DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Mindy" for a little more than a year, and mostly we get along. The one thing that is not working is Mindy likes to have long talks on the phone, usually very late into the night.

When I get sleepy and tell her I'm going to bed, she either gets upset, ignores me and continues talking, or tries to guilt me into staying up later to talk. I resent it. I have tried discussing it with her, but she doesn't seem to get it. How can I get across to Mindy that I'd like to go to bed without a fight? -- NODDING OFF IN BELMONT, CALIF.

DEAR NODDING OFF: Do it by telling your chatterbox girlfriend in the bright light of day what time your bedtime is. Tell her that if she wants to have long conversations in the evening, that's fine with you -- but she needs to respect what your bedtime is. As that time approaches, remind Mindy by saying, "I'm giving you five more minutes, then I'm hanging up the phone." Then do it.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance's ex-girlfriend "Amanda" has been living with his parents for more than three years. I feel cheated out of the opportunity to have a daughter-like relationship with my fiance's parents. I want her to move out.

I have discussed this with my fiance, and he talked to his mother and told her that we're getting married and it's time for Amanda to leave. Amanda also agrees it's time for her to move, but my future mother-in-law doesn't. I don't think she wants to let go of Amanda and her grandson. It's like Amanda is her daughter.

I don't like the situation. It's not normal, and I don't know what to do. Should I confront his mother or just stay quiet? I want to feel like I'm the daughter-in-law, not Amanda! Please help. -- CHEATED IN HOLLAND, MICH.

DEAR CHEATED: I see nothing positive to be gained from a confrontation. Once you and your fiance are married, you will be the only daughter-in-law.

However, you will have to accept that Amanda's child will always be your in-laws' first grandchild. Regardless of how far or how fast Amanda moves out, her child will have a place in their hearts and their lives. Having had their grandchild living in their home for this period of time has intensified the bond. Please consider carefully how this will affect you before you marry this man, because feeling as you do, it may be a difficult adjustment.

DEAR ABBY: In our house we have a simple dress code. We ban the "three B's". If your clothing shows your butt, your boobs or your belly, you may not wear it. I just don't think it's healthy for my teenage sons (or my older son and husband) to have that in their faces as we eat dinner.

Is there a tactful way to approach the kids' friends -- who are welcome at all times, but sometimes show up with their boobs hanging out? -- COVERING UP IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR COVERING UP: Yes. If someone comes to the table suffering from overexposure, take the girl aside and tell her that in your house you "dress" for dinner. Then offer her a garment to cover up with.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing you with an etiquette question. If a neighbor is displaying a card, such as a get-well or thank-you card, is it OK to pick it up and read it? -- JUST WONDERING IN SPRINGBORO, OHIO

DEAR JUST WONDERING: No, not without first asking permission. To do otherwise could be considered rude or even nosy.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked as a nanny for many years for a divorced professional woman. She has a son and a daughter. The son, now 15, is smoking pot. I told his mom, but she's ignoring the problem. She said: "He's just experimenting. I want him to get it out of his system before he enters college."

I love this child, and I feel helpless. He knows better. The boy used to be very honest, but that's no longer the case. How can I help him when his mother isn't making an effort? -- NANNY WHO CARES IN TEXAS

DEAR NANNY: Your employer seems to be clueless. What makes her think her son will get into college if he's spending his high school years stoned on weed? And for that matter, when he grows bored with grass, what makes her think he won't go on to "experiment" with stronger illegal substances? Hiding her head in the sand is not the answer.

Where is the boy's father? If the mother isn't up to the task of keeping her son on the straight and narrow, the father should be informed about what's going on.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and "Simon," the man I consider my father, married when I was a toddler. Simon adopted me when I was in grade school. Most people believe he's my natural father, including my siblings. (I have no contact with or memory of my biological father.)

Last month at my brother's wedding, a guest commented to Dad about how much we look alike. Simon responded with, "Well, that would be tough." The guest replied, "Oh, she isn't yours?" and he said no. I was extremely hurt by his response. This has left me wondering if he feels differently about me than my sisters and brothers.

