DEAR ABBY: I relocated to a new area a year ago and, after several hair color disasters, finally found a great stylist/colorist, "Raphael." The problem is, he constantly hits on me even though he's married. He emails and calls me frequently. I told him I'd be willing to see him after hours only if his wife, the salon receptionist, is aware of it. He said, "No, don't tell her."

Raphael tries to lure me into the salon after closing by promising free services, which I decline. There's no question that this is more than the simple flattery most male stylists give their clients. That he's trying to cheat on his wife makes me extremely uncomfortable. The salon is across from my apartment, so when he sees me come out he always asks me to have dinner. I have taken to walking a different route.

I don't want to look for a new stylist after all the mess I had to go through to find Raphael. How can I communicate clearly that I love the way he does my hair, but I'm not interested otherwise? I don't want to make things awkward, but I have tried everything and he won't take the hint. -- DIS-TRESSED IN BETHESDA, MD.

DEAR DIS-TRESSED: There's a reason why Raphael's wife is his receptionist. Raphael may think he is irresistible because he has done this successfully with other customers.

The next time he makes a move on you, tell him plainly you're not interested and that his actions are embarrassing. You will probably have to find another hairdresser afterward because Raphael appears to have a giant ego and may not take rejection well. An excellent way to find one is to ask women whose hairstyles and color you like. In fact, I'm advising you to start doing that right away before your roots start showing.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Cameron" for five years. We're in graduate school, have a wonderful relationship and are discussing marriage. I get along well with his parents, but some things have just come out about his father and I don't know how to deal with it.

Two years ago we discovered that Cameron's father had been having an affair. He promised to stop seeing the woman, get a restraining order so she'd leave him alone and work on his marriage. It seems he lied. We have ound out (again) that he has continued to see her. Cameron was mortified both times and sad his father would treat his mother this way.

His mother said she'd try counseling with him, and if he didn't live up to his promise, she'd divorce him. It has been months and they're still in counseling. His dad isn't allowed to live at home with her.

I'm furious with Cameron's father for being such an idiot. I don't want to see him (one of Cameron's sisters has cut him out of her life completely), but Cameron thinks his father will hurt himself if we all leave him. Please tell me how to handle this because although I never want to see the man again, I may have to. -- WALKING ON EGGSHELLS IN DELAWARE

DEAR WALKING ON EGGSHELLS: Cameron's parents' marriage has hit a "rough patch." However, they're both trying to repair it. While you may be disgusted with Cameron's father, you have no reason to be "furious" with him -- his wife does. So for everyone's sake, cool off and think rationally.

If your boyfriend's parents manage to reconcile, you'll be seeing them with some regularity -- and they will need all of the emotional support they can get. If they decide to divorce, it will be up to Cameron to decide how close he wishes to remain with his father. Please do not add fuel to an already explosive situation. Everyone's suffering enough as it is.

DEAR ABBY: My younger sister is getting married next month and has requested that no kids be brought to the reception. My "kids" are teenagers and I feel that at least children of the immediate family should be allowed to attend. Incidentally, Sis and her fiance have a little girl and boy who will serve as a flower girl and ring bearer. The children will participate in the wedding party introductions, then will be carted off.

Finally, she wants my 15-year-old to baby-sit the young cousins. Because we don't think it's right, we have decided that we will attend the wedding ceremony but not the reception. It is not my intention not to share her moment, but I'm afraid my teenagers won't understand why they can't celebrate their aunt's special day. Am I making too much of this? -- RSVP UNDECIDED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR UNDECIDED: Your sister's reason for excluding "children" could be budgetary -- or fear that young children could be disruptive. By saying "no children" she is trying to be fair to all the parents. However, if she wants your daughter to baby-sit, she should make the arrangements with your daughter -- including offering to pay her for her time -- especially if there will be more children than the flower girl and ring bearer in her care.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Adam," and I have been together for three years, and hopefully will be for many more to come. One of the core values he feels strongly about is not drinking, and not associating with others when they drink. I have never gotten drunk, but I do have one or two drinks a month with friends. When I mentioned it to Adam, he became extremely frustrated. Now things have become rocky between us.

