DEAR ABBY: I'm a 42-year-old woman who has been living with my boyfriend, "Matt." He has asked me to marry him, and I said yes. The problem is, Matt is still married.

Matt and his wife have been separated for eight years. I keep telling him to get in touch with her and see if she filed for divorce, but he keeps putting it off.

I really do love this man, Abby. Matt is good to me and to my children and grandchildren, but sometimes I don't know what to think or do. I want us to buy a house, but I'm scared that if we do, she'll try to take it from us. He says she wouldn't. Please give me some advice. -- LADY IN WAITING IN LOUISIANA

DEAR LADY IN WAITING: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but a marriage proposal from a man who is still married means nothing. I urge you to please consult a lawyer before putting money into any joint financial ventures with this man. He may be "good" to you, your children and grandchildren, but he hasn't been completely forthright.

Your concerns are justified. Listen to your woman's intuition. It's sending you an important message.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I adopted a dog from my local Humane Society. "Brandy's" approximate age at the time of adoption was 16 years. I had two wonderful years with Brandy before he died.

What I would like to share with your readers is, when you consider adopting a pet, please don't rule out an animal based strictly on age. Older animals can make excellent additions to a family. They deserve our love and kindness, too. -- MISSING BRANDY IN JUNEAU, ALASKA

DEAR MISSING: I'm sorry that you and Brandy were not able to have more years together, but bless you for sharing your heart and home with a pet that many might have overlooked.

Older animals can provide a great deal of love and joy. They also are usually housebroken -- something to consider for anyone for whom puppyhood and adolescence might prove too destructive.

The local shelter is an excellent place to find a mature companion.

DEAR ABBY: The letters that have appeared in your column about safe driving prompt this one. I hope you will consider my experience worth sharing.

I have poor depth perception. I make adjustments for this problem and check the distance between me and the car in front of me by looking at the distance on the road and not at the car.

I began to notice that the cars coming at me were "fuzzy" and that I had to close one eye to have a clear image of them. Then I realized I was doing the same thing while watching television. I mentioned it to my optometrist, and she checked my eyes and found that I had double vision. The adjustment to my prescription was so slight that you would not notice it, but I can now see clearly with my new glasses. -- CLEARLY FOCUSED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CLEARLY FOCUSED: Your letter was an eye-opener. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to remind readers to have their vision checked every year -- and to report any changes in vision to the doctor immediately.

DEAR ABBY: I agreed to be maid of honor at my best friend's wedding. I am now planning her bridal shower and just received the guest list from her mother and the groom's mother, "Alicia."

Alicia has given me the names of about 30 guests and says there are more people she wants to invite. Abby, the entire list will amount to nearly 70 guests!

I thought showers were supposed to be for close friends and family only. Would it be out of line to suggest to Alicia that if she wants to invite that many people, she should give a separate shower? -- OVERWHELMED IN NEW YORK

DEAR OVERWHELMED: You and the groom's mother are not on the same wavelength. She may be trying to repay social obligations, while you are simply trying to perform your attendant's duties.

Because Alicia is so insensitive, you must tell her firmly the maximum number of guests you can accommodate at the shower. It would not be out of line to suggest that she ask one of her friends to also host one. If she insists on inviting everybody to your shower, ask her to share the expenses with you. (Remember, bridal showers are usually hosted by attendants, friends or relatives of the bride, but not members of her or her fiance's immediate families.)

DEAR ABBY: Please pass along this suggestion to your readers: If you're separated or getting a divorce, use discretion if you're tempted to talk about it.

The more you bad-mouth the person you are divorcing, the more people will reject you. It may not seem fair, but it's true. People will "forget" that you never complained before and say, "I didn't know she was so vindictive. No wonder he left!"

You will do yourself additional damage by ranting to co-workers. You're paid to work, not talk. Your co-workers are paid to work, not listen.

Do not confide your problems to your customers. They will stop doing business with you because they're afraid of being trapped by your pain.

If you must vent your anger and disappointment, do it in a support group. The members will empathize; others haven't a clue and don't care. A support group also can give you practical advice about lawyers, finances and emotional help.

Your pain will linger for months, but the patience of your friends and co-workers will fade. My co-worker managed to bore all of us. She quit therapy to spend the money redecorating her home to "erase him from her life." Not only did she lose all sympathy in that shortsighted, shallow act, she also lost precious time she should have spent healing and becoming strong and independent.

It's strange, Abby. People facing death don't disrupt other people's lives the way those with broken vows do. --TIRED OF LISTENING IN MARYLAND

DEAR TIRED: You make a strong case for keeping separate one's personal and professional lives. Friends and co-workers are important to anyone experiencing the trauma of divorce, but I agree that an outside source -- such as a support group -- can provide practical, impartial advice because the members can empathize without becoming emotionally involved.

Those who act this way may be looking for a sympathetic ear, but they usually wind up with a cold shoulder.

DEAR ABBY: My father absolutely refuses to turn off the ignition when fueling his car, despite the warning signs at the pump. How can I convince him to stop endangering himself and my mother? -- WORRIED DOWN SOUTH

DEAR WORRIED: Motorists are instructed to "Stop Motor" while refueling for good reason. Gasoline is highly flammable. However, it is not actually the liquid that burns. Even at temperatures as low as 45 degrees, gasoline gives off vapor.

It is the vapors that ignite. Gasoline vapor is heavier than air, so when it ignites, it does so at ground level. All it takes to create a violent explosion is fuel vapors, enough oxygen and a source of ignition. A spark from a cigarette, a hot exhaust pipe, faulty wiring, static electricity or the vapor reaching an open flame -- all can cause gasoline vapors to explode.

Please show this item to your father. Perhaps it will convince him to be more safety conscious. If there is an attendant at the gas station your father frequents, frankly, I am shocked that the person hasn't insisted your father turn off the engine.

DEAR ABBY: My husband loves to cook and he's very good at it. Every night when I get home from work, he greets me with a huge meal. Problem is, I feel obligated to eat it even when I'm not the least bit hungry. Every morning, he asks me what I want for dinner. I prefer my main meal at noon and a very light meal -- or none at all -- at the end of the day.

How can I get him to stop cooking for me without hurting his feelings? I know he does it because he loves me, but I feel I am being forced to eat food I really don't want. -- STUFFED IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR STUFFED: I presume you're a new bride, because otherwise you would have already learned how to communicate openly with your husband while still being tactful. Try this:

"Honey, you're killing me with kindness. If I keep eating like this, I'll have to invest in an entire new wardrobe. My metabolism works better if I have my main meal at noon and very little -- if anything -- in the evening, so please help me by not making these large dinners because they're too tempting to resist."

P.S. If cooking is his creative outlet, why not suggest he go all out once a week and invite another couple?

DEAR ABBY: My daughter recently became engaged to a wonderful young man. I have looked forward to planning her wedding for years. She always said she wanted to be married in our hometown, but now she says they want to get married near where he lives, which is four hours from where I live.

I feel she has been persuaded to do this. I'm paying for the wedding and work full-time, and I'm really stressing about planning the dream wedding she wants from far away. Weddings are usually in the bride's hometown for obvious reasons, but I'm concerned her mind was changed by his family for their convenience. What do I do? -- JUST THE BRIDE'S MOM

DEAR JUST: Have a frank talk with your daughter and ask why she changed her mind. Tell her that you have dreamed of planning her wedding for years, but the change of venue is causing stress for you.

Then ask if she would prefer you just give her a check for the amount you can afford, and whether it would be more practical for her to do the planning herself.