DEAR ABBY: What is a wife to do? My husband occasionally pitches in to help me prepare holiday meals. He prides himself on his dishwashing skills, but when he's done I have to rewash most of the pots and pans because he doesn't check his work. If I ask him to redo them, he reacts as though it's a criticism and has an over-the-top fit.

At times like Thanksgiving I'm stressed out cooking for the family and would love his help, but it's more trouble than it's worth. Discussing it with him hasn't been successful, and friends have told me they have the same problem. Can you provide a strategy that can keep us humming along happily with our husbands in the kitchen? -- DREADING THANKSGIVING IN L.A.

DEAR DREADING: Perhaps you should soak the pots and pans immediately after you're done cooking, so when the meal is done your husband will have an easier job of washing them. If any food is still hard to remove, offer to help him by filling the utensils with water and placing them on the stove; let them boil a while, and then wash them again with detergent and a brush. That should solve your problem.

DEAR ABBY: I have wanted a baby for a long time. Now that I'm 31, my desire is growing stronger. My boyfriend of 11 years, "Chad," is 35. His daughter lives with us and I have raised her like she was mine.

Chad and I discussed having a baby and even went to a fertility clinic to make sure we're healthy and would have no complications trying to conceive. Now, almost a year later and still no baby, he says he has a successful business, loves his life and doesn't want any more kids! "Maybe down the road" he "might" change his mind.

I hate him for this. I had two abortions for him five years into our relationship because he felt we weren't ready. He was starting his business and I was still in my last year of college.

Abby, please help me. I am furious with him, and I'm starting to pull away from him and his daughter. -- CHEATED IN NEW YORK

DEAR CHEATED: I'm sorry, but your signature indicates you have a firm grasp of your situation. It appears you will never have what you want if you stay with Chad, so pack your bags and get on with your life.

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 15 years has been forthcoming about the four serious relationships (two marriages included), she had before we were married. Recently, however, she mentioned she still has a "place in her heart" -- and always will -- for her first boyfriend. They had a three-year high school romance.

I find this really disturbing. It's like I will never get 100 percent of her heart, no matter what. It also bothers me that he was just a boyfriend. I could almost accept feelings for an ex-husband because of the nature of the relationship -- but a boyfriend? Come on! Please advise. -- SHE HAS ALL OF ME

DEAR ALL OF ME: Your wife's first love will always have a place in her heart (and many women would concur) because the relationship has been idealized. They didn't experience the ups and downs of daily living, budget problems, child problems, illnesses and other realities that living with someone on a daily basis can present.

You have all of her, including the fact that she tends to romanticize the past. However, your marriage will be better served if, when the subject of the past is raised, you turn it to the present or the future.

DEAR ABBY: Late last winter, a sheriff called to tell me that my daughter "Amy" had been found standing, bruised and battered, on a street corner in upstate New York. Her arm had been broken. He was convinced that the man she was living with had beaten her and kicked her outside to freeze. Her sister (my other daughter) paid to put her up in a hotel for the night.

My husband and I were convinced early on in this relationship that this monster was determined to have us support him financially, because he would leave us long, threatening messages demanding money, or else our daughter would be "homeless."

Amy moved back in with him, and I heard from her sister that the creep was bringing other women home for sex. It raised my hopes that Amy would give up on him. Instead, she became pregnant.

Now Amy is hurt that I don't call her and share in this exciting event. When I try to explain how I feel, she tells me, "It's not about you, Mom." She's right. It's about the baby. I am ashamed to not be able to change this baby's future. What can I do? -- PARALYZED WITH FEAR OUT WEST

DEAR PARALYZED: Make every effort to prevent your daughter and grandchild from becoming isolated from your family. Some abusers deliberately impregnate their victims in order to keep them dependent. Keep the contact and the conversation going, so that when Amy finally realizes that her boyfriend is a danger not only to her but also to her baby, she can come to you for help.

