DEAR ABBY: I have worked as a nanny for many years for a divorced professional woman. She has a son and a daughter. The son, now 15, is smoking pot. I told his mom, but she's ignoring the problem. She said: "He's just experimenting. I want him to get it out of his system before he enters college."

I love this child, and I feel helpless. He knows better. The boy used to be very honest, but that's no longer the case. How can I help him when his mother isn't making an effort? -- NANNY WHO CARES IN TEXAS

DEAR NANNY: Your employer seems to be clueless. What makes her think her son will get into college if he's spending his high school years stoned on weed? And for that matter, when he grows bored with grass, what makes her think he won't go on to "experiment" with stronger illegal substances? Hiding her head in the sand is not the answer.

Where is the boy's father? If the mother isn't up to the task of keeping her son on the straight and narrow, the father should be informed about what's going on.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and "Simon," the man I consider my father, married when I was a toddler. Simon adopted me when I was in grade school. Most people believe he's my natural father, including my siblings. (I have no contact with or memory of my biological father.)

Last month at my brother's wedding, a guest commented to Dad about how much we look alike. Simon responded with, "Well, that would be tough." The guest replied, "Oh, she isn't yours?" and he said no. I was extremely hurt by his response. This has left me wondering if he feels differently about me than my sisters and brothers.

Nothing has been said since, and I feel I should let it go. Should I say something to my dad or just chalk it up to a stressful day for all of us? -- FEELING EXCLUDED IN OHIO

DEAR FEELING EXCLUDED: Chalk it up to thoughtlessness on Simon's part. You became "his" when he adopted you. What he was focused on at the wedding was the question of biological relatedness, and I'm sure he didn't mean to slight you. Because this has troubled you enough to write to me, discuss it with your father and tell him how it made you feel, and give him a chance to explain.

DEAR ABBY: We have two sons, both married with children. Unfortunately, their wives don't get along, which has resulted in strained family gatherings. There is now a tendency not to invite the "other" couple to family events. Our sons always got along with each other, but this has also strained their relationship.

Any suggestions? Should we, as parents, get involved and talk to both couples at the same time? It is heartbreaking to see our sons and our grandchildren miss out on together time. -- SAD IN SYRACUSE

DEAR SAD: Talk to your sons separately -- and then with their wives. Whatever has caused the tension between your daughters-in-law may take mediation to fix. You are right to be concerned, because if the cousins don't grow up knowing each other, the breach in the branches of your family will be permanent.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Tonight at sundown, Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, begins. It's a day of fasting, reflection, prayer and repentance. To all of you, may your fast be an easy one.

DEAR ABBY: In response to your poll (Aug. 24), "If you had it to do over again, would you have children?" my answer is, "I sure would!" Being a parent made me a better, more tolerant, more patient person and more willing to take risks.

It wasn't always easy. My son's father left me when I was four months pregnant. With the help of my dear mother, I returned to work, completed my college degree and became a schoolteacher. I have so many wonderful memories. My son is grown now and works with special needs children, and I am proud of the man he has become. -- MOM IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR MOM: Your feelings reflect the opinions of 78 percent of my readers, who voted yes to that question. The mail I received was profoundly touching. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: I'm sitting in my oncologist's office, waiting to be seen. Tomorrow is one year since I finished chemotherapy.

Would I have children again? Absolutely. My husband and three amazing sons have brought so much love, joy and happiness to my life. It would have been hard living through two bouts of cancer 10 years apart, a mastectomy, chemo, radiation, surgery and hopelessness without these wonderful men in my life. They encouraged and supported me all along the way.

Childbirth was painful, but if I was told I had to go through it again every month to have my children, I'd do it. Knowing I helped to create them makes me feel incredibly blessed. -- JEANNE IN BONITA SPRINGS, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 44-year-old black woman. I feel a deep gratitude and am privileged to be a mother to my two daughters. I get to help shape and mold them and see how they bloom.

