DEAR ABBY: My fiancee said, "Shut up!" during a recent conversation with my mom, using the phrase in the same way people say, "No way!" or, "Get outta here!" to express friendly disbelief.

Mom didn't say anything and gave me no reason to believe she was offended; however, I find talk like that better suited to friends and siblings -- not parents or future in-laws.

As soon as we were alone I asked my fiancee to please not use that expression with my parents. She said she'd try, but warned me that it might be hard to stop herself. A frequent reader of your column, she also said you probably would have told me to let it go. I suggested we find out. Should I have said nothing? -- POSSIBLE PRUDE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR POSSIBLE PRUDE: Your fiancee is mistaken. I would never advise someone to ignore something that could be offensive. You were right to speak up. For people in your parents' generation, "shut up" has a different connotation than with younger people and could be considered offensive. I hope your intended will take your suggestion to heart. However, in case she should slip, explain to your folks that the phrase is used commonly and isn't meant as an insult -- as jarring to them as it may be to hear.

DEAR ABBY: I have had the same group of friends for 20 years. They are an affluent group -- doctors, lawyers, etc. -- and very social. My best friend got wind of the fact that I had gone out with an African-American man. She confronted me, told me we could no longer be friends and then kicked me out of her house. If I call her, she hangs up on me.

We had a loving, longtime friendship. It has been five months now and no one has called. I am sad and shocked. I always thought of her as my best friend, and my other friends who were also dear to me are shunning me as well. What should I do? -- OUTCAST IN THE SOUTH

DEAR OUTCAST: I know this has been painful, but you need to recognize that in spite of their educational and financial advantages, your friends' thinking hasn't changed despite nearly 50 years of improving race relations. You grew; they didn't. For your own sake, you must accept that you and these people are on different paths and will never agree on this. Look elsewhere for companions who think more like you do. Believe me, there are many out there.

DEAR ABBY: With the holidays here and family gathering to celebrate, some will be overnight guests. Although we have had pets here in the past, my wife and I are older now. Our home has been remodeled and we no longer have pets because we don't have time to properly maintain an animal. We also travel frequently and don't want to leave a pet in a kennel.

My point is, if people are guests during one of these gatherings, please check first to see if pets are welcome. I know some relatives may feel their pet is one of the family, but they need to consider it may be a burden for the homeowner.

Thanks for getting my message out, Abby. -- "THE OLD GUY" IN WISCONSIN

DEAR "OLD GUY": Excuse me? What if the family members your message is intended for happen to miss reading my column? Because you want to ensure the message is received, the most effective method to do that would be to speak up and make your wishes known in advance -- especially in a case like this one.

DEAR ABBY: "Saddened in New Jersey" (Oct. 2) complained that her sister's 4-year-old daughter put stickers on the hands and face of her deceased grandmother during her wake. Perhaps the child's mother didn't anticipate her daughter's actions. Children need to grieve, too. That said, they also should behave appropriately.

I saw an article about one funeral home with an excellent solution. Before the dearly departed is placed in the casket, the inside fabric, pillow, etc. are removed. The children are then allowed to decorate the uncovered casket walls with farewell messages and drawings. The interior is then "reupholstered" and nothing is visible. The children are told that it is to keep their messages private.

One story was particularly touching -- a little boy wanted his mommy to know how much he loved her and for it to be as close to her as possible. He wrote "I love you, Mommy" on the casket pillow that was placed beneath her head. At the service, only he knew about the secret message he had left for his mom for all eternity. -- A MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR MOM: Thank you for sharing a clever solution. I felt that the child's placing of stickers on her grandmother's body was disrespectful and the mother was wrong to permit it in spite of the grandfather's expression of disapproval. While I viewed it as a desecration of a corpse, readers felt differently. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: "Saddened" should never have removed the 4-year-old from the casket. It was not her place. The child was giving her grandmother a goodbye gift. If the woman wanted to remove the stickers before the casket was closed, she should have done it after the child left the room.