DEAR ABBY: We have two children, ages 9 and 6, and live in Northern California. We'll be traveling to Southern California soon to attend my cousin's wedding. We'll be staying with my parents.

My three unmarried adult siblings will be coming from out-of-state to attend the wedding. My brother "Ray" is a clear favorite with my kids. He visits often and showers them with attention, gifts and outings. He loves them dearly, but when he's around he consumes all of their attention.

I feel bad for my parents and other siblings -- especially my sister, who doesn't get to see them often and feels she can't compete with the gifts and rough-house game-playing. Do you have any suggestions for how I might temper the kids' enthusiasm for Uncle Ray on this trip, so others get to have meaningful bonding time with their nephew and niece, whom they rarely see? -- MARILYN IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR MARILYN: Enlist Ray's help with this and start talking with your children now about the special relationships you had with your parents and your siblings while growing up. Share funny stories, which will make them more "real" to the kids. Talk about the qualities that make each of your family members special, and be sure to mention how much your parents and all your siblings care about them. Then arrange in advance one or more activities they can enjoy together that do not include Ray. That would be some steps in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: What would you say is the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair? -- UNHAPPY WIFE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNHAPPY WIFE: A friendship is a relationship in which the spouse feels included. An emotional affair is one during which the spouse writes to Dear Abby and signs her question "Unhappy."

DEAR ABBY: My dad and I raise rabbits. My friend "Zoe" has always wanted one. Recently one of our rabbits had a litter, and Zoe fell in love with one in particular. Her birthday is coming soon, and I'm thinking about giving her this rabbit as a present. I would also include several days' worth of food.

My problem is, I don't know if I would be imposing on her parents. Should I ask them first? And do you think I should also include a cage? -- KENTUCKY BUNNY-LOVER

DEAR BUNNY-LOVER: You should never give a live animal as a gift unless you're positive that the creature will be welcomed and have a good home. That's why it's important to get the approval of Zoe's parents before giving her the rabbit. Be sure the family knows everything they need to about successfully raising a rabbit, including its behavior and the space requirements for exercise. You'll be doing them -- and the bunny -- a favor if you do. If Zoe's parents approve of the gift, it would be generous to include the cage.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old guy. I have been growing my hair out for a long time, and my bangs are now down to my nose. It looks and feels really cool.

My problem is, now that I'm in high school, adults get on my case about my hair. I can hardly go one day without some teacher yelling at me to "get your hair out of your eyes!" I flip it to the side, but they still seem annoyed.

I'm tired of hearing about it. One day, five different teachers all got mad about it. What can I say to stop people from freaking out over my hair? -- JOSH IN MICHIGAN

DEAR JOSH: Is this the only problem you're having with the teachers? Their concern may be that your hair is now so long you can no longer see the blackboard. And because they can't see your eyes, they may be unable to gauge whether you're "getting" the lesson they're trying to convey.

While you and I may think that what's inside your head is more important than what's on it, if several teachers have been commenting on your hair, it's time to do something about it.

DEAR ABBY: From time to time you have printed letters in your column from people who don't know what to do with their lives. I'm an intelligent woman in my mid-20s. I did well in high school, quickly selected a major in college, excelled there, graduated and found a job in my field. I worked for three years, and then was let go. As you can imagine, I was devastated. My plans for my life had fallen through.

That was several months ago. Since then, I have taken time to explore other options and interests. I may even head back to school, something I have wanted to do because I love to learn. I have also focused more on my social life and am in the first serious romantic relationship of my life.

To those of your readers who are unsure: Understand that life doesn't always go according to plan, but there is nothing wrong with that. -- MOVING ON IN UTAH

DEAR MOVING ON: I agree -- you are an intelligent young woman, and an emotionally healthy one as well. You have been able to recognize the positive in what many people consider a negative situation. Your letter illustrates that when one door closes, another one opens. Your attitude will serve you well in life.