DEAR ABBY: A number of things in the letter from "Uneasy in Indiana" (Oct. 21) can be red flags for sex abuse. I have worked in child welfare for 35 years. Abusers often start with "playful touching," comment about "cute" body parts, continue after being asked to stop, and make power statements that they can touch the child if they want.

If the incident was innocent, why didn't he recognize that it made his daughter uneasy and immediately stop when asked? "Uneasy" already fears he may accuse her of being a paranoid former victim. Abusers, when confronted, often accuse the other parent of "misunderstanding" or "being crazy." They may also accuse the child of misunderstanding the touches or being provocative.

That "Uneasy" and her husband don't have sex is also of concern -- it can mean her husband finds children, not adult women, sexually desirable.

Even if "Uneasy" isn't sure, she should stop leaving the child alone with him. Take her with her to class, leave her with a friend's parents or a safe relative. Let the husband know the touching and comments stop now -- no excuses -- and if there's anything else of this nature she will report it to the authorities.

The time to protect a child is before something happens. Afterward is too late. Children often tell only one time. If no action is taken, the child won't tell again! -- SEEN IT ALL IN TEXAS

DEAR SEEN IT ALL: My thanks to you and the others who wrote to support my advice to "Uneasy in Indiana." My readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a clinical social worker who works with sex offenders in a prison. I'm distressed that the husband "truly believed it was OK and didn't mean ..." Yes, he did mean to touch his daughter inappropriately. He has begun to groom her for his own sick pleasure.

The key statement in that letter is the girl asked him to stop and he negated her feelings by telling her she "belonged" to him. Huge red flag! So many offenders I see are infatuated with preteens. "Uneasy" needs to get him to counseling ASAP and never leave her daughter alone with Dad. -- UNEASY THERAPIST IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ABBY: That husband is playing with fire. I know. After my wife died I playfully spanked and patted my daughter's cute little butt. Her school counselor found out, called child protective services, who called the police, and I was arrested. I wound up serving 2 1/2 years in prison. I'm now on parole and will be on the federal Sex Offender Registry for the next 20 years. That man needs to rethink his actions and get professional help before it's too late for him or his daughter. -- C.R.H. IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ABBY: "Uneasy's" letter made me sick to my stomach, having endured the same treatment from my father. If it's not stopped immediately, it will most likely escalate into incest. The issue is boundaries. Every girl needs them in order to maintain her self-worth, control over her own body and her ability to say "no" without being afraid of offending some guy who wants to treat her like a sex object.

It took years of therapy and work to repair the damage my father caused. This father's problem should be addressed immediately by a professional therapist. "Uneasy" needs to put her foot down and let him know his behavior will not be tolerated. The daughter needs her mother's full support. She has a right to feel safe in her own home. -- DISTURBED IN OREGON

DEAR ABBY: What is a wife to do? My husband occasionally pitches in to help me prepare holiday meals. He prides himself on his dishwashing skills, but when he's done I have to rewash most of the pots and pans because he doesn't check his work. If I ask him to redo them, he reacts as though it's a criticism and has an over-the-top fit.

At times like Thanksgiving I'm stressed out cooking for the family and would love his help, but it's more trouble than it's worth. Discussing it with him hasn't been successful, and friends have told me they have the same problem. Can you provide a strategy that can keep us humming along happily with our husbands in the kitchen? -- DREADING THANKSGIVING IN L.A.

DEAR DREADING: Perhaps you should soak the pots and pans immediately after you're done cooking, so when the meal is done your husband will have an easier job of washing them. If any food is still hard to remove, offer to help him by filling the utensils with water and placing them on the stove; let them boil a while, and then wash them again with detergent and a brush. That should solve your problem.

DEAR ABBY: I have wanted a baby for a long time. Now that I'm 31, my desire is growing stronger. My boyfriend of 11 years, "Chad," is 35. His daughter lives with us and I have raised her like she was mine.

