DEAR ABBY: "Wants to Do the Right Thing" (April 18) asked about using email to thank those who donated to a fundraiser for her son, who has bone cancer. What is wrong with that?

I have been there. One of my twin boys was diagnosed with cancer at age 2. I was grateful for all the help my family and friends gave me, but I did not always have the time or energy to devote to writing thank-you cards.

You really have to have experienced this kind of long-term stress and trauma to understand. It takes all the strength you have to just get through each day without breaking down. For larger donations, I would write a card when I could or print some out on my computer. Sometimes I recruited a friend or family member to handle thank-you notes. People always ask, "What can I do?" Well, assign them this task!

Another way of thanking people was through a blog, like CaringBridge. These free websites were a great way to keep in touch with people and let them know what was going on. I often posted general notes of thanks there, then emailed everyone who contributed with a link to the site. The truth is, it was difficult to accept charity and help from others, and I often found myself overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support. -- TRULY THANKFUL IN NEW YORK

DEAR TRULY THANKFUL: Thank you for your heartfelt letter and helpful suggestions. I reminded "Wants" that writing personal thank-you notes was the proper thing to do, but not all readers agreed. Their comments:

DEAR ABBY: Any spare time that mom has needs to be spent with her family or taking care of herself. They are going through a very difficult time.

I believe that in this day and age, the majority of people would understand and not expect a thank-you note for their donation. So a quick email of thanks would be more than appreciated. Email is more acceptable now, especially among younger people. If this is all she has time for, it's better than no thank-you at all. -- KELLY IN WINCHESTER, VA.

DEAR ABBY: To that mother of the child with cancer: Instead of writing thank-you notes to all the people who help you in the community, please spend that time with your son. Someday, return the favor with some other family's child. Many families in our town cope with childhood cancer. We help each other. It is important that you spend every precious moment with him, not writing cards. We all understand. -- PAYING IT FORWARD IN CLYDE, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: You correctly advised "Wants" that a handwritten, personal note was in order. However, having found myself in this position, I sometimes first send out a quick "blanket" email to all the donors:

"Dear Friends and Family, you are great to contribute to our cause. Please forgive this email reply, but we want you to know right away how much your support means to us. You'll be hearing from us personally as soon as possible."

This acknowledges the generosity immediately, while relieving some stress for the writer at a busy time. -- WISE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Wants" that her son should write some of the letters if he's old enough. The notes should be to people he knows. Folks won't expect a thank-you right away. -- CANCER SURVIVOR IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR ABBY: Handwrite those notes. Make them brief. Following my wife's death two years ago, I handwrote about 400 thank-yous to those who had sent cards and flowers or made donations. It was cathartic for me, and it recognized the efforts of those who contributed. -- DOING THE RIGHT THING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: I have been in an on-again/off-again relationship with a man for 16 years -- more on than off. We have two boys together. He recently moved back in, and things are going well.

We're in our 30s, and I'm ready to be more than girlfriend and boyfriend. I'd like to ask this special man in my life to marry me, but I'm not sure if a woman should ever propose marriage to a man. Should I go ahead and do it, or just be patient and hope that one day he will ask me to take the next big step? -- LONGING FOR MORE IN TEXAS

DEAR LONGING FOR MORE: By all means, ask him to formalize your relationship. After 16 years and two children, you deserve to know where the relationship is going. And when you do, mention that you'd like him to go to the altar willingly -- before the boys are big enough to hog-tie and drag him there to make an "honest woman" of their mother.

DEAR ABBY: I have been a vegetarian and anti-fur advocate for many years, and most of my friends and family know it. I feel strongly that wearing fur and leather is cruel and unnecessary, but I don't lecture anyone who doesn't ask my opinion.

What would be the proper response when someone gives me an item with real animal fur or genuine leather? It has happened before, and while I appreciate that someone has bought me a gift, I'm horrified and heartbroken seeing what's inside the box when I open it, and disappointed knowing that the person has contributed to the unkind and atrocious fur industry. I find it difficult to bring myself to say "thank you" for something I find so morally abhorrent.

