DEAR ABBY: I'm an 18-year-old male living on my own in an apartment not far from my parents' home. They visit me often and take turns driving me to the local college because I don't have a car.

My parents tend to worry about me. I'm rather thin, but I eat healthy. My dad goes over the top with his concern about my weight and it is hurtful. He has called me a "cadaver" in front of friends. And when he drops me off after classes, he often says, "Now go eat something fattening!"

I have tried to discuss how his repeated comments affect my self-confidence, but am always met with, "I'm your father. I have every right to be concerned." Am I wrong to take offense at my dad's brand of concern? Is there anything I can do to evade these hurtful comments? -- TWIG WITH FEELINGS

DEAR TWIG: Your father's attempt to "help" you by ridiculing you in front of your contemporaries is insensitive. The fact that he is your father does not entitle him to be cruel.

If there is a student health center at your college, go there and talk to a medical professional about what is a healthy weight for your height and age, and whether any medical tests might be necessary to verify your health. If not, consult your family physician. This may provide the "proof" you need in discussions with your father. Some males fill out later than others.

You should also ask your mother to point out to your dad that what he's doing is counterproductive. Perhaps she can make him see the light. If that doesn't work, arrange other transportation to and from school so you will be less dependent on your father.

DEAR ABBY: A friend and I were talking about how wimpy a lot of guys in our generation are. We're both in our mid-20s and seldom meet guys who take charge.

Several times we have met guys who said they'd call and set up a date. We know they're interested because they have told our friends they'd like to date us again. But then they don't call. Try as we might to give them chances to ask us out, they usually don't.

I know that traditional dating rules are often discarded, but I don't want to be the aggressor. Their being "scared" isn't an acceptable excuse, much less an attractive quality. Why do women so often have to do all the work nowadays or end up alone? -- PREFERS TRADITIONAL

DEAR PREFERS TRADITIONAL: Women do not have to do all the work in a relationship or risk remaining single for life. But they do have to shoulder a lot more of the responsibility than a generation ago as a result of the women's movement. (Yes, I know I'll catch "heck" for saying it.) As women have become more independent and aggressive, the old rules of romance have started to disappear.

Men aren't stupid. Their view is, "If women are willing to do the courting, why should men do it?" The guys you've described aren't wimps; their passivity hasn't turned other women off. Sending you messages through your friends instead of being direct and following through on their promises to call is business as usual for them. While their behavior may seem immature, it has worked for them before.

Don't give up hope. There are men who are interested in old-fashioned romance, but they are fewer in number. Be patient, keep looking and you'll find one.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee said, "Shut up!" during a recent conversation with my mom, using the phrase in the same way people say, "No way!" or, "Get outta here!" to express friendly disbelief.

Mom didn't say anything and gave me no reason to believe she was offended; however, I find talk like that better suited to friends and siblings -- not parents or future in-laws.

As soon as we were alone I asked my fiancee to please not use that expression with my parents. She said she'd try, but warned me that it might be hard to stop herself. A frequent reader of your column, she also said you probably would have told me to let it go. I suggested we find out. Should I have said nothing? -- POSSIBLE PRUDE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR POSSIBLE PRUDE: Your fiancee is mistaken. I would never advise someone to ignore something that could be offensive. You were right to speak up. For people in your parents' generation, "shut up" has a different connotation than with younger people and could be considered offensive. I hope your intended will take your suggestion to heart. However, in case she should slip, explain to your folks that the phrase is used commonly and isn't meant as an insult -- as jarring to them as it may be to hear.

DEAR ABBY: I have had the same group of friends for 20 years. They are an affluent group -- doctors, lawyers, etc. -- and very social. My best friend got wind of the fact that I had gone out with an African-American man. She confronted me, told me we could no longer be friends and then kicked me out of her house. If I call her, she hangs up on me.