Chad and I discussed having a baby and even went to a fertility clinic to make sure we're healthy and would have no complications trying to conceive. Now, almost a year later and still no baby, he says he has a successful business, loves his life and doesn't want any more kids! "Maybe down the road" he "might" change his mind.

I hate him for this. I had two abortions for him five years into our relationship because he felt we weren't ready. He was starting his business and I was still in my last year of college.

Abby, please help me. I am furious with him, and I'm starting to pull away from him and his daughter. -- CHEATED IN NEW YORK

DEAR CHEATED: I'm sorry, but your signature indicates you have a firm grasp of your situation. It appears you will never have what you want if you stay with Chad, so pack your bags and get on with your life.

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 15 years has been forthcoming about the four serious relationships (two marriages included), she had before we were married. Recently, however, she mentioned she still has a "place in her heart" -- and always will -- for her first boyfriend. They had a three-year high school romance.

I find this really disturbing. It's like I will never get 100 percent of her heart, no matter what. It also bothers me that he was just a boyfriend. I could almost accept feelings for an ex-husband because of the nature of the relationship -- but a boyfriend? Come on! Please advise. -- SHE HAS ALL OF ME

DEAR ALL OF ME: Your wife's first love will always have a place in her heart (and many women would concur) because the relationship has been idealized. They didn't experience the ups and downs of daily living, budget problems, child problems, illnesses and other realities that living with someone on a daily basis can present.

You have all of her, including the fact that she tends to romanticize the past. However, your marriage will be better served if, when the subject of the past is raised, you turn it to the present or the future.

DEAR ABBY: Late last winter, a sheriff called to tell me that my daughter "Amy" had been found standing, bruised and battered, on a street corner in upstate New York. Her arm had been broken. He was convinced that the man she was living with had beaten her and kicked her outside to freeze. Her sister (my other daughter) paid to put her up in a hotel for the night.

My husband and I were convinced early on in this relationship that this monster was determined to have us support him financially, because he would leave us long, threatening messages demanding money, or else our daughter would be "homeless."

Amy moved back in with him, and I heard from her sister that the creep was bringing other women home for sex. It raised my hopes that Amy would give up on him. Instead, she became pregnant.

Now Amy is hurt that I don't call her and share in this exciting event. When I try to explain how I feel, she tells me, "It's not about you, Mom." She's right. It's about the baby. I am ashamed to not be able to change this baby's future. What can I do? -- PARALYZED WITH FEAR OUT WEST

DEAR PARALYZED: Make every effort to prevent your daughter and grandchild from becoming isolated from your family. Some abusers deliberately impregnate their victims in order to keep them dependent. Keep the contact and the conversation going, so that when Amy finally realizes that her boyfriend is a danger not only to her but also to her baby, she can come to you for help.

DEAR ABBY: We have two children, ages 9 and 6, and live in Northern California. We'll be traveling to Southern California soon to attend my cousin's wedding. We'll be staying with my parents.

My three unmarried adult siblings will be coming from out-of-state to attend the wedding. My brother "Ray" is a clear favorite with my kids. He visits often and showers them with attention, gifts and outings. He loves them dearly, but when he's around he consumes all of their attention.

I feel bad for my parents and other siblings -- especially my sister, who doesn't get to see them often and feels she can't compete with the gifts and rough-house game-playing. Do you have any suggestions for how I might temper the kids' enthusiasm for Uncle Ray on this trip, so others get to have meaningful bonding time with their nephew and niece, whom they rarely see? -- MARILYN IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR MARILYN: Enlist Ray's help with this and start talking with your children now about the special relationships you had with your parents and your siblings while growing up. Share funny stories, which will make them more "real" to the kids. Talk about the qualities that make each of your family members special, and be sure to mention how much your parents and all your siblings care about them. Then arrange in advance one or more activities they can enjoy together that do not include Ray. That would be some steps in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: What would you say is the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair? -- UNHAPPY WIFE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNHAPPY WIFE: A friendship is a relationship in which the spouse feels included. An emotional affair is one during which the spouse writes to Dear Abby and signs her question "Unhappy."