My journey to my girls was through adoption. God gave me a wonderful gift when we were placed together. Parenting is challenging and hard. Anyone who thinks differently is mistaken. But it's something I'm proud of and love wholeheartedly.

My sister has asked me on two separate occasions if I regret my decision. Never! -- EVA IN PHOENIX

DEAR ABBY: If I could go back, I would not do it again. My children are beautiful, smart, caring and funny. I loved doting on them when they were little. However, I never realized what was coming -- that as teenagers they'd be needy, selfish, costly and ungrateful. Nothing is ever good enough. I get the brunt of the bad moods, the hateful words and the cold shoulders.

Had I known how hard this was going to be and the sacrifices I'd have to make, I would have said no. If I had any idea that I'd love them so much that their pain is my pain, I would have said no. -- ANONYMOUS IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My answer is an emphatic no! I love my son and care for my stepchildren, but for the few joys that I have received it wasn't worth the heartaches.

I have spoken to many parents about this. They all seem to feel the same. These adult children have a sense of entitlement and no respect. Frankly, I should have raised dogs!!! -- NO NAME IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: Would I have children again? Absolutely, every one of them from my first, who is a special needs child who may never be able to live independently, to the youngest, who was only 4 when his dad left. The only change I'd make is I would have them with someone other than their dad, who just wasn't up to the job of being a parent. -- WISER NOW IN MINNESOTA

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I met my husband, "Jerome," two years ago. During our courtship, he helped me to find faith. Because of that, I wanted a completely honest relationship with him and confessed to a "less than moral" experience that occurred several years before I met him. Apparently he was able to accept it, because he proposed and we have been married for several months.

Recently, however, Jerome has been saying it's bothering him and he doesn't know how to let it go. I'm angry and hurt that something that happened long ago is now causing problems in my marriage. It has made me question why I was honest with him.

I'm afraid Jerome will never forgive me. He says he feels as though he has to compete with my past and doesn't feel he can live up to it. How do I tackle this problem? I can't change my past, I can't take back what I told him, and I can't do anything to change my husband. Please help. -- HAUNTED BY THE PAST

DEAR HAUNTED: First, stop apologizing. You are the sum total of all your experiences, and that's the woman he married. Tell your husband you will not accept anything less than marriage counseling now. He knows about your "experience" because you leveled with him. Make it clear that this isn't a contest, and he's all you want in a man. If he can't accept it, there is no basis for a marriage, and frankly, little hope for a future together.

DEAR ABBY: I have been invited to a wedding. The invitation included explicit instructions on what is appropriate attire. Ladies are "not to wear anything tight or revealing, or that doesn't cover chest, back, knees and shoulders." One of my friends said she wouldn't go to such a wedding. Another said, "I don't own anything that meets their dress code."

We are all three mature women who have always dressed conservatively. What's your take on this? Am I right to feel insulted? -- CLOTHING-CHALLENGED IN OREGON

DEAR CLOTHING-CHALLENGED: Not necessarily. It's possible that the house of worship where the wedding will be held -- as well as the families involved -- may be conservative or orthodox, which is why the women are being asked to cover themselves. If you feel the dress code is too much of an imposition, you should politely decline the invitation.

DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter, who is 18, had a child last year. She kept the baby and dropped out of school. She is now working and has returned to school to get her GED. My husband has always loved her and helps her financially.

My problem is she has twice stolen from a fund I keep for our church. Although she is the only one who could have done it, my husband refuses to believe it. I now insist on locking everything up.

Abby, if she had asked for the money either time, her grandfather would have given it to her. I think she gets an adrenaline rush from stealing. What can I do about this? -- AT A LOSS IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR AT A LOSS: Where are your granddaughter's parents? Are they aware of what has been going on? If not, please inform them because if she's stealing from you for the adrenaline rush, she is probably also doing it elsewhere. Someone needs to see that the girl receives counseling before her behavior lands her in serious trouble. And in the meantime, she should not be left alone in your home.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)