DEAR ABBY: My brother left his wife of nine years and his children for another woman. They now have a baby together. His wife nearly had a nervous breakdown because of it, and his children are understandably upset with the situation.

My question has to do with his new baby. I would like to send my brother a congratulatory card, even though his divorce isn't final. Our mother is furious and refuses to speak to him, let alone congratulate him. Still, I would like to send a card and a gift for the baby. How should I handle this? -- UNDECIDED

DEAR UNDECIDED: Send a card and a gift to the baby. The child should not be punished because of the behavior of the parents. However, considering the circumstances, forgo the congratulatory card to your brother.

DEAR ABBY: My two friends and I will be 12 soon. We would like to try to make our own money so we can get off our parents' backs. There are things like lip gloss and magazines we'd like to buy.

We have considered baby-sitting. But are we old enough? We'd appreciate your input. -- KAYLA IN MISSOURI

DEAR KAYLA: In baby-sitting, it isn't how old a person is but how mature and responsible the prospective sitter is. Some 12- and 13-year-olds are mature enough to handle it; others are not.

However, before deciding how your earnings will be spent, talk to your parents to determine how much they would like you to begin saving. It's never too early to start.

DEAR ABBY: In the 17 years I have been married, my husband has never called me by my name. Nor has he ever used a term of endearment such as "Honey" or "Sweetheart." It's just "Hey ..." or "Ummm ..."

Am I crazy? I was raised to believe you address a person by name, say "thank you" if someone does something nice, and compliment a person if he or she has done well. Can you help me understand why he behaves this way? -- I HAVE A NAME

DEAR I HAVE A NAME: Did your husband treat you this way before you married him? If so, you married an undemonstrative lump of a man who apparently never learned basic manners while growing up. If it started after your wedding -- and after you told him how his behavior makes you feel, he has persisted -- then understand that he is trying to punish you for something.

Now I have a question for you: Why have you tolerated this kind of passive-aggressive behavior for 17 years?

DEAR ABBY: When someone at the office lends you a lint remover, should you return it with the used lint paper still on it -- or tear it off and return it with a fresh one? Please let me know which is appropriate. -- ANGELICA IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR ANGELICA: If the roller was clean when it was given to you, then it should not be returned with lint on it. In other words, when an item is borrowed, it should be returned in the same condition in which it was loaned.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Albert," divorced me three years ago. Afterward, I found out he was with a 28-year-old woman he had met in a bar. After she took him for what little money he had, he came crawling back to me. Like a fool, I stupidly took him back because I still had feelings for him.

Last week, I caught Albert on the Internet inviting a 23-year-old woman to play bingo over the weekend. Then I discovered another email indicating he had actually met her.

I kicked him out, of course. Albert never supported me; I always paid my own way. We were together for 22 years, Abby, and now I wish I had every one of them back. Why do old men search for young women to run around with, and why do young women think all old men have money? -- USED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR USED: Older men like young women because it helps them forget, for a little while, how old they really are. Also, young women tend to be more naive and less judgmental, assuming that gray temples are a sign of wisdom. They also assume that after decades in the workforce an older man has a sizable nest egg.

You are not the only woman who has listened to her heart and made the same mistake twice -- or more. Consider yourself ahead of the game because you are not economically dependent on your husband. Take the lessons you have learned, move on and have a happy life. You deserve it. You'll be fine without this compulsive two-timer. Trust me!

DEAR ABBY: Whatever happened to telephone etiquette?

We are a busy family and receive many calls from business associates and acquaintances. Abby, they feel free to call at any time, for the most trivial reasons! I guess it's a reflection of our open-24-hours-a-day society, but I consider it very rude.

One man, with whom my husband is on a committee, called at 11:30 p.m. When I politely asked him please not to call after 9:30 p.m. in the future, he became indignant!

My daughter's soccer coach made practice-reminder calls at 6 a.m. When we didn't answer, she left a message on our voicemail, but called again at 6:30 and 6:45 "to be sure we got the message"! I was brought up with the 9-to-9 rule -- you shouldn't call anyone you don't know well before 9 a.m. or after 9 p.m.

Also, polite callers identify themselves upfront, as in, "Hi. This is Joe Smith. May I please speak to Jack?" People call for my husband from all over the country. When he's not in, they often demand to know when he'll be back, his work schedule, his travel schedule and his contact information without revealing who they are.

Abby, please remind these people that they are interrupting someone's life with a phone call, and a little courtesy would go a long way. -- BUSY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR BUSY: I think you've done an excellent job of that yourself. Your complaints reflect a general, regrettable decline in good manners and common sense. It's one of the reasons some people turn off their phones at night, or screen their calls with caller ID and voicemail.

Callers should always identify themselves. If they don't, before answering any questions, feel free to say, "May I ask who's calling?" Never reveal your husband's work schedule, travel schedule or contact information to anyone unless you know with whom you are speaking.

DEAR ABBY: I am 39, married, and a professional woman with a good income. My best friend, "Barbie," and I both went to work after high school without completing our education. However, after several years I decided to go to college and get a degree so I could change careers. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. My income has more than doubled.

Barbie is obviously jealous of my new life, which affords me opportunities to travel, take vacations, and have the money to buy things I couldn't afford before. She and her family barely make ends meet. Although we have been like sisters since childhood, I now feel as if I must walk on eggshells around her -- guarding my conversation lest I mention a new purchase or having time off. If something does slip out, Barbie becomes defensive and sarcastic.

Abby, I shouldn't have to apologize for my new lifestyle. I worked hard to make a change for myself. What can I do? I really like her, but this is becoming difficult.

An example: We went shopping last week. She bought only a gift she had to have for a birthday -- nothing for herself. I felt uncomfortable with my purchases, even though they weren't extravagant. She made a comment to the effect that "it must be nice to be able to buy something so frivolous."

I should mention that Barbie's parents are still willing to send her through college or a tech school, even at the age of 39, but she chooses not to make the effort. -- TIRED OF FEELING APOLOGETIC

DEAR TIRED: When your friend commented that it must be nice to be able to buy something frivolous, you had an opening to tell her that before you earned your degree you couldn't either, which was one of the reasons you decided it was time to change your life by returning to school. Your friend is fortunate she has parents who are able (and willing) to pay for her college education. How sad that she lacks the determination and drive to get one.

As things stand, the nature of your friendship with Barbie must change. If the relationship is to continue, you will have to forgo the shopping trips together and any references to your new lifestyle. Otherwise, they will be perceived as bragging, and the comparisons may be painful to her. Be prepared to be sensitive to that, or move on.

DEAR ABBY: I am the owner of a small boutique for women. My only full-time employee is everything an employer could ask for. However, she often comes in looking like she just crawled out of bed and doesn't own an iron.

What can I say to help her become more aware of her appearance? I don't want to hurt her feelings. I jokingly told her to "retire" a pair of slacks she frequently wears because they are too tight and the rear end is shiny. But this week she came in wearing them again -- so evidently, she didn't get the message.

Please help. Thank you. -- ANNE IN MISSOURI

DEAR ANNE: Because your employee didn't take the hint, you must be more direct with her. Explain that you expect her to dress more carefully for work because: 1. Her attire represents the image of the shop, and 2. a salesperson who is sharply dressed inspires customers to shop. Then tell her exactly what you expect from her, and offer to help her coordinate some acceptable outfits -- perhaps by giving her a discount on some items from the store.

If that doesn't work, consider putting together a "uniform" for her to wear when she's working. It's what some of the top designers have done in their stores.