I have seen many friends and relatives place things in caskets as gifts and remembrances. It is not disrespectful to the deceased, but gives closure and a warm memory to those who are still living.

Putting stickers on Grandma was the child's way of saying goodbye. A funeral is a celebration of life and no matter what their age, people are entitled to say goodbye in their own way. -- MELODY IN NEVADA

DEAR ABBY: If the sticker incident is the worst that can be said about the 4-year-old's behavior that day, what's the harm? Had she thrown a tantrum during the service or before placing the stickers, I'd agree that the child should not have been there. But since the behavior took place after "Saddened" made an issue of the stickers, the situation could have been handled more effectively.

All "Saddened" had to do was wait until the service was over, take the funeral director aside privately and ask him to remove the stickers before the deceased was interred. No drama, no scene, no tantrum, and everybody goes home in peace. Funerals, like any other event, are only as stressful as you want them to be. -- NO DRAMA, PLEASE

DEAR ABBY: I own the West's oldest funeral firm and I disagree with your answer. Funerals are about learning that we are mortal. To stand on ceremony when a young child is participating in one of life's most important lessons misses the point. Memorials are not about formality but humanity. Let the child place those stickers and let everyone learn something from that. -- DAN IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR ABBY: Our grandchildren love stickers, put them all over themselves and their clothing, and are thrilled if they can share them with me to "wear" for a while. If any of our grandkids are still young enough to want to "decorate" me in my casket when I go, I would hope everyone around me would appreciate the gesture and smile at the loving relationship I had with that child. -- GRANDMA OF (ALMOST) 13

DEAR ABBY: I am an educated woman in my late 20s. I have been married for several years to a wonderful man, and we were recently blessed with our first child.

Since our wedding, my relationship with my mother-in-law has been an evolving one. Since the inception of "Desperate Housewives" on TV, she seems to believe she's a character on the show. She trots around in revealing clothing looking like a streetwalker. She spends most of her time gossiping with her newfound buddies who are half her age, and who seem to delight in dressing her up to make her the talk of the town.

As a little girl, when I dreamed of how my life would be as a married woman, it was never like this. My dreams never included a MIL who enjoys seeing people look at her in disbelief as she struts across the room. I don't want this to be an example for my daughter. Confronting her doesn't work -- she responds with guilt and mockery. In other words, she always wins. I'm at a loss and have given up trying to figure her out. Please help. -- DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE

DEAR DESPERATE: As an educated woman, it's time for you to smarten up and accept your mother-in-law for the "character" she is -- warts and all. You were wrong to expect her to fulfill the fantasy role you created for her. She's not ready to do it -- and she may never be.

The way she dresses will not influence your daughter; you will do that. Your mother-in-law's attire is a reflection only on her, not you. Remember that. If she is so youthful in spirit that she has been accepted by a younger group of women, stop judging her and perhaps even learn from it. She's not over the hill yet. So stop trying to push her there, and you'll both be happier.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Joe," and I have been married for 12 years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and he has a son from a previous relationship. My daughter is married and lives in another state.

My 22-year-old stepson, "Junior," lives with us. He has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and has stolen from us. I recently discovered that another item of mine was missing. I told Joe it has to stop -- that I can't live like a prisoner in my own home. Joe will not kick Junior out of the house. Joe said he would leave, but that he won't put Junior out on the street like a dog.

Our marriage was solid until Junior's problems started a year ago. I'd never ask my husband to make a choice. Junior is his son. I, on the other hand, feel like a stranger in my own home. We barely speak now and have been sleeping in separate rooms. I am at a loss. Abby, have you any advice? -- STRANGER IN MY OWN HOME

DEAR STRANGER: Yes. You and your husband should consult a therapist who specializes in treating addictions. Your husband loves his son, but he is enabling him to continue using by turning a blind eye to his stealing and not enforcing consequences. Sometimes love has to be tough. Because your marriage has deteriorated to the point that you no longer speak or share a bedroom, recognize that you must look out for your own welfare because your husband seems unwilling or unable to.