DEAR ABBY: Late last winter, a sheriff called to tell me that my daughter "Amy" had been found standing, bruised and battered, on a street corner in upstate New York. Her arm had been broken. He was convinced that the man she was living with had beaten her and kicked her outside to freeze. Her sister (my other daughter) paid to put her up in a hotel for the night.

My husband and I were convinced early on in this relationship that this monster was determined to have us support him financially, because he would leave us long, threatening messages demanding money, or else our daughter would be "homeless."

Amy moved back in with him, and I heard from her sister that the creep was bringing other women home for sex. It raised my hopes that Amy would give up on him. Instead, she became pregnant.

Now Amy is hurt that I don't call her and share in this exciting event. When I try to explain how I feel, she tells me, "It's not about you, Mom." She's right. It's about the baby. I am ashamed to not be able to change this baby's future. What can I do? -- PARALYZED WITH FEAR OUT WEST

DEAR PARALYZED: Make every effort to prevent your daughter and grandchild from becoming isolated from your family. Some abusers deliberately impregnate their victims in order to keep them dependent. Keep the contact and the conversation going, so that when Amy finally realizes that her boyfriend is a danger not only to her but also to her baby, she can come to you for help.

DEAR ABBY: We have two children, ages 9 and 6, and live in Northern California. We'll be traveling to Southern California soon to attend my cousin's wedding. We'll be staying with my parents.

My three unmarried adult siblings will be coming from out-of-state to attend the wedding. My brother "Ray" is a clear favorite with my kids. He visits often and showers them with attention, gifts and outings. He loves them dearly, but when he's around he consumes all of their attention.

I feel bad for my parents and other siblings -- especially my sister, who doesn't get to see them often and feels she can't compete with the gifts and rough-house game-playing. Do you have any suggestions for how I might temper the kids' enthusiasm for Uncle Ray on this trip, so others get to have meaningful bonding time with their nephew and niece, whom they rarely see? -- MARILYN IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR MARILYN: Enlist Ray's help with this and start talking with your children now about the special relationships you had with your parents and your siblings while growing up. Share funny stories, which will make them more "real" to the kids. Talk about the qualities that make each of your family members special, and be sure to mention how much your parents and all your siblings care about them. Then arrange in advance one or more activities they can enjoy together that do not include Ray. That would be some steps in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: What would you say is the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair? -- UNHAPPY WIFE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNHAPPY WIFE: A friendship is a relationship in which the spouse feels included. An emotional affair is one during which the spouse writes to Dear Abby and signs her question "Unhappy."

DEAR ABBY: My dad and I raise rabbits. My friend "Zoe" has always wanted one. Recently one of our rabbits had a litter, and Zoe fell in love with one in particular. Her birthday is coming soon, and I'm thinking about giving her this rabbit as a present. I would also include several days' worth of food.

My problem is, I don't know if I would be imposing on her parents. Should I ask them first? And do you think I should also include a cage? -- KENTUCKY BUNNY-LOVER

DEAR BUNNY-LOVER: You should never give a live animal as a gift unless you're positive that the creature will be welcomed and have a good home. That's why it's important to get the approval of Zoe's parents before giving her the rabbit. Be sure the family knows everything they need to about successfully raising a rabbit, including its behavior and the space requirements for exercise. You'll be doing them -- and the bunny -- a favor if you do. If Zoe's parents approve of the gift, it would be generous to include the cage.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old guy. I have been growing my hair out for a long time, and my bangs are now down to my nose. It looks and feels really cool.

My problem is, now that I'm in high school, adults get on my case about my hair. I can hardly go one day without some teacher yelling at me to "get your hair out of your eyes!" I flip it to the side, but they still seem annoyed.

I'm tired of hearing about it. One day, five different teachers all got mad about it. What can I say to stop people from freaking out over my hair? -- JOSH IN MICHIGAN

DEAR JOSH: Is this the only problem you're having with the teachers? Their concern may be that your hair is now so long you can no longer see the blackboard. And because they can't see your eyes, they may be unable to gauge whether you're "getting" the lesson they're trying to convey.

While you and I may think that what's inside your head is more important than what's on it, if several teachers have been commenting on your hair, it's time to do something about it.

DEAR ABBY: From time to time you have printed letters in your column from people who don't know what to do with their lives. I'm an intelligent woman in my mid-20s. I did well in high school, quickly selected a major in college, excelled there, graduated and found a job in my field. I worked for three years, and then was let go. As you can imagine, I was devastated. My plans for my life had fallen through.

That was several months ago. Since then, I have taken time to explore other options and interests. I may even head back to school, something I have wanted to do because I love to learn. I have also focused more on my social life and am in the first serious romantic relationship of my life.

To those of your readers who are unsure: Understand that life doesn't always go according to plan, but there is nothing wrong with that. -- MOVING ON IN UTAH

DEAR MOVING ON: I agree -- you are an intelligent young woman, and an emotionally healthy one as well. You have been able to recognize the positive in what many people consider a negative situation. Your letter illustrates that when one door closes, another one opens. Your attitude will serve you well in life.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Todd," and I have been together for four years. He proposed this summer and our wedding is planned for next year. I thought planning our wedding would be fun, but it has turned out to be a nightmare.

I want orange as our primary color, but now Todd is saying he "hates" the color orange, although he never mentioned it before. I tried to get him to agree to pair it with a color of his choice, but he refused.

Todd is being unreasonable and will not agree with me on the color. Since it mainly affects the bridal party, I feel it should be my decision. He says it isn't, and that he won't even wear an orange tie or anything like it. What is your opinion? -- STUCK ON THE COLOR IN GEORGIA

DEAR STUCK: This isn't just "your" wedding; it's Todd's wedding, too. If he would find standing at the altar opposite a line of bridesmaids clad in orange to be a turnoff and dislikes the color so much that he refuses to wear a tie or boutonniere that's orange -- then agree on some other color. This is only one of the many compromises that lie ahead for you, so start practicing with this one.

DEAR ABBY: Two months ago, my brother and his wife asked me to move in with them. It's beautiful here, they have a lovely home and have been extremely hospitable for the most part. The problem is they fight like cats and dogs. It gets so bad sometimes that the neighbors have to call the police.

Once a week without fail, they have a huge spat about one thing or another and argue at all hours of the day and night. They break things, curse and call each other names I wouldn't call my worst enemy. If I had known they were this unhappy, I would never have moved in.

They've been together for so long, this may just be their way of communicating, but I can't put up with the long days and sleepless nights. It's beginning to wear on my sanity.

How do I tell them I appreciate them for letting me stay, but I can no longer take the constant fighting? -- THANKS, BUT NO THANKS

DEAR T., B.N.T.: Thank them for their hospitality and for offering to share their lovely home with you, but that you will be moving to a place of your own. If they ask you why, tell them that you love them both, but the long days and sleepless nights when they argue are preventing you from getting the rest you need. It's the truth, and it probably won't be the first time they've heard it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged woman who is Baptist by faith. I believe that when I die I will go to heaven. My problem is, if going to heaven means being reunited with my parents and other family members, then I don't want to go! The idea of spending eternity with them is more than I can stand, but I don't want to go to hell, either. Any thoughts? -- ETERNALLY CONFUSED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR ETERNALLY CONFUSED: Yes. When you reach the pearly gates, talk this over with St. Peter. Perhaps he would be willing to place you in a different wing than the one your parents and other family members are staying in. And in the meantime, discuss this with your minister.