What is the appropriate response in this situation? Is it acceptable for me to use this as an opportunity to educate the person on the horrors of fur fashions? -- VEGGIE IN NEW YORK

DEAR VEGGIE: No, it isn't. Good manners dictate that you graciously thank the giver and then, if you wish, give the gift a respectful, private burial or regift it to a carnivore.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband is remarrying. We have always tried to be civil toward each other because of our daughter, who is 16. I try to be the bigger person in dealing with him in order to set a good example for her.

He called her last night after not having called her in several weeks and told her that if she wants to be in his wedding, I (meaning me) should purchase her dress. I thought it was inappropriate for him not only to tell her that, but also to expect me to pay for it.

When I remarried years ago, I never would have dreamed of asking him for money for her attire. My daughter even thinks this is unrealistic.

I usually try to keep things positive when it comes to situations with him, but I don't think I'm giving in on this one. Do you agree? -- EX IN ILLINOIS

DEAR EX: You said you try to keep things positive to set a good example for your daughter. While I agree your ex's demand that you pay for the dress is petty (and cheap), be the bigger person one more time and buy it for her if she wishes to participate rather than argue about it. Then cross your fingers and hope it's his last wedding.

DEAR ABBY: I am a longtime reader. This is the first time I have ever written to you, and I'm hoping you will have an answer for me. I'd like to know the proper way to address a surviving gay spouse in the unfortunate event of a death.

Is a gay man who has lost his husband a widower or a widow (seeing as he lost his husband and not a wife)? Is the title of the survivor dependent on his or her gender or the gender of their partner?

I'm only 29 and I hope I won't have to use this information for many years, but I'd like to know the proper terminology. For the record, I support gay marriage because I believe in true love in all its forms. -- HANNAH IN CARROLLTON, GA.

DEAR HANNAH: Regardless of sexual orientation, if a male loses his spouse, he is a widower, and if a woman loses her spouse, she is a widow. The terms don't change because the union was a same-sex relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder many years ago. I started a combined therapy about a year ago -- individual and a dialectical behavioral therapy group. Everything has been going great, and I have learned a lot about myself. The problem is, I have become very attracted to my therapist and, as a result, I feel it is interfering with my treatment.

Lately, my only interest in going to group or therapy is to see him and be in his presence. I also find myself canceling group if I know he won't be there.

I am confused as to why I am having these feelings. Is it part of my bipolar disorder, or something else? Surely, this would be something I would bring up to my therapist, but unfortunately, I'm embarrassed.

Abby, what do you suggest I do in a situation like this? I feel like putting a hold on therapy for a while because of this, but I know that I still need it. -- NEEDS THERAPY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR NEEDS THERAPY: Please don't use this as an excuse to stop your therapy. Your feelings are very common in psychotherapy. The term for it is "transference." It is the process by which emotions associated with one person -- such as a parent -- unconsciously shift to another. In your case, that's your therapist.

Because you're finding it distracting, it's important that you discuss this privately with your therapist. It won't be the first time he has heard it, I guarantee. I'll bet if you asked in a group session, "How many people here are in love with Dr. So-and-So?" almost every hand in the room would go up.

DEAR ABBY: My husband makes his living doing general construction. We have no employees. We get along fantastic, except for one point of contention.

Over the years we have made investments in tools for his trade. Another family member constantly asks to borrow them for personal projects. My husband willingly lends them out. If he needs that tool for a job, he will go without, reschedule his work or make a special trip to retrieve it.

I say the only way he should lend out his tools is if there is a slim to zero chance at all of his needing it himself, and if he does, then it must be returned immediately.

Also, we are a paycheck-to-paycheck family and this family member is wealthy. These tools are our way of making a living, and we need to be ready for any job at a moment's notice. Please advise. -- TOOLS OF THE TRADE

DEAR T.O.T.T.: Your husband appears to be a very nice person, but providing for his family should come first. His tools are his livelihood, just as those belonging to a barber, beautician, seamstress or doctor would be. Because his relative has the money, he (or she) should inquire about renting the necessary tool from a home improvement store, or search for "tool rentals" in the Yellow Pages or online.