Nothing has been said since, and I feel I should let it go. Should I say something to my dad or just chalk it up to a stressful day for all of us? -- FEELING EXCLUDED IN OHIO

DEAR FEELING EXCLUDED: Chalk it up to thoughtlessness on Simon's part. You became "his" when he adopted you. What he was focused on at the wedding was the question of biological relatedness, and I'm sure he didn't mean to slight you. Because this has troubled you enough to write to me, discuss it with your father and tell him how it made you feel, and give him a chance to explain.

DEAR ABBY: We have two sons, both married with children. Unfortunately, their wives don't get along, which has resulted in strained family gatherings. There is now a tendency not to invite the "other" couple to family events. Our sons always got along with each other, but this has also strained their relationship.

Any suggestions? Should we, as parents, get involved and talk to both couples at the same time? It is heartbreaking to see our sons and our grandchildren miss out on together time. -- SAD IN SYRACUSE

DEAR SAD: Talk to your sons separately -- and then with their wives. Whatever has caused the tension between your daughters-in-law may take mediation to fix. You are right to be concerned, because if the cousins don't grow up knowing each other, the breach in the branches of your family will be permanent.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Tonight at sundown, Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, begins. It's a day of fasting, reflection, prayer and repentance. To all of you, may your fast be an easy one.

DEAR ABBY: In response to your poll (Aug. 24), "If you had it to do over again, would you have children?" my answer is, "I sure would!" Being a parent made me a better, more tolerant, more patient person and more willing to take risks.

It wasn't always easy. My son's father left me when I was four months pregnant. With the help of my dear mother, I returned to work, completed my college degree and became a schoolteacher. I have so many wonderful memories. My son is grown now and works with special needs children, and I am proud of the man he has become. -- MOM IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR MOM: Your feelings reflect the opinions of 78 percent of my readers, who voted yes to that question. The mail I received was profoundly touching. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: I'm sitting in my oncologist's office, waiting to be seen. Tomorrow is one year since I finished chemotherapy.

Would I have children again? Absolutely. My husband and three amazing sons have brought so much love, joy and happiness to my life. It would have been hard living through two bouts of cancer 10 years apart, a mastectomy, chemo, radiation, surgery and hopelessness without these wonderful men in my life. They encouraged and supported me all along the way.

Childbirth was painful, but if I was told I had to go through it again every month to have my children, I'd do it. Knowing I helped to create them makes me feel incredibly blessed. -- JEANNE IN BONITA SPRINGS, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 44-year-old black woman. I feel a deep gratitude and am privileged to be a mother to my two daughters. I get to help shape and mold them and see how they bloom.

My journey to my girls was through adoption. God gave me a wonderful gift when we were placed together. Parenting is challenging and hard. Anyone who thinks differently is mistaken. But it's something I'm proud of and love wholeheartedly.

My sister has asked me on two separate occasions if I regret my decision. Never! -- EVA IN PHOENIX

DEAR ABBY: If I could go back, I would not do it again. My children are beautiful, smart, caring and funny. I loved doting on them when they were little. However, I never realized what was coming -- that as teenagers they'd be needy, selfish, costly and ungrateful. Nothing is ever good enough. I get the brunt of the bad moods, the hateful words and the cold shoulders.

Had I known how hard this was going to be and the sacrifices I'd have to make, I would have said no. If I had any idea that I'd love them so much that their pain is my pain, I would have said no. -- ANONYMOUS IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My answer is an emphatic no! I love my son and care for my stepchildren, but for the few joys that I have received it wasn't worth the heartaches.

I have spoken to many parents about this. They all seem to feel the same. These adult children have a sense of entitlement and no respect. Frankly, I should have raised dogs!!! -- NO NAME IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: Would I have children again? Absolutely, every one of them from my first, who is a special needs child who may never be able to live independently, to the youngest, who was only 4 when his dad left. The only change I'd make is I would have them with someone other than their dad, who just wasn't up to the job of being a parent. -- WISER NOW IN MINNESOTA

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