DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I placed my daughter for adoption. The circumstances that led me to make the decision were compelling. After 18 years, I was surprised and elated to hear from her. She's 23, has a child of her own and is engaged to be married. I tried to maintain communication, but she stopped corresponding.

After a period of not wanting to talk, she is now trying to get back in touch with me and her siblings. We're unsure what to think about this and questioning her motives. Does she truly want us to be involved with her and her daughter? Or is this a way to get gifts for her child and her upcoming wedding?

I would like to discuss this with her, but I'm hesitant for fear of losing her again. I always wanted a relationship with my daughter. I'm confused and afraid of being hurt again. What can I do? -- BIRTH MOM IN WISCONSIN

DEAR BIRTH MOM: By all means have a discussion with your daughter, but do it in reference to the fact that you were puzzled and hurt when she suddenly ceased communication with you. Let her explain what led to it. She may have been dealing with mixed emotions, which seems logical to me.

Because you want a relationship with her, you may have to accept that it will proceed in fits and starts -- and may not blossom the way you might wish it to. You'll know more as you get to know her better.

DEAR ABBY: My mom goes overboard with gifts for my two sons when she goes on vacation or when she shops for birthdays and Christmas. I have asked her to scale back and not buy them each a box full of stuff. I tried to be tactful, but she said they "expect" Grandma to give them stuff.

The problem is she gives them random things that hold no interest for them. My sons are always kind and thank her, but their rooms are packed full of toys, many never opened, because they have too much stuff.

When I asked Mom to just give the boys a book about the next place she visits, she became defensive. I don't know how to tell her in a way she'll understand that she's wasting her hard-earned money on gifts my children won't use or have no interest in. Can you help me? -- TOO MUCH STUFF IN IOWA

DEAR TOO MUCH: Try something like this: "Mom, you are a generous sweetheart, but you are giving them too much stuff. They're inundated! There are toys in their rooms that have never been opened because they have outgrown them. That's why this year we are donating the unopened ones to a homeless shelter. It hurts me to see you spend money on items the boys don't use -- so please, cut back on the number of gifts, and before spending your hard-earned money, ask me what they can use."

DEAR ABBY: I have become close friends with an elderly lady, "Adele." Unfortunately, I don't know her family. I care for Adele and would like to be contacted if anything ever happened to her or if she was not able to call me herself. Would it be appropriate to ask her to have her family call me if she ever has an emergency? -- SOMEONE WHO CARES, ANDOVER, MINN.

DEAR SOMEONE: Yes, it would, and I'm sure Adele would be touched if you suggested it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband recently asked how I would feel about him buying a plane ticket for his brother "Jake" to visit us and his parents over the holidays. I told him I wouldn't like it -- not because my husband would be paying for the ticket, but because Jake is a registered sex offender.

My husband is now upset with me, saying Jake "served his time." I understand that, but the underage girl he messed around with was his niece. My daughter is 10 and starting to develop. She's also affectionate with family. I don't want her hugging Uncle Jake.

My husband and I are now not speaking. He told me that if his family isn't welcome in our house, he will start treating my family badly. Am I wrong for not wanting Jake sleeping under the same roof as my daughter? -- PROTECTIVE MOM IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: No, you're not wrong. That your husband would try to blackmail you into allowing a registered sex offender to sleep in the same house as your adolescent daughter is deplorable. Your daughter is old enough to be told that Uncle Jake has a problem with young girls, and that if he ever makes a move on her, you want to know immediately.

It isn't like Jake did time for bank robbery. Sex offenders are usually prohibited from having contact with minors. The man has a sexual impulse disorder that shouldn't be ignored, and your husband should not allow any risk that your daughter might be molested.

DEAR ABBY: My son accidentally hit my neighbor's car with his bike. We immediately went over, told him to get an estimate, and I said I would gladly pay the cost of repair. Three days later, our neighbor came over with the estimate and I wrote him a check.

As time went on, I noticed the car wasn't fixed, so one day when I saw him outside I asked him about it. He told me his wife needed some things, so he gave her the money I had given him. He said he wasn't really that concerned about the car.