I feel like I have done something devastatingly wrong, even though I know I haven't. I can't promise Adam I'll never drink again, but I respect his values enough to keep to the couple of drinks per month and no more. I feel he doesn't trust me now. What should I do? I love Adam and want to make things right, but I won't make a promise I know I can't keep. -- HARDLY A DRUNK IN SEATTLE

DEAR HARDLY A DRUNK: I wish you had told me why your boyfriend is so against being involved with someone who has an occasional drink. Were his parents alcoholics? Is he in recovery? Was he upset because it took three years for you to tell him you have a drink or two a month with your friends, and that's why he "doesn't trust you"?

While you and I may think your boyfriend's attitude is unreasonable, it's clear to me that if you want him, you will have to take "the pledge." And if you can't do that, Adam is not The One for you.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Adam," and I have been together for three years, and hopefully will be for many more to come. One of the core values he feels strongly about is not drinking, and not associating with others when they drink. I have never gotten drunk, but I do have one or two drinks a month with friends. When I mentioned it to Adam, he became extremely frustrated. Now things have become rocky between us.

I feel like I have done something devastatingly wrong, even though I know I haven't. I can't promise Adam I'll never drink again, but I respect his values enough to keep to the couple of drinks per month and no more. I feel he doesn't trust me now. What should I do? I love Adam and want to make things right, but I won't make a promise I know I can't keep. -- HARDLY A DRUNK IN SEATTLE

DEAR HARDLY A DRUNK: I wish you had told me why your boyfriend is so against being involved with someone who has an occasional drink. Were his parents alcoholics? Is he in recovery? Was he upset because it took three years for you to tell him you have a drink or two a month with your friends, and that's why he "doesn't trust you"?

While you and I may think your boyfriend's attitude is unreasonable, it's clear to me that if you want him, you will have to take "the pledge." And if you can't do that, Adam is not The One for you.

DEAR ABBY: My 87-year-old mother recently discovered that the mausoleum site she had reserved for herself next to my father's grave -- and paid for when he died -- was occupied by my uncle's ashes and headstone. Mom had moved away 20 years ago and had not visited the cemetery in all that time.

My cousin's explanation, when confronted by my tearful mom, was that it was a "temporary solution" as the mausoleum was full at the time of my uncle's death. They were planning to move him. Apparently, it has taken 14 years for them to get around to it.

Mom had to send a notarized letter to the cemetery asking that my uncle's remains be removed. My cousins, who are wealthy and successful people, saved $800 by using my mother's prepaid site. Should Mom charge them rent? -- BEWILDERED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BEWILDERED: I don't think your mother should ask your cousins for "rent," but I do think your mother should contact the owners of the cemetery and ask what they plan to do to compensate her for her distress. Frankly, I don't understand how they could have allowed your uncle's ashes to be placed in her reserved site. The ball will then be in their court -- and if they are ethical and responsible, they may offer free opening and closing costs at the time of her death.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Joy" is 19. She attended a small school with about 40 other students in her grade. She never had a boyfriend -- or even a date -- until the first week of college a year ago. The boy was a high school classmate of hers. They became engaged before he went off to boot camp.

My husband and I are extremely concerned because of Joy's age and inexperience. Her fiance is OK, but we feel they are not for each other. We're positive she could find someone more compatible, but who's going to approach her with that ring on her finger? I feel my daughter has low self-esteem and is afraid she won't find anyone else. How do we make Joy see that she's too young and inexperienced to make such an important decision? -- MAMA KNOWS BETTER IN OHIO

DEAR MAMA KNOWS BETTER: You can't. As well-meaning and caring a mother as you are, if you try to tell your daughter what you have in mind you will only make her defensive. Instead, encourage her to wait until her fiance returns home and she either has her college degree or is close to it before they tie the knot. It will go a long way to making her more employable when she starts a career of her own. And if her fiance decides to make a career of the military, it will make her more employable as they are transferred from place to place.

DEAR ABBY: It's almost Halloween and parents need to teach their children that if a house does not have its porch light on, it means the resident will not be handing out candy or other treats.

There are many reasons people don't participate. Some people run out of treats early, while others simply can't afford to buy candy in the first place. These homes should not be targeted with "tricks" or vandalism. Simply skip the house with the lights off and move on to the next one that has its lights on. -- LIGHTS ON IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LIGHTS ON: Your letter is a timely one, and I'm glad you brought the subject up because what you have written is correct. Some people do not participate in Halloween for religious and other reasons, and their beliefs should be respected.