DEAR ABBY: I have two sons, 19 and 12. My younger boy has a rare form of kidney disease. His kidney function is currently normal, but his doctor says that in the future he may need a new kidney. At that point, his brother would be high on the list for compatibility and availability. I, sadly, would not.

How does one mention the possibility of being a donor to his older brother? Is it even fair to ask? If he doesn't offer, would I always resent it? Should we wait until there is a real need before asking? -- PLANNING AHEAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PLANNING AHEAD: All families are different, and it's a credit to yours that you're thinking ahead regarding some of the difficult aspects related to donation. This subject can sometimes be fraught with the potential for perceived coercion. It can be offset by not framing it as a "request" from one family member, but as a general family discussion about the loved one's health situation.

Among the issues that should be raised: What does it mean for your younger son to have this rare kidney disease? What's the survival rate for an adolescent who receives a living donor transplant? What is involved in the donation process?

These questions should be raised as a family in conversation with a physician or other members of the kidney care team. Family members can then talk about how they feel about the issue, not as a response to a direct question. This provides a chance for better education about the condition as well as the process, and reduces fear.

The decision to be a living donor is a voluntary one and should be entered into free of pressure. Some people may not want to take the risk -- and their rights should be respected. The evaluation process is very thorough. It's designed to minimize risk and also can uncover unexpected conditions in the potential donor that are important.

The National Kidney Foundation provides information on its website regarding this subject. Visit kidney.org to learn more.

DEAR ABBY: I share a small office space with a co-worker, "Tammy," who is going through a nasty divorce. At first I tried to be supportive and listen to her problems, but now I think it was a mistake. I now dread going to work because I know I'll have to 1isten to a litany of complaints as soon as I walk through the door.

I have tried to encourage Tammy to talk to a priest or a psychologist, but she refuses because she's embarrassed. Is it time to inform our manager? I don't want to get Tammy in trouble, but I feel I'm incapable of giving her the kind of support she seems to need. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. Please help. -- WELL-INTENTIONED IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR WELL-INTENTIONED: Summon up the courage to tell Tammy that although you care about her, you can no longer listen to her problems because it's distracting you from your responsibilities at work. Explain again that these are issues she should be sharing with a trained professional. If she persists in bringing her personal problems to you, then ask your manager to put a stop to it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always felt proud that I have never had any racist thoughts. Since the births of my three children, I have tried to instill in them that we are all God's children, no matter the color of our skin.

The problem is, my husband is a racist. He doesn't like anyone who isn't just like him. He makes rude and crude remarks in front of our kids, and I'm always trying to discredit his remarks so the kids won't end up with his bigoted way of thinking.

I have tried talking to my husband about it, but he doesn't seem to get it. How can I get through to him? -- UNBIASED IN IDAHO

DEAR UNBIASED: You can't. His racism isn't rational. He learned it from the environment in which he was raised, as your children may if he continues.

In the time you knew your husband before you married him, I'm surprised that you didn't notice his racist beliefs. If you are truly as unbiased as you say, it seems to me that a couple of uncensored remarks from him would have killed the romance.

However, please don't give up the fight. Your children need to hear consistently that not all people feel as your husband does.

DEAR ABBY: My father passed away six weeks ago. He and Mom were married 42 years. After his death, because my living situation was unhealthy, I moved back home with Mom.

Three weeks ago she began seeing an old boyfriend she had before she married Dad. I am the first to meet "Warren." Mom is keeping him a secret from my three siblings.

Warren has visited the house a few times during the day. He recently came for dinner and spent the night on the sofa in the living room. I was hurt and shocked by it. She could have at least told me he'd be staying.

I want to talk to her about this, but I don't know how. I want her to be happy, but Warren's here all the time now. Isn't it a little too soon? I miss my father. Mom hasn't considered my feelings or asked how I feel about this. I realize it's her house and she's an adult, but I can't help feeling disappointed and disrespected. -- STILL MOURNING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STILL MOURNING: Talk to your mother as one adult to another. Tell her you were shocked when Warren spent the night, and that his being there "all the time" seems rushed so soon after your father's death. Tell her, too, that you feel that hiding him from your siblings is a mistake.

Then hear her out. This isn't about you. Your mother is an adult. She and Warren have some shared history, so it's not as if he's a complete stranger out of nowhere. While I agree that she would be wise to take things more slowly, this isn't our decision to make.

Sooner or later you may have to make some living arrangements of your own, so you can both move on with your lives. Start thinking about it now.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with a man who is a lot younger than I am. He lives in France. We were supposed to marry late last year, but his visa was delayed and he had to return home.

Since then, I have heard from him only a few times and he never answers my letters. I love him so much. I still wear his engagement ring. What do you think I should do? -- OCEANS APART IN ILLINOIS

DEAR OCEANS APART: I think you should remove the ring because it appears the romance is over. Je suis desolee, Madame.

DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "On My Own in Bloomington, Ind." (Aug. 5), who needed a ride to her colonoscopy appointment but didn't have transportation. Your suggestions were admirable, but there is another service you should be aware of.

Many states have a 2-1-1 Information and Referral Service, often sponsored by the local United Way. It has trained information and referral specialists available 24 hours a day, seven days a week to listen to individuals' needs or questions, help callers make informed decisions, and link them to a variety of community resources that fit their needs.

Those needs could be anything from a volunteer driver for a medical appointment to help caring for an aging relative, consumer help, child-care services, finding a local food shelf, domestic abuse shelter or chemical dependency treatment. When you don't know whom to call, call 2-1-1. It is available to help you find answers confidentially. -- LYNETTA IN DULUTH, MINN.

DEAR LYNETTA: My readers never cease to amaze me. You always come through with all kinds of suggestions for any situation, as you did again. Thanks to all of you. I'm sure the information will be appreciated. My newspaper readers' comments:

DEAR ABBY: I have a few suggestions for "On My Own." She should contact a social worker at the hospital where her doctor works. As you pointed out, many people have this problem, and I bet the social worker will have some solutions.

Second, there is probably a nursing school nearby. She should contact the dean of students to find out whether a nursing student would be available and would like to earn some extra money in this useful way. -- JACQUELINE, R.N., NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: This is one of the many jobs home-health care aides are hired and trained for. My mother has worked for an agency and has accompanied many clients -- seniors and younger people -- on doctor and hospital visits. Many businesses that advertise "senior care" also provide services to non-seniors with disabilities, temporary health issues, and people who just need a "friend" for a few hours.

There are also volunteer organizations that provide similar services, although some may not have training or appropriate insurance or be bonded by the organization, as many home-health care businesses do. -- ALEXANDRA IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR ABBY: Many senior centers offer this service for medical appointments and procedures. The drivers are covered by insurance and are trained on customer service techniques. My husband has taken many people for this procedure. He typically leaves his number with the medical staff, who call him when the patient is ready to be picked up. Rarely do patients need someone at home with them afterward as long as they stay quiet. -- HAPPY TO HELP IN IRVINE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: One solution to the problem of not having family/friends available to accompany a single person for a colonoscopy is to trade time. I'll go with you for yours, and you go with me for mine. -- RICK IN WISCONSIN

DEAR ABBY: There are non-medical in-home care providers in many cities such as Seniors Helping Seniors that can provide the transportation and companionship that is needed. Check the phone book under Home Health Care and Services or Senior Citizens Organizations, or search the Web for non-medical in-home care. -- EILEEN IN LAKE HAVASU CITY, ARIZ.