughter stretched her food budget to "surprise" me with my favorite double cheese pizza with black olive topping. After everyone had eaten, I eyed the leftovers and decided to help out by gorging on the extra slices.

My subsequent gallstone attack did not hurt as much as my oldest granddaughter's query: "Grandpa, why did you force yourself to finish the pizza? Mommy promised us it would be our snack tomorrow."

Gluttonous guests -- and that includes me -- should not assume that "leftovers" are fair game. The hostess may have plans for them. -- S.G. IN LAGUNA WOODS

DEAR S.G.: How true. Wisdom -- and good manners -- dictate that nothing should be taken from the host's kitchen without permission. I have received more than one letter over the years describing a refrigerator raid in which the guest wound up with a sandwich loaded with what turned out to be pet food.

DEAR ABBY: I'm becoming increasingly concerned about my wife, "Traci," and her influence over our 3-year-old son, "Grant." I love having a son, as does Traci, although she always wanted a little girl. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to have another child, and my wife's focus on our son appears to be somewhat skewed.

Over the last few months, Traci has been buying Grant more and more feminine clothing. I'm OK with a pink shirt now and then, but lately it has gotten out of hand. She has been close to dressing Grant in drag. My wife says not to take it so seriously, but it bothers me when people tell us we have a "lovely little girl."

I'm worried that what my wife is doing will have an adverse effect on my son, but at the same time I need to know if I'm overreacting. -- IT'S A BOY!

DEAR IT'S A BOY!: My experts tell me that there is no data that demonstrates what your wife is doing will cause gender confusion in your son. What's important is that you talk to her and express your concerns privately. Your little boy is at an age where he can sense stress in your marriage, and that could cause him problems later on. More important than what clothes he's wearing is decreasing the level of stress on the boy.

DEAR ABBY: I'm dating a man who is genuine, considerate, thoughtful, humble, responsible, committed to his family, and we have great physical chemistry. Unfortunately, there is no intellectual/social "connection."

We have never had an intellectually stimulating conversation, and I'm not sure he's even someone I would have picked to be friends with, although we do share interests in the outdoors and our faith. I feel emotionally secure with him and keep wondering if I'm being overly critical or choosing to stay in a relationship out of fear of not finding someone better in time to start a family. (I'm in my early 30s.) Please advise. -- INDECISIVE IN PLEASANTON, CALIF.

DEAR INDECISIVE: To be frank, no one person has "everything." If intellectual stimulation is the quality that's most important to you, then the man you have been dating isn't the one for you. The fine qualities you listed would weigh heavily in his favor with many women. What you must ask yourself is whether or not you can be with him and find intellectual stimulation elsewhere when you feel you need it.

DEAR ABBY: I have four grown children between the ages of 21 and 25. For years I had a career, supported them financially and put them through college and trade schools.

I remarried last January. My youngest daughter now says my kids are no longer No. 1 in my life and she will no longer speak to me. I told her my husband and all my children will always be No. 1 -- just in a different way.

She's having a baby soon and hasn't included me in her life since January. Mind you, the baby is from a drug cartel man, they both have felonies, and she recently married her high school sweetheart.

I'm torn between getting on with my life or trying to reach out to her with hugs and kisses every now and then via snail mail. She has blocked me on Facebook and changed her cellphone number. Any suggestions? -- TORN IN TUCSON

DEAR TORN: Yes. Get on with your life. On her birthday and at Christmas send cards to let her know you love her and are thinking of her. When she needs you for something, I guarantee she'll contact you. Until then, don't hold your breath.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl who accidentally left my diary on the counter and my mother read it. When she told me, I was disappointed and hurt. To me, a diary is a place I can escape to and feel comfortable just being me. She now knows I struggle with depression and have done things I'm not proud of. I was angry and expected an apology because it was a violation of my privacy.

She claims she had the right to read it because I left it on the counter, and if I didn't want her to see it, I shouldn't have left it there. Regardless of where my diary was, I don't feel she had the right to go through it because it's not hers.

I told her I want an apology and I am willing to rebuild that trust. My mom said there is no reason to rebuild it or to apologize, and she did nothing wrong. Am I wrong for wanting an apology and a better explanation for why she did it? -- DISAPPOINTED DAUGHTER

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Your mother read your diary because it was out in the open and she was curious. Does she owe you an apology? Perhaps. However, if her level of communication with you is so poor that you live under the same roof and she hasn't noticed your struggle with depression -- whether situational or chronic -- and offered to help you find help for it, then what happened may have been a blessing. What you need with her is a closer relationship, not a combative one. Her job as a parent is to help you, and that includes teaching you to make the right choices.

DEAR ABBY: A bridal tea is being held for my niece soon. The invitation says, "Hats and dresses, please." I was also told verbally by the mother of the bride (my sister) that they want everyone attending to wear hats. I told her I'm very uncomfortable wearing a hat, but would put flowers in my hair to "jazz it up" a bit.

Last night, my brother-in-law called asking what I was wearing to the tea. My first reaction was that he was joking -- so I asked if he thought that it was even worth a conversation. He said if I don't wear a dress and hat, to not bother coming. I was so shocked that I said OK and hung up.

I am very sad that I would not be welcomed without the hat -- something so superficial. If appearances are more important than having me there, then I really don't want to attend. I would, however, send a note and gift and also attend the regular shower being planned if invited. I don't want to alienate the family.

How do you think I should handle this? I am lost for words -- although you wouldn't know it by my rambling on. Thanks for your advice. -- RAMBLING AUNTIE

DEAR RAMBLING AUNTIE: Obviously, your sister and her daughter are more concerned with the fantasy of how things will look at this tea than the feelings of those who will attend. People like that are easily offended/alienated and carry grudges.

Because you don't want to cause a rift, buy a cheap hat and go to the tea. While sending a note and gift in lieu of attending is more than what most people would do under the circumstances -- and I don't blame you for considering it -- to keep peace in the family, put in an appearance.

P.S. With relatives like this, you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My husband thinks I'm addicted to your column. What should I do? -- "AB"DICTED TO YOU

DEAR "AB"DICTED: While I wouldn't ordinarily encourage any kind of addiction, I'm making an exception in your case. Continue reading my column and encourage your husband to read occasional letters until he becomes "Ab"-co-dependent. When it comes to enlarging my readership, the more the merrier!