Since I gave him the money to fix the car, shouldn't he have used it for that purpose? My husband says once I gave our neighbor the money, it was his to do with as he liked. I feel I did the right thing and he took the money knowing he was never going to fix the dent. What do you think? -- TOO GOOD A NEIGHBOR IN OHIO

DEAR TOO GOOD: I don't think a person can ever be "too good" a neighbor, and I agree with your husband.

DEAR ABBY: My son accidentally hit my neighbor's car with his bike. We immediately went over, told him to get an estimate, and I said I would gladly pay the cost of repair. Three days later, our neighbor came over with the estimate and I wrote him a check.

As time went on, I noticed the car wasn't fixed, so one day when I saw him outside I asked him about it. He told me his wife needed some things, so he gave her the money I had given him. He said he wasn't really that concerned about the car.

Since I gave him the money to fix the car, shouldn't he have used it for that purpose? My husband says once I gave our neighbor the money, it was his to do with as he liked. I feel I did the right thing and he took the money knowing he was never going to fix the dent. What do you think? -- TOO GOOD A NEIGHBOR IN OHIO

DEAR TOO GOOD: I don't think a person can ever be "too good" a neighbor, and I agree with your husband.

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest your excellent advice to "Nowhere and Everywhere" (Aug. 17), who asked about letting family members know about her polyamorous relationship. As a counselor, nurse and consulting hypnotist in private practice, I counsel people every day in developing healthy, happy, open relationships. Polyamory and other forms of non-monogamous relationships are becoming more widely practiced and accepted, as many individuals and couples find the limits of traditional marriage do not meet their needs.

It is not realistic to expect family members to immediately accept this lifestyle if they were raised with different beliefs about sexual exclusivity in marriage. I advise couples to "test the waters" first with the most open-minded family member by bringing up the subject of a "friend" who is in an open relationship. If the relative reacts in a neutral or positive way, it may be safe to disclose the truth. Ask this person how the rest of the family might respond to the news. Couples should carefully assess whether their relationship is strong enough to withstand potential rejection.

There is a price to pay for being open, and one for staying secretive. The latter requires lying to family members and excluding one partner from family events, causing pain for everyone. (The cornerstone of polyamorous relationships is honesty.)

Families do become more accepting over time if they see that the couple's marriage is not threatened by the polyamory and that everyone seems happy. I advise couples to expect drama and disapproval at first, but to be patient and keep reaching out to family members to give them time to get used to this new situation. -- KATHY IN BERKELEY

DEAR KATHY: Thank you for writing. Responses to that controversial letter were passionate and numerous. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: In response to "N and E's" request for a tip on how to let her boyfriend's conservative family know about their illicit, immoral polyamorous relationship, my advice is to say nothing.

If she's asked directly, only then should she defer to the boyfriend to explain their unorthodox lifestyle to his parents. Why does she feel the need to flaunt her private sexual relations?

If she loves the two men, her actions will speak for themselves without having to offend the family's ingrained sensibilities. -- ON HIGHER GROUND IN SALEM, MASS.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been non-monogamously married for many years. My lover joined the household four years ago. Some members of my family welcome all three of us, some don't. One, who doesn't otherwise identify as conservative, has cut me off.

I'm sad that my happy family life offends them, but my household is my primary family unit, and I don't lie or cover it up. Different family styles work for different people. Why is this hard to grasp? -- JEAN IN PROVIDENCE

DEAR ABBY: Human sexuality expresses itself across a vast spectrum. Consenting adults can and do choose this lifestyle, but it's a no-brainer that it strikes a negative chord within our culture.

Why is it necessary to remove the last shred of illusion and comfort from those parents? They may lack the psychological flexibility to accept polyamory. They already know on some inner level what is happening. My closest friends know about my lifestyle, but I am content to not "stir the pot" by forcing it into open conversation.

We don't live in an especially tolerant society. People are slow to embrace anything different from the "norm." If that triad is happy and enjoying life, that should be all that matters. -- E.L. IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: Where will she be if she becomes pregnant? A baby would complicate a triad situation. There can be only one biological dad.

Who will play Daddy, and who the uncle? Will each of them really be OK with this then? How confused might the child be? As a mom, I feel for the parents of all involved. -- NOT SURE IF I'D WANT TO KNOW

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)