DEAR ABBY: When my son "Lyle" told my husband and me that his wife, "Becky," was leaving him and taking their kids where he would not be able to see them, we were shocked. Lyle consulted an attorney, filed for divorce that day, and got a restraining order to keep Becky from running off with the kids.

We begged them to go to counseling. As things progressed, Lyle learned about several of Becky's affairs, her drug use and her chronic lying, and told us every awful, shocking detail. He also made sure our entire family knew about his lying, cheating, conniving wife. As talk began to circulate around our family, my husband told Lyle he knew from the beginning that all the things he had been told about Becky were true.

Well, today my son announced to us that he and Becky are back together! We are stunned. Abby, please warn people who are considering divorce to keep their mouths shut, because spreading dirt helps no one and can cause real problems later. Any advice on how to deal with this mess now? -- WISH WE WERE NEVER TOLD

DEAR WISH: While I'm not a doctor, I am prescribing a healthy dose of collective amnesia for your family. It's the only way you'll be able to look Becky in the eye. Your son was lining up allies when he trashed her. Whether or not what he said about her was true or exaggerated, no one will regard her -- or him -- quite the way they did. What a shame.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Bernice," hasn't spoken to me since her son and I were married four years ago. We got along well prior to the wedding, but because I didn't let her make major decisions in the wedding she stopped speaking to me. I have done everything I can to mend our relationship -- sent her letters of apology, birthday gifts, etc. -- still no response.

My husband is in the middle. I have really had it with Bernice and don't want to try to mend fences with her any longer, but my husband is very close to his mom and wants me to keep trying. What can I do? Please help. -- DAUGHTER-IN-LAW DILEMMA

DEAR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Your husband isn't in the middle. His mother has been trying to push you out in left field for four years, and he is unwilling to put his foot down and stop her.

If you're smart, you will take the high road and continue with the gifts on special occasions. With luck, she'll continue to ignore them and you won't have to tolerate her. A mother-in-law who carries a grudge and thinks her "suggestions" are ironclad is a bona fide burden. Be glad you don't have to suffer her presence, and keep your fingers crossed.

DEAR BLUSHING: Although families have different standards regarding nudity, I think a touch of modesty is the best policy. If your wife enjoys being nude or topless in the confines of your bedroom and bathroom, she should keep the door shut, and ask that the boys knock and ask permission before entering.

DEAR ABBY: I have two sons, 19 and 12. My younger boy has a rare form of kidney disease. His kidney function is currently normal, but his doctor says that in the future he may need a new kidney. At that point, his brother would be high on the list for compatibility and availability. I, sadly, would not.

How does one mention the possibility of being a donor to his older brother? Is it even fair to ask? If he doesn't offer, would I always resent it? Should we wait until there is a real need before asking? -- PLANNING AHEAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PLANNING AHEAD: All families are different, and it's a credit to yours that you're thinking ahead regarding some of the difficult aspects related to donation. This subject can sometimes be fraught with the potential for perceived coercion. It can be offset by not framing it as a "request" from one family member, but as a general family discussion about the loved one's health situation.

Among the issues that should be raised: What does it mean for your younger son to have this rare kidney disease? What's the survival rate for an adolescent who receives a living donor transplant? What is involved in the donation process?

These questions should be raised as a family in conversation with a physician or other members of the kidney care team. Family members can then talk about how they feel about the issue, not as a response to a direct question. This provides a chance for better education about the condition as well as the process, and reduces fear.

The decision to be a living donor is a voluntary one and should be entered into free of pressure. Some people may not want to take the risk -- and their rights should be respected. The evaluation process is very thorough. It's designed to minimize risk and also can uncover unexpected conditions in the potential donor that are important.

The National Kidney Foundation provides information on its website regarding this subject. Visit kidney.org to learn more.

DEAR ABBY: I share a small office space with a co-worker, "Tammy," who is going through a nasty divorce. At first I tried to be supportive and listen to her problems, but now I think it was a mistake. I now dread going to work because I know I'll have to 1isten to a litany of complaints as soon as I walk through the door.

I have tried to encourage Tammy to talk to a priest or a psychologist, but she refuses because she's embarrassed. Is it time to inform our manager? I don't want to get Tammy in trouble, but I feel I'm incapable of giving her the kind of support she seems to need. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. Please help. -- WELL-INTENTIONED IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR WELL-INTENTIONED: Summon up the courage to tell Tammy that although you care about her, you can no longer listen to her problems because it's distracting you from your responsibilities at work. Explain again that these are issues she should be sharing with a trained professional. If she persists in bringing her personal problems to you, then ask your manager to put a stop to it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always felt proud that I have never had any racist thoughts. Since the births of my three children, I have tried to instill in them that we are all God's children, no matter the color of our skin.

The problem is, my husband is a racist. He doesn't like anyone who isn't just like him. He makes rude and crude remarks in front of our kids, and I'm always trying to discredit his remarks so the kids won't end up with his bigoted way of thinking.

I have tried talking to my husband about it, but he doesn't seem to get it. How can I get through to him? -- UNBIASED IN IDAHO

DEAR UNBIASED: You can't. His racism isn't rational. He learned it from the environment in which he was raised, as your children may if he continues.

In the time you knew your husband before you married him, I'm surprised that you didn't notice his racist beliefs. If you are truly as unbiased as you say, it seems to me that a couple of uncensored remarks from him would have killed the romance.

However, please don't give up the fight. Your children need to hear consistently that not all people feel as your husband does.

DEAR ABBY: My father passed away six weeks ago. He and Mom were married 42 years. After his death, because my living situation was unhealthy, I moved back home with Mom.

Three weeks ago she began seeing an old boyfriend she had before she married Dad. I am the first to meet "Warren." Mom is keeping him a secret from my three siblings.

Warren has visited the house a few times during the day. He recently came for dinner and spent the night on the sofa in the living room. I was hurt and shocked by it. She could have at least told me he'd be staying.

I want to talk to her about this, but I don't know how. I want her to be happy, but Warren's here all the time now. Isn't it a little too soon? I miss my father. Mom hasn't considered my feelings or asked how I feel about this. I realize it's her house and she's an adult, but I can't help feeling disappointed and disrespected. -- STILL MOURNING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STILL MOURNING: Talk to your mother as one adult to another. Tell her you were shocked when Warren spent the night, and that his being there "all the time" seems rushed so soon after your father's death. Tell her, too, that you feel that hiding him from your siblings is a mistake.

Then hear her out. This isn't about you. Your mother is an adult. She and Warren have some shared history, so it's not as if he's a complete stranger out of nowhere. While I agree that she would be wise to take things more slowly, this isn't our decision to make.

Sooner or later you may have to make some living arrangements of your own, so you can both move on with your lives. Start thinking about it now.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with a man who is a lot younger than I am. He lives in France. We were supposed to marry late last year, but his visa was delayed and he had to return home.

Since then, I have heard from him only a few times and he never answers my letters. I love him so much. I still wear his engagement ring. What do you think I should do? -- OCEANS APART IN ILLINOIS

DEAR OCEANS APART: I think you should remove the ring because it appears the romance is over. Je suis desolee, Madame.