We had a loving, longtime friendship. It has been five months now and no one has called. I am sad and shocked. I always thought of her as my best friend, and my other friends who were also dear to me are shunning me as well. What should I do? -- OUTCAST IN THE SOUTH

DEAR OUTCAST: I know this has been painful, but you need to recognize that in spite of their educational and financial advantages, your friends' thinking hasn't changed despite nearly 50 years of improving race relations. You grew; they didn't. For your own sake, you must accept that you and these people are on different paths and will never agree on this. Look elsewhere for companions who think more like you do. Believe me, there are many out there.

DEAR ABBY: With the holidays here and family gathering to celebrate, some will be overnight guests. Although we have had pets here in the past, my wife and I are older now. Our home has been remodeled and we no longer have pets because we don't have time to properly maintain an animal. We also travel frequently and don't want to leave a pet in a kennel.

My point is, if people are guests during one of these gatherings, please check first to see if pets are welcome. I know some relatives may feel their pet is one of the family, but they need to consider it may be a burden for the homeowner.

Thanks for getting my message out, Abby. -- "THE OLD GUY" IN WISCONSIN

DEAR "OLD GUY": Excuse me? What if the family members your message is intended for happen to miss reading my column? Because you want to ensure the message is received, the most effective method to do that would be to speak up and make your wishes known in advance -- especially in a case like this one.

DEAR ABBY: "Saddened in New Jersey" (Oct. 2) complained that her sister's 4-year-old daughter put stickers on the hands and face of her deceased grandmother during her wake. Perhaps the child's mother didn't anticipate her daughter's actions. Children need to grieve, too. That said, they also should behave appropriately.

I saw an article about one funeral home with an excellent solution. Before the dearly departed is placed in the casket, the inside fabric, pillow, etc. are removed. The children are then allowed to decorate the uncovered casket walls with farewell messages and drawings. The interior is then "reupholstered" and nothing is visible. The children are told that it is to keep their messages private.

One story was particularly touching -- a little boy wanted his mommy to know how much he loved her and for it to be as close to her as possible. He wrote "I love you, Mommy" on the casket pillow that was placed beneath her head. At the service, only he knew about the secret message he had left for his mom for all eternity. -- A MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR MOM: Thank you for sharing a clever solution. I felt that the child's placing of stickers on her grandmother's body was disrespectful and the mother was wrong to permit it in spite of the grandfather's expression of disapproval. While I viewed it as a desecration of a corpse, readers felt differently. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: "Saddened" should never have removed the 4-year-old from the casket. It was not her place. The child was giving her grandmother a goodbye gift. If the woman wanted to remove the stickers before the casket was closed, she should have done it after the child left the room.

I have seen many friends and relatives place things in caskets as gifts and remembrances. It is not disrespectful to the deceased, but gives closure and a warm memory to those who are still living.

Putting stickers on Grandma was the child's way of saying goodbye. A funeral is a celebration of life and no matter what their age, people are entitled to say goodbye in their own way. -- MELODY IN NEVADA

DEAR ABBY: If the sticker incident is the worst that can be said about the 4-year-old's behavior that day, what's the harm? Had she thrown a tantrum during the service or before placing the stickers, I'd agree that the child should not have been there. But since the behavior took place after "Saddened" made an issue of the stickers, the situation could have been handled more effectively.

All "Saddened" had to do was wait until the service was over, take the funeral director aside privately and ask him to remove the stickers before the deceased was interred. No drama, no scene, no tantrum, and everybody goes home in peace. Funerals, like any other event, are only as stressful as you want them to be. -- NO DRAMA, PLEASE

DEAR ABBY: I own the West's oldest funeral firm and I disagree with your answer. Funerals are about learning that we are mortal. To stand on ceremony when a young child is participating in one of life's most important lessons misses the point. Memorials are not about formality but humanity. Let the child place those stickers and let everyone learn something from that. -- DAN IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR ABBY: Our grandchildren love stickers, put them all over themselves and their clothing, and are thrilled if they can share them with me to "wear" for a while. If any of our grandkids are still young enough to want to "decorate" me in my casket when I go, I would hope everyone around me would appreciate the gesture and smile at the loving relationship I had with that child. -- GRANDMA OF (ALMOST) 13