life

Woman Must Stop Dreaming and Face Up to the Facts

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 16th, 2012 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: There is a guy at work I've been attracted to for as long as I have worked here -- six years. I work in the office and he is in the field. We see each other a couple of times a week, if that.

We attended a retirement party for one of the employees recently. He started pursuing me. We ended up getting to know each other and stayed together the rest of the night. We seemed to get along very well.

We took a drive, and he was holding my hand and saying all the things a woman wants to hear. We kissed. When the night came to an end, we sat in his car and hugged and fell asleep together. (He did not push me to do anything more than the kissing, hugging and hand-holding, which I respect.) It seemed like a beautiful dream.

The following week at work he claimed not to remember much of that night, although he seemed to have a smirk on his face when he said it. Abby, anytime I hook up with someone, I tell myself, "Let's see what happens," and I don't pursue it any further, hoping the guy will. (I'm shy when it comes to men.) Then nothing ever happens. I'll be 30 soon and I've been single almost 10 years.

Should I pursue this further, or leave it alone and see what happens as I've always done? -- SMITTEN IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SMITTEN: Whether you pursue it further or leave it alone, nothing is going to happen with this fellow. When he told you he "didn't remember" much about that night, he was conveying the message that you, too, should forget it. So take the hint and thank your lucky stars that the "beautiful dream" wasn't more X-rated than the one you described.

life

Dear Abby for July 16, 2012

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 16th, 2012 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a "friend" who is involved in a charitable organization that provides donated items to people in need via community giveaways.

Over the years we have given various items to this person to use in these giveaways. However, we have noticed that some of the items we have given her are now showing up in her home, and clothing we donated is being worn by her family members.

Abby, we donated because we believed our things were going to those in need. Are we wrong to be upset that they have been kept for her family's use? We are considering no longer giving our donations to her.

She is a wonderful person, and we're hesitant to confront her with our concerns, but we are left feeling our generosity was abused. How should we handle this? -- USED AND ABUSED IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR USED: Unless this "wonderful person" has been paying the organization for your items, what she is doing could be considered theft or fraud and an abuse of your generosity. To prevent it from happening in the future, deliver the items directly to the organization and not to her.

life

Dear Abby for July 16, 2012

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 16th, 2012 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: When is it appropriate to ask a stepparent about a deceased parent's will? I don't want to cause any hard feelings, but I think that at some point I have a right to know about my parent's will. -- CATHY IN GEORGIA

DEAR CATHY: Of course you have the right to know about the contents of your parent's will. I don't know how long your parent has been gone, but if it has been more than a month, contact his or her attorney and inquire.

life

Couple Who Want Kids Wonder if They Can Live Without Them

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 15th, 2012 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Shortly after my wife and I were married, my wife got pregnant. Due to complications with the pregnancy, the baby had to be delivered early through a C-section. Our baby didn't make it. That was four years ago.

After unsuccessfully trying to conceive for almost a year now, my wife decided she wanted to find out why. We learned that there is a problem that was most likely caused by the C-section. Although we are still trying to see what can be done, there is a good chance that things won't be as easy as we expected regarding a pregnancy.

I'm personally in no hurry, but my wife is suffering a great deal as a result of this. I'm trying to ease things for her, telling her that this is not her fault and that we're in this together, and trying to reassure her that she is more important to me than kids.

However, she keeps saying that I'm just saying it, and with time I will change my mind and start to think about having kids. She says this is a basic instinct and it will eventually show up. My question is: Is life without kids unbearable to an extent that we might reach a point we won't be able to continue together? -- CONFUSED HUSBAND IN JORDAN

DEAR CONFUSED HUSBAND: There are many happily childless couples. But before you and your wife reconcile to being one of them, consult an ob/gyn who specializes in infertility. Thanks to advances in medical science, there is more than one way to become parents. If your wife isn't able to carry a pregnancy to term because of her surgery, you may be able to hire a surrogate to do it. The baby would result from your sperm and your wife's egg and be your biological child.

It's possible that your wife is depressed and could benefit from talking with a mental health professional. I hope you both will start doing some research to find out what options are available to you -- including adoption -- if you wish to become parents.

life

Dear Abby for July 15, 2012

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 15th, 2012 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a happily married English lady who came to the United States in 1985. I have a good career working for the same company for more than 20 years. My husband and I have no children. We enjoy travel and twice a year visit my aging parents in England.

My problem is that my guilt for not being there for my parents is growing stronger by the day. I'm an only child and feel that although they are both in relatively good health, they really need me. To move there would be financially impossible for us. Every year for the past 10 years we have spent a total of four weeks with them in England. I call them every three days on the phone, and yet the guilt continues to build.

Is what I'm doing acceptable, or am I a bad daughter for choosing to live my life so far away from them? They know that if anything happened and they needed me, I'd be on the next plane to be with them. -- CONFLICTED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFLICTED: You are not a "bad daughter." You are a caring daughter who has made a success of her life, and who, because she loves her parents, is making herself crazy over choices she made years ago that she can't change. You are doing more for your parents than many people do, so stop flogging yourself. Please!

life

Long Distance Relationship May Become Uncomfortable Up Close

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 14th, 2012 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17 and hopelessly confused. I'm currently in a long-distance relationship with someone I haven't seen in person for several months. At first, I wasn't "into" him, but after we began talking over Skype and emailing, he told me he liked me, so I said I liked him, too -- even though I'm not physically attracted to him. I figured that since he lives so far away and there's no one at my school I could see myself liking, why make him feel bad by telling the truth?

Now he's coming to visit for a few days, and I'm worried that I won't like him. I'm his first girlfriend, and I think his parents are excited to see that he finally found someone. My mom tells me that he's a very nice boy and won't leave me like the rest of my egocentric exes. He's just very immature and socially awkward.

I thought I might eventually fall for him because he's smart, motivated and sweet -- three things I value in a guy. What do I do about this? Is there something wrong with me? -- HOPELESSLY CONFUSED IN SALT LAKE CITY

DEAR CONFUSED: There is nothing "wrong" with you -- you are 17 and not experienced. When the young man said he liked you, you should have told him that you like him for all the qualities you mentioned, but as a friend.

When he comes to visit, if he tries to make the encounter romantic, level with him. If you're not attracted to him, it would be cruel to lead him on. You're both still young and have many dating experiences ahead of you. In the future, please remember that honesty is the best policy.

life

Dear Abby for July 14, 2012

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 14th, 2012 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My recently divorced, beautiful, intelligent daughter, "Glynnis," is an executive with a global firm and has a high net worth. During her divorce she reconnected with a high school friend who moved in with her.

This "friend" is a jobless, obese, coarse man who has been divorced three times. Glynnis uses him as an errand/houseboy, chauffeur, bodyguard, handyman and general flunky. He will do anything she asks of him at any time. One can only assume he thinks he has won the lottery.

This man is an embarrassment of monumental proportions. We live in another state and go to visit them. I am extremely uncomfortable with the bizarre image of a couple they present. At lunch, dinner or out shopping with them, people actually gasp when they realize the two are together.

I cannot relate to him. Conversing with him is hopeless. Of course, it's my daughter's business who she wants in her life. But I'm disgusted with the entire scenario. I don't want to damage my relationship with my daughter. Any suggestions? -- GLYNNIS' DAD

DEAR DAD: Yes. Try harder to find something you have in common with your daughter's companion, and you may start to understand what she sees in him. Right now he's serving a purpose. Having been through a divorce, she may want a man around who can perform all the jobs you listed. Or, she may just want someone she can control. If you're serious about his function as a bodyguard, suggest that if she feels threatened, she should talk to the police, who are trained to handle such matters.

As you said, your daughter is intelligent. It's unlikely she'll remarry anytime soon. So calm down and try to be less judgmental, because unless you manage it, you will drive a wedge between yourself and Glynnis. Or